Yesterday’s video of a 7-foot bear learning the coldness of the human heart was pretty funny, but today’s video amps up the hilarity by making every possible aspect of a mascot’s missed high-five sadder. Watch as a mascot from the United Way (aw) tries to get a high-five from a person carrying the Olympic Torch (aw) while wearing a MITTEN (AWW) and gets it, only to be denied by a security guard who allows the hands to get SUPER CLOSE but stops it, because there is no time for them to actually touch. “No, you need to go!”

I didn’t think this kind of thing happened in Canada. YOU JERK, THAT POLYWHIRL-LOOKING THING WAS WEARING A MITTEN. The only way it could be sadder is if a puppy was about to die and the mitten-to-mitten interspecies high-five would’ve saved it. This is why your opening ceremony pillar contraption didn’t work, Vancouver. Because of this guy.

…because we have a brand new bobsled team to lovingly mock and denigrate. John Candy would be spinning in his grave right about now if he hadn’t faked his death to elude the Russian mafia. Why? Those friggin’ South Koreans, as always.

After a fifth-place finish in the America’s Cup launched them into 15th place in the world rankings, the South Korean four-man bobsled team has qualified to participate at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver. Granted, Kang Kwang-bae, the team’s pilot, has stated that the team is in need of two additional South Koreans to fill the sled as two of the spots during competition are usually filled by Ukrainians (?).

Despite the somewhat unorthodox nature of how the South Koreans qualified, Kang is thrilled with his team’s accomplishment. Ain’t nothin’ gonna break his stride. Nobody’s gonna slow him down, oh no (oh no). You see, he’s got to keep on moving.

“I’m so proud of my team mates. It’s an honor,” said Kang.

And we are all, I’m sure, proud of Kang. Best of luck to the South Korean team in their quest to a) find two more South Koreans so they can actually compete, and b) not maim themselves in front of a global audience. Actually, scratch “b.” If I had my way, bobsled crashes would become the new trampoline basketball.

Olympic snowboarder and Ohio native Gretchen Blieler was on the Tonight Show the night before Thanksgiving, which makes a lot of sense because attractive women don’t have families to visit, since they’re not real people anyway. I’m sure she had lots of stuff to talk about, because there’s no better conversationalist than a female athlete that does modeling for side work. I’m sure she has lots to say about the current Congressional plan for health care reform. Not that I’d ever listen to somebody that wore shoes like that. Thanks to Jon at Sports Babe Examiner, who posted the video early this morning. Apparently he has no family, either.