As a native of the state of Washington, I’m pleased to announce that the Apple Cup, the annual rivalry game between the Washington and Washington State, will be nationally televised on FOX at 3 p.m. Eastern this Saturday. You may have heard of these programs this year: the once-proud Huskies are 0-10 with a lame duck high-profile failure of a coach, and Wazzu (1-10) is merely, oh, the worst major football program ever.
Lots of people are joking that this is the worst Apple Cup matchup in history… The next-worst combined records were in the 1969 Apple Cup, when the two teams entered 2-18…
[T]he Cougars may be the worst team in major college history, mostly on the evidence of the epic blowout losses they have endured. They are being outscored by an average of 48-12.
Seriously, national TV. Whose call was that? I know I don’t always try really hard at my job, but I don’t go out and try to get fired, either.
And yet… I may still watch it. I like B-movies. I like watching car crashes. I like watching building implosions. Who knows, this could be the Tremors of football games. Kevin Bacon, Reba McIntyre, the worms from Dune messing with hillbillies — that’s my kinda football game.
Last Sunday's Seattle Times had a doozy of a write-up on the terrific state of Washington State's football program. Over the last year and a half, no fewer than 25 players "have been arrested or charged with offenses that carry possible jail time." And none of those incidents is as eyeball-searingly awesome as the following story, which must be read in its entirety, because every detail RULES:
Andy Mattingly, a linebacker coming off an outstanding sophomore season, was in Spokane in late January when a friend called for help. His front teeth had just been punched out in an argument with some soccer players from North Idaho College, he said.
The friend joined up with Mattingly and Trevor Mooney, a WSU tight end. The three went to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, where two of the soccer players, a goalie and a midfielder, shared an apartment.
First, they knocked. Then, Mattingly kicked in the door. The midfielder grabbed a steak knife, the goalie a butter knife. Mattingly picked up a frying pan off the stove.
The midfielder jumped out a window. This left the goalie — Cesar Lira, 5 feet 10, armed with a butter knife — to contend with Mattingly, a 6-4 linebacker swinging heavy kitchenware.
Mattingly hit Lira's head so hard the pan's handle broke, court records say. Lira got back up, jumped out a window and called police. He had a 2-inch gash and was "bleeding profusely," a police report says.
When police arrested Mattingly and Mooney, Mooney was so drunk he vomited while being booked.
That's basically the coolest road trip ever. Revenge, breaking and entering, kitchen face-offs pitting soccer versus football, head bludgeoning, drunken vomiting, the police — if some writer can squeeze in a love story, this is the best movie of the year. Even better than The Love Guru.
Maybe it's the short salt-and-pepper hair. Perhaps it's the impish smile. Or it could even be the lustrous vagina. Whatever it is, when USC offensive line coach Pat Ruel looks at Pete Carroll, he knows he's laying eyes one of the most prepossessing women he's even seen. Oooh babe-ay.
"Pete's like a beautiful woman," Ruel said after taking the job. "The closer you get, you better look out. He is very charismatic. He can smile and make you feel like a million dollars."
Yessiree, a million dollars in single bills with Pete's face on the front. That way Ruel can toss it up over his bed and roll around in it. Why won't the world accept his Carrollbucks? Is there not a place for beauty anywhere? *SIGH*
USC men's basketball coach and alleged chronic masturbator Tim Floyd said that asking O.J. Mayo to return for his sophomore season would be "irresponsible," citing that Mayo is already likely to be a lottery pick and that the coach had no intention of standing between Mayo and a huge stack of cash, saying something to the effect of "If it's his dream of playing in the NBA, he should do that."
Floyd made the remarks on Rome Is Burning last night. The rest of Floyd's appearance on the show consisted of having a take and not sucking.
Mayo would probably not be in the college game right now were it not for the NBA's recent rule that prohibits players from making the jump straight to the pros from high school, which is bullshit. Does Las Vegas make aspiring hookers take communion? Did the Hitler Youth have to get passing grades in economics? Why is Mayo in college to begin with? He should be averaging 15 and 10 a night for the Clippers before snorting blow out of some 31-year-old intern's asshole. I mean, if it's his dream to snort blow out of an intern's asshole, he should do that.
Mayo would be batshit insane to stay, even if it is USC. Why settle for Reggie Bush money when you can get LeBron money?
