Relevant.

Earlier this week, I scoured the Internet to put together my official 2012 Summer Olympics Team USA viewing gear so I could properly cheer on my nation’s best athletes from the comfort of my favorite bars. While I won’t yet reveal what I will be wearing almost every day for the next month – good hygiene be damned – I did think that it was important to help other people scrounge the webs for some last second items to help them also appreciate the best part of the Olympics – dressing like an asshole. This will especially be important for our bevy of Olympics live discussions.

Of course there’s no better place than my favorite time-wasting website, Etsy, to find such championship-caliber gear on short notice. Some people might argue eBay, and with overpriced, poorly produced crap, and lazy shipping policies, I’d agree that eBay is probably more indicative of America. But screw eBay, because Etsy rules. And to prove that point, I’ve dug up 10 awesome American clothing items that you can purchase to wear while the U.S. of A brings home every single medal* on Earth.

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Like millions of Americans, there was a time when I thought that competitive eating was awesome. I’ve also loved poker, Hooters swimsuit pageants, World’s Strongest Man competitions, American Gladiators, MySpace, and The Office. The problem is that when something gains a great deal of popularity in a relatively short time, the people behind a pop cultural phenomenon never know when to say, “Stop.”

I don’t see the charm, anymore, in watching Joey Chestnut practically suffocate while devouring 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. And no, it’s not because I think we should be more concerned with all those starving people in Africa our own country. Obviously, we should, but the Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest doesn’t exactly make me lose the most sleep. And no, it’s not because a bunch of protesters showed up to Coney Island and apparently want us to eat kittens. I couldn’t anyway, I’m allergic. I’d just like it if for every eating contest we hosted, we also held two math contests or two engineering fairs.

But instead of rambling on about how embarrassing it is that competitive eating has become synonymous with America’s Independence Day – even our baseball teams welcome it now – I’ll at least enjoy the fact that approximately 5,000 miles away, an eating contest brought happiness to our armed forces and their families at the U.S. Army Garrison in Baumholder, Germany. I just wish their contest could have been at Coney Island, too.

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What, no patriotic bikini? Prude.

As I woke from my required 2 hours of social vampire sleep this morning, there was a strange thing on my television – live tennis. “At 7 a.m.?” I thought as I held a mirror under the hooker’s nose to make sure she was still breathing. Then I realized that in all my anticipation for the NBA Draft, I forgot that Wimbledon is going on. And wouldn’t you know it? There’s been some excitement already.

For starters, tennis dreamboat Rafael Nadal was upset by the 100th-ranked player in the world, Lukas Rosol, yesterday in 5 sets. Responded women everywhere, “Oh well, let’s go see Magic Mike.*” But the even bigger surprise, as I checked images this morning, is that Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker is still there. That’s strange, considering her husband, Andy Roddick has usually lost by now.

But sure enough, Roddick has won his first two matches and he will play 7th-ranked David Ferrer next. A win would bring him one step closer to ending America’s 9-year drought of men’s tennis major titles, which would be amazing. It would also keep Decker around for a few more days. What do you think about that, Brooklyn?

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I’ve always agreed with the popular belief that the Super Bowl should be regularly held in San Diego or Miami, because the weather is awesome and people would enjoy it more. Along the same brilliant lines of logic, I also believe that the Summer Olympics should always be held in places like Brazil, Brazil or Brazil, because…

*whistles, points up, winks*

Unfortunately, some Debbie Downers out there not only disagree with me about locale, as the 2012 games are in London, but now they’re also firing back at the best part of women’s volleyball – bikini wedgies.

Under new rules adopted by the International Volleyball Federation (FIVB), players are free to wear shorts and sleeved tops. The governing body said the move was made out of respect for the cultural beliefs of some of the dozens of countries still in contention to qualify for the games.

“Many of these countries have religious and cultural requirements, so the uniform needed to be more flexible,” FIVB spokesman Richard Baker told The Associated Press on Tuesday. (Via the HuffPo)

Look, I’m a modern dude, so I’m hip to the religious and cultural importance scene. So I’m here to offer you a deal, International Volleyball Federation. For every one female athlete that covers up, one has to wear less. Like, if America’s Logan Tom wanted to, she could totally dress like this…

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I think the guy providing color commentary for this fight says it all.

Background guy: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

If you need more information, this is a Montreal-area theatre troupe reenacting important scenes from American History X during Monday night’s Canadiens/Bruins game at the Bell Centre in Montreal, using Bruins fans in place of black people. It starts off like any YouTube fight video you’ve seen — two jerks ganging up to kick-punch a guy with no shirt, a white guy who doesn’t know how to distribute his body weight throwing all-arm punches — and escalates into a chaotic mass of security guards and flailing hoodies, all in the name of pro hockey loyalty. The fight continues in the comments section of YouTube, where “drunk fans acting stupid to each other” has turned into a full-scale, passive-aggressive America Versus Canada.

Maybe the person who stood in the background making cow noises had the right idea. Stay out of it.

[h/t Puck Daddy]

On Friday, we discussed the valiant ambitions of J.P. Bolwahnn, the 34-year old running back for the University of San Diego Toreros who has also served in the military for the past 13 years. A Navy SEAL and member of the Special Operations Forces, Bolwahnn openly shared his goal of scoring a touchdown on Saturday against Western New Mexico, so he could stand in the end zone and salute his fallen friends and fellow soldiers. Hold on, I need to check something… yep, still got goosebumps.

Well, San Diego defeated the Mustangs 30-10, and on the closing drive, the Toreros put the rock in Bolwahnn’s hands. How did that turn out, L.A. Times?

Leading 30-10 with 3 minutes 8 seconds left in their home opener, the Toreros took over at Western New Mexico’s 35-yard line and tried to help Bolwahnn fulfill his pledge. Bolwahnn carried the ball on six consecutive plays, gaining a first down, before the clock ran out with San Diego on the 20.

Bolwahnn finished with 15 yards rushing.

I’m not one to ever tell a player not to play, as every player should give his best efforts on a football field. But down 20, with just over 3 minutes remaining, maybe let up a little, Mustangs? I know that sounds stupid and contradictory, but Western New Mexico isn’t exactly on the cusp of becoming a BCS buster. Nor have I ever seen one Mustangs highlight on SportsCenter. So why wouldn’t both teams want to be a part of something so special and meaningful? I’m not saying that the Mustangs should all fall to the ground or open a free hole like their names were Kardashian. I just think they should ease off the pedal a little.

After all, the Iowa Hawkeyes deprived us of a dog leading their team onto the field and they just lost to Iowa State. And in case you’re wondering, I like to imagine that Hawkeye the Dog running onto a field would look a little like this…

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