“BEWARE LEST YE BECOME THE CURTIS PAINTED” – Jon Bois

Links

Fetushead Cannibalism Creates Possibility For Perfect Fat Hump Story - Headlines like this make me want to write for KSK so bad. The Colts keep getting better, and the only thing funnier than Brett Favre showing up to right the ship would be Curtis Painter continuing to exist. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

UFC 135: Jones Vs. Rampage Aftermath - Jon Jones “Bones” “Jones” is awesome, if only for the parade of weirdly racist comments that accompany him wherever he goes. You’d think racist people wouldn’t get upset at a black guy having confidence and being good at fighting, but here we are. We are a nation of Jeffs Dunham. [Cage Potato]

She Got Her Nails Did: The Finger Nail Retrogame Art Of Maya Pixelskaya - As long as nobody grows her nails out to 10 feet long and takes pictures for a This Week In WTF World Records, I’m cool with this. [UPROXX]

Blinky In Ink: ‘The Simpsons’ Famous Mutant Fish In The Flesh - For the longest time I wanted to get a Worker and Parasite tattoo. Still might. [Gamma Squad]

Confession: I Didn’t Hate ‘Whitney’ - Matt, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. /laughtrack [Warming Glow]

Black Star & Common Perform “Respiration” Live In Chicago - Look at this brutish thug, Common! I hope nobody ever lets him visit the White House! He’s a thug! [Smoking Section]

Lewis Black Killed On The Chaz Bono/DWTS Controversy - I don’t normally like Lewis Black a lot (outside of doing a pretty funny impression of him), but he absolutely murdered this. I still think the controversy around Chaz Bono being on Dancing With The Stars should be that Chaz Bono is not a f**king star. [UPROXX]

Simon Pegg Continues To Be Awesome - His best performance is still as a guard in the Maths episode of “Look Around You”. Best show ever. [Film Drunk]

Alex Morgan, Hope Solo And Women’s Soccer Still Being A Thing - Tossing this in here in case you missed it on Friday. These women are good at sports and attractive in important ways and you should support them. By, uh, looking at my gallery. [With Leather]

Porkins Finally Gets His Due In These Totally Real Star Wars Blu-ray Deleted Scenes - I hope there are some scenes where Boba Fett takes off his helmet and sounds like Charles Nelson Reilly so I can forget about Star Wars forever. [Gamma Squad]

10 Things You Didn’t Know About “Dazed and Confused” - Did you know? Milla Jovovich made out with me during the production of the film and I convinced her not to appear in 2,000 action movies between the years of 2000 and 2011. Three Musketeers never happened. [Buzzfeed]

Sly Stone Is Living in a Van - Now, Sly Stone is probably asking himself, “Hey, Matt, how can we get back on the right track?!” [FARK]

One of my professional goals as editor is to get myself and the With Leather domestic readership into soccer.

It’s a hard sell sometimes, but it’s getting easier thanks to the fact that we’ve got tons of great soccer happening across the country at any given point; for example, the United States women’s national team took on Canada’s national team in an exhibition game in front of 18,570 at Jeld-Wen Field in Portland on Thursday night. It was a reminder that we can (and should) like these women outside of their 15-minutes of Letterman fame and that Abby Wambach — who scored two second-half goals one of them a header — should be showing up at every Kids and Teens and ESPN choice awards things to win a trophy.

In case you weren’t one of those nearly 19,000 people who saw the game, I’ve put together a gallery that should simultaneously tell you “the U.S. Women’s National Team is pretty great” and “Alex Morgan looks amazing in those little shorts”. Because they are, and she totally does. Be sure to click through thoroughly enough to get to the fan photos, as they are wonderful. Yes, girls lift their shirts and write things on their stomachs at U.S. soccer games.

All photos are via Daylife by way of Getty Images, unless otherwise noted. The video in slide 2 is from Oregon Live. The increasing desire to know everything about these people is totally mine.

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Women’s Soccer has suddenly become an important thing in the United States, and even our baseball players are taking notice. Well, not really “taking notice” as much as “noticing the hot girls”, but Tampa Bay Rays third baseman Evan Longoria has taken a break from chasing people in helicopters and stealing their hats to hit on one of the prettier members of the team, the legitimately foxy Alex Morgan, via Twitter. Burnsy covered the story yesterday, so be sure to click through and read his post should you need more information for today’s strip than “baseball guy wants to nail soccer girl”.

A couple of disclaimers:

1. As always, The Dugout contains frank depictions of real life situations and reader discretion is advised.
2. The opinions of characters in The Dugout do not necessarily represent those of its writer.
3. Somebody contact me via Twitter, I want to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game.

Today’s Dugout follows.

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The kids use the Twitters for a lot of things these days – stalking Kyrie Irving, showing their ding dongs to random girls, bragging to the FBI about taking part in cyber crimes… you know, kid stuff – but Tampa Bay Rays third baseman Evan Longoria is using it to reach out to his fellow athletes on behalf of Rays marketing. That’s mainly because I assume the Rays dropped their marketing team to pay Tropicana’s utility bills.

But after the United States Women’s National Soccer Team lost to Japan in the World Cup Finals on Sunday, Longoria Tweeted at Alex Morgan to show his support for the ladies, and to invite them to, you know, chill. And chill they might because Morgan seems to like the idea.

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Last night on “Late Show with David Letterman”, USA Women’s Soccer team stars Abby Wambach and Hope Solo stepped outside The Ed Sullivan Theater and took aim at the cabs on Broadway. Letterman got them to kick balls into moving cars after a the standard Letterman interview (“er uh I don’t really know anything about what you’re saying, so uh, eh heh heh got any gum” etc.) and a weird train of thought where Dave suggested losing to Japan in the World Cup was okay because Japan had been in Earthquakes.

The best part of the video is Letterman calling into question the kicking ability of the situationally-foxy Solo because she’s a goalkeeper. So of course Solo is the one with the most accurate kick. In a dress. After the stunt, Wambach stuck around to be Dave’s musical guest, delighting the audience with her hit song “All The Small Things”.

[h/t Buzzfeed]

The United States Women’s National Soccer Team had a hell of a run in this World Cup. After knocking off Brazil in truly exciting fashion and taking care of business with ease against France, though, they had to take on the sentimental underdog Japan yesterday, and the U.S. eventually lost 3-1 in a shootout after a 2-2 tie. Regardless, millions of Americans watched in patriotic awe as Hope Solo, Abby Wambach, and the rest of the U.S. women gave their all.

While the loss was deflating and the women will soon drift back into anonymity – or at least the state of “Not that chick who took her shirt off but that one with the pink sports bra” – until the next World Cup rolls around, we offer a hearty “HUZZAH!” to our soccer sisters, because while it sucks not to win the Finals, at least we beat Brazil and that smarmy Marta. Oh how I hate her so.

In case you missed yesterday’s action and you need something to look at while you attend your treason hearing, I’ve put together this hasty retelling of the 2011 Women’s World Cup Finals, and as always, there is no chance that the pictures are in the right order, but you’ll just have to live with it.

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