Chances are if you watched the ESPYs last night you’re either way too desperate for sports, a 13-year old girl obsessed with Justin Bieber, a young male perv obsessed with Brooklyn Decker, or you lost your remote. While I qualify for that third option with flying colors, I chose not to watch ESPN’s annual celebration of the day after the MLB All-Star Game because it’s a silly, meaningless display of ass-kissing. I mean, how the hell can you claim that Jimmer Fredette was better than Kemba Walker or that the Dallas Mavericks were a better team than the San Francisco Giants or the Green Bay Packers? It’s speculative and lazy, and anyone who takes it seriously (SPOILER ALERT: The athletes don’t) needs to put down the second helping of Totino’s Pizza Rolls and step outside for some fresh air.
But damn ESPN and their wicked manipulation, because they know better than to just give us straight-forward sports. The World Wide Leader used Decker, Emmanuelle Chiqrui, Amber Heard, Rachel Nichols, and, for the ladies, Ryan Reynolds to make us think that this is actually a worthwhile event, and not just an ad revenue source for the year’s worst day of sports. It’s diabolical, sure. But we’re stuck with it, so we can either keep fighting or we can give in and agree to stare at Decker and the rest of the attractive women (and men, for the two girls that read this site).
After the jump, the best of the Red Carpet, ESPYs, and the post-show thing where people stand around and smile.