It was roughly a year ago that rumors first surfaced regarding Los Angeles Lakers legend Kobe Bryant and his alleged affair with voluptuous Playboy model Jessica Burciaga, and most of us thought for sure that Vanessa Bryant was going to take her husband to the cleaners in a divorce. In February, despite Kobe and Vanessa being caught smooching after a Lakers game, the L.A. Times reported that the divorce was full-steam-ahead, as it was revealed that Vanessa would be taking a huge chunk of his amassed fortune, as well as three of the couple’s homes.

The news eventually trailed off and the rumors stopped circulating, and we all stopped caring, because athletes get divorced all the time. Also, Kobe had already bought his way out of a divorce for far worse reasons with a nice, humongous diamond ring, so who the hell knew what would happen?

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You may want to sit down for this news, because it will blow your mind, but apparently Kobe Bryant is trying to get laid again. And at the 2012 Summer Olympics of all places. I mean, the Olympics should be a sacred gathering of the world’s greatest athletes and showcase their talents and determination. But I guess things are bound to get a little screwy – pun originally not intended, but what the hell – when you have companies like Durex practically begging athletes to throw on a raincoat and get down.

As for Bryant, he’s now being called out by Australian women’s hoopster Liz Cambage and Australian swimmer Craig Stevens for trying to get down with Australia’s three-time gold medalist swimmer Stephanie Rice. Cambage Tweeted that Bryant was being a little too friendly with the ladies during these games and pointed out that it might not make his wife, Vanessa, very happy, but she later denied that she was referring to Rice. Stevens, though, just flat out called them on their freaky deaky.

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I was so busy sending free back rub coupons to Emma Stone on Valentine’s Day that I forgot all about Kobe Bryant and his wife, Vanessa, being caught on camera as they shared this smooch at a Los Angeles Lakers game.

That got everyone wondering, “Holy crap, is she going to forgive him for allegedly cheating on her with Playboy model Jessica Burciaga?” And apparently the answer is: “Hahahahaha, hell no.” According to the Los Angeles Times, the kiss didn’t mean much, because the divorce is still moving along and Vanessa is still set to receive a little compensation for her 10-year marriage:

- An estate in the Resort at Pelican Hill that was recently under construction. Property records peg its worth at $11.2 million. Bryant’s agent, Rob Pelinka, was the listed owner until he signed transfer papers Dec. 15.
- A home worth $2.9 million owned jointly by the couple since 2003. Vanessa Bryant signed documents to transfer it into her name Dec. 14.
- A home valued at $4.7 million that was transferred to Vanessa on Dec. 30 from the Kobe Bryant trust.

Between the mansions and the money, Vanessa is expected to net about $75 million from this divorce. Poor Kobe. Only $75 million left to buy a new house and find love somewhere else. Let’s all hope he can get through this. Stay strong, Mamba.

With Leather's 2011 Random Hot Girl Who Was Shoehorned Into The News, Jessica Burciaga

As always, we take tabloid gossip about our favorite superstar athletes with a grain of salt because tabloids suck, but we also can’t ignore their reports because they’re usually so hilarious. In the case of Kobe Bryant, well, “once a cheater” and all that jazz. Fresh off a pretty embarrassing 4th quarter choke job against my preseason No. 3 Chicago Bulls, the news around the Los Angeles Lakers is less about Bryant’s 27 points (and 8 turnovers) with a torn ligament in his wrist and more about what will presumably be an incredibly messy divorce from his wife of 11 years, Vanessa.

According to the collection of “professional” poop-throwers known as TMZ, Kobe is super bummed that Vanessa is heading for the big D – and we don’t mean Dallas *spits tobacco* – and now he’s using his two daughters to make Vanessa realize that she can still make more money married to Kobe it work.

Kobe Bryant has NOT given up on saving his marriage … and sources close to the family tell us his two daughters are playing a major role in his effort to reconcile … TMZ has learned.

We’re told Kobe is “deeply depressed” over the situation — and is very concerned about how his daughters will handle growing up in two separate households.

Thanks TMZ, all I wanted for Christmas was a collection of sloppy ellipses. Kobe could very well be trying to salvage his marriage, which would make sense if anyone values more than half of $300 million, but I think we can probably agree that after a 2003 rape allegation that turned into an admitted affair and now these allegations that he cheated with Playmate Jessica Burciaga (above in case you aren’t staring and are actually reading this) among others, it’s going to take a pretty huge ring to get Vanessa to stick around after this one. And I just so happen to have a picture of that ring after the jump.

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Last week’s @Storytime featured rapper-turned-wacky-neighbor Ice Cube Twitter-ranting about how David Stern wants the Lakers to start from scratch and how they’d trade the Clippers for an NFL team “any day of the week”, so he can’t be happy to click on With Leather this morning (because Ice Cube reads With Leather) and see Taiwan animating Los Angeles Clipper Chris Paul shoulderblocking a lovelorn Kobe Bryant to the ground.

But here we are, and Next Media Animation has boiled down Kobe Bryant’s collapsing marriage and alleged infidelities to Vanessa Bryant bashing him in the head with a big sign that says DIVORCE. At one point she uses a Superfriends-like video board to communicate with other NBA wives, and at another she puts on a hardhat (?) and digs up a Larry O’Brien Championship Trophy Kobe apparently had buried in the backyard.

I don’t know, the best part is still Chris Paul’s “final boss in a video game” laugh. Taiwan really nailed his personality.

It has been just over 8 years since Katelyn Faber accused Kobe Bryant of sexual assault. That’s important to note because even despite her husband admitting to having an affair with Faber while denying that he raped her, Vanessa Bryant stood by her man. Kobe paid Faber off, even after she refused to testify, and then we went to Jared’s and bought Vanessa a rock so big that her ring finger needed a personal assistant.

So 8 years later, they’re getting divorced. That begs the question – what the hell could be so much worse than being accused of anal rape that could lead to divorce now?

† Kobe’s latest extra-marital affair was so blatant, the couple’s daughters were said to be in the woman’s presence on a number of occasions and were fully aware their dad was cheating on their mother.

† And the Lakers superstar’s wife learned that Kobe’s many promises to “never do that again” were just a bunch of hooey, and that he laughed off his apologies to her in conversations with his closest friends.

(Via the Chicago Sun-Times)

Hooey, I tell you! Hooey! What else is Hooey? Being worth $300 million and not having a pre-nup. Have we learned nothing from Tiger Woods?

Once again, I will gladly remind all of you aspiring athletes and celebrities that if you’re thinking about getting married, take a good, long, hard look at Kobe and Tiger. Then take one simple glance at Derek Jeter. Then sign a few balls and throw them in the backseat of your car.

After the jump, we remember the Bryants’ marriage. I feel it is best viewed while listening to the greatest love song ever written (with apologies to Tesla).

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