The American Mustache Institute has announced its list of 19 finalists for this year’s Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year. Sadly, your elementary school lunch lady once again missed the cut. But the sporting world has some well-known names up for this fuzzy honor, including Minnesota Twins pitcher Carl Pavano, Sacramento mayor and former Phoenix Suns guard Kevin Johnson, Chicago Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville, Major League Baseball umpire Jim Joyce, and the UTEP Miners mascot, Paydirt Pete. Pete is also a nominee for the New Face of NAMBLA competition.

The AMI Goulet awards are not a contest of the greatest mustache, but rather the celebration of the person who best represents mustached Americans. You know, if you put it that way, I have to put my vote with Carl Pavano. Think about it – he took fat paychecks from a large American company to rarely show up for work, was eventually let go, and now he collects paychecks from a smaller American company just to spend the rest of his days on easy street. *wipes away single tear* That’s a gosh-darned American right there.

Rest of the fur-lipped nominees after the jump:

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Saturday’s UTEP-Texas game — the first time the teams have played each other since 1933 — was nationally televised, which I certainly appreciated. I hate it when handjobs only get regional coverage.

So I guess she’s the Miner, and he’s the Longhorn?

[EDSBS via Deadspin, better video from Busted Coverage after the jump]

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Maria Sharapova advanced to the final of the Birmingham Classic to face Jelena Jankovic today.  The lovely Maria defeated Marion Bartoli 7-5,6-0 in a semifinal match that had some off-court distractions:

Sharapova's match was temporarily delayed when two spectators needed medical assistance. A woman and a child fell down a staircase, leaving the woman unconscious. In another part of the stadium, a man fainted . . . The helicopter seemed to distract Sharapova. The Russian dropped her serve and trailed 5-4 in the first set before winning the next nine games.

No, it wasn't me sexy readers.  Although, I can empathize with a man swooning in the heat while watching the tall Russian beauty's long, athletic legs caress the baseline. Or by seeing the gentle undulation of her bosom between serves.  Or by witnessing the powerful strokes of her racket held in her firm, cocksure grip.  Or by hearing her groans of exhaustion after a long volley. Or . . . whoo, sorry – I'm a little light-headed.  I had better lie down. -KD 

UPDATE: Sharapova lost the final 4-6, 6-3, 7-5.  Let me know if you want a picture of Jelena Jankovic.