This video of a dancing old woman at a tailgate from the Southern Cal-UCLA game last Saturday has been making the rounds, but I didn’t see it before today. The alleged grandmother, clad head-to-toe in cardinal and gold, somehow doesn’t throw out her back while she gets grinded on by what I can only assume is an incognito Raiders fan. Hope you brought extra K-Y, my man. She’ll probably shoot dust out of whatever two holes you don’t pick. At least you can forget about the condoms. Her reproductive system is just like her income–they’re both fixed.

Enjoy the video after the jump. Quickly, before she dies.

Auburn quarterback Cam Newton is the beneficiary of a bizarre NCAA ruling that would allow him to be eligible to play this Saturday in the SEC Championship game against South Carolina. The governing body of intercollegiate athletics said, in a nutshell, that Cam is still in the clear since he apparently didn’t know that his father was shopping him to other schools for cash, which seems contrary to the ruling that put Southern Cal’s football team on probation earlier this year.

[Southern Cal athletic director Pat] Haden, who succeeded Mike Garrett in August, said the Newton ruling is at odds with how USC is attempting to educate athletes and their parents regarding NCAA rules.

“I was always told the parent is the child,” Haden said. “That’s what we’ve been telling our kids. If the parent does something inappropriate the child suffers the consequences.”

USC is scheduled to appear before the NCAA’s Infractions Appeals Committee next month. Haden said school attorneys would probably review the Newton case. “Intuitively, it seems appropriate that we would discuss it,” he said.

–FOX Sports West/LA Times.

The differences between Cecil Newton and Reggie Bush’s ordeal at Southern Cal aren’t all that obvious: the message the NCAA seems to be sending is, “We have no intention of pulling a guy off the field while he’s still active, and his team is playing well.” So they’ll let Auburn take a shot at a national title that would eventually be forfeited anyway. Which is funny, because there are lots of people out there that think college players should get a more respectable wage for their efforts. This tells me that the NCAA feels the same way.

Sad news coming out of college football today: Former USC Trojan Reggie Bush has announced that he will surrender the Heisman Trophy that he won in 2005, in the face of a pending decision from the Heisman Trust. The idea of Bush becoming disassociated with college football’s highest honor stemmed from evidence revealing that the running back received benefits in 2004 and 2005 that were illegal under NCAA rules.

“One of the greatest honors of my life was winning the Heisman Trophy in 2005,” the statement released by the New Orleans Saints reads. “For me, it was a dream come true. But I know that the Heisman is not mine alone. Far from it. I know that my victory was made possible by the discipline and hard work of my teammates, the steady guidance of my coaches, the inspiration of the fans, and the unconditional love of my family and friends. And I know that any young man fortunate enough to win the Heisman enters into a family of sorts. Each individual carries the legacy of the award and each one is entrusted with its good name.

“It is for these reasons that I have made the difficult decision to forfeit my title as Heisman winner of 2005.” –via the monolith.

I’ve said this before of the NCAA’s revisionist airbrushing of history: just because Reggie won’t have the trophy doesn’t mean that he didn’t win it. The issue with cracking down on Reggie Bush is that (a) just because he was found circumventing the rules doesn’t mean that nobody else was, and (b) it’s not as if we’re all going to forget that Reggie Bush won the 2005 Heisman Trophy. I’m not a fan of destroying the legacies of athletes who’ve been suddenly labeled as “dirty.” Except for Craig James. That bastard is as scummy as they come.

The regime change in the athletic department at Southern Cal has already claimed its first victim, and he stands about 13 inches tall and is composed of solid bronze. No, it’s not Matt Leinart’s penis, but I like the way you’re thinking.

The University of Southern California will return the Heisman Trophy won by former star tailback Reggie Bush in 2005, incoming university president C.L. Max Nikias announced Tuesday.[..]

The Heisman Trophy Trust’s eight voting members will meet July 27 to determine what to do with Bush’s trophy. Members of the Trust declined comment on that meeting, and as of Tuesday afternoon they were still unaware of USC’s plans to return Bush’s Heisman. Whether such an unprecedented move will sway the Trust’s decision on Bush’s trophy remains to be seen. –Y! Sports.

Between new president Nikias and incoming AD Pat Haden, the school seems determined to put and end to what was jokingly called the last pro football team in Los Angeles, which is probably news to incoming football coach Lane Kiffin, who will have to deal with severe sanctions over the next two years. So even though the Trojans won’t be eligible to win the national championship for two years, they have a better chance than the 49ers do of winning the NFC West.

As the University of Southern California football program has recently received a two-year postseason ban, the forfeiture of three seasons worth of victories, and the loss of 30 scholarships, the focus of what started as a NCAA investigation will now turn to the source – Reggie Bush. Somewhere, a relieved Mike Williams went back to deep-frying his protein bars.

Bush, who reportedly received more than $300,000 in gifts from sports marketing agents during his three years at USC, could now be targeted by the IRS, should the government find that any of the gifts were taxable. When reached for comment, With Leather’s Senior Tax Analyst, Lobster Dog, said: “It is our belief that giant bags full of money are indeed taxable.”

Quit trying to write off Glenn Beck’s doilies, FOX News:

Greenberg estimates that Bush, now the star running back for the New Orleans Saints, “ultimately will wind up paying about $150,000,” but “it could be up to $200,000″ if his financial team can’t get the penalties and interest waived.

The penalties imposed upon the coveted USC football program and former student-athlete Bush are the result of an extensive investigation that discovered the Heisman Trophy winner received more than $300,000 in illegal benefits from marketing agents during the years he played college football.

The former Heisman Trophy winner Bush has stated since the beginning of the NCAA investigation that he is innocent and has openly disagreed with the punishments doled out to USC. He also claims that he’ll cooperate with both the NCAA and USC, should school athletic officials choose to appeal. While IRS representatives cannot legally announce that they’re pursuing Bush for back taxes, it is kind of odd that Tim Geithner bought a new yacht and named it “Bush It to the Limit.”

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The University of Southern California football program is expected to receive a two-year postseason ban from the NCAA today, and the Trojans could also forfeit up to 20 scholarships and possibly some wins from previous seasons. College football’s governing body has been investigating allegations that a sports marketer provided rent-free housing for Reggie Bush and his family during his 2003-05 tenure at USC, an accusation that could cost Kim Kardashian’s former sugar daddy his Heisman Trophy. It’s almost as if – almost – that Pete Carroll saw this coming.

This is certainly a taxing situation for new USC coach Lane Kiffin, who is widely regarded as one of the most respected and honest coaches in college football*. Kiffin has fought considerably in his career to climb the coaching ladder** by working diligently in building strong winning records*** and establishing legacies at every stop along the way****. However, with only a two-year ban, Kiffin should have more than enough time to continue rebuilding and help return the Trojans to national title contention when the ban is lifted in 2012.

* Fart noise.
** Fallen ass backwards.
*** 12-21 career in college and NFL.
**** He’s marked for death in Tennessee.

Throw down the fiery thunder of justice, FOX Sports:

You want to punish USC, NCAA? You want to do something with some teeth that will keep programs from cheating? Force the school to give back its share of 2004 bowl money, TV revenue, and the dough made from merchandise and ticket sales. Force USC to open the 2004 books, and whatever the football team brought in, that’s the fine. If the season didn’t happen and the wins are vacated, then so should the revenue made off of them.

Haha, good one, Pete Fiutak.

The last time USC football received a punishment was in 2001, so the NCAA isn’t likely to slap the “repeat offender” tag on the Trojans. However, many see this “punishment” as too light and a slap on the wrist, but the current USC players are taking this very seriously. In fact, quarterback Matt Barkley is worried about the impact this will have on game attendance, so he is taking his efforts to Twitter, where he responded to the NCAA suspension by tweeting at Taylor Swift to attend a USC game.

Matt Leinart immediately called sloppy seconds.