Andy Roddick has taken some time out from being America’s death rattle of men’s tennis success to openly voice his opinion on some matters that are near and dear to his heart. For starters, when you’re a guy who isn’t as good as people once expected you to be, you’re going to often be aggravated and wish to vent your frustration how you see fit. Roddick’s solution is that he thinks that tennis players should be allowed to behave like professional wrestlers and just break anything they want. In theory, he’s right. A throwback to John McEnroe would be great.

But there’s a better solution out there – it’s called not sucking. But look at me being all critical. That’s another thing that Roddick hates. In an interview with ESPN’s Chris Fowler, Roddick talked about his future as an analyst.

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That soreness in your throat is probably from the golfing world trying to force-feed you gratuitous helpings of US Open champ Rory McIlroy. Or maybe it’s strep. What do I look like, a doctor? Anyway, the 22-year-old Northern Irishman gave a lot of credit to his girlfriend, 20-year-old rugby cheerleader Holly Sweeney, for winning his first-ever major earlier this month.

“Holly and I have been together since I had just turned 16 and she was 14. She knows me better than basically anyone else in this world does, apart from my parents. And to have someone like that with you is very grounding,” said McIlroy during an interview.

“She’s obviously my girlfriend but she’s also become my best friend over the past few years. I can say things to her that I wouldn’t be able to say to anyone else.” McIlroy added.

I spent ten minutes trying to tie Rory’s collapse at the Masters into an oral sex joke but I couldn’t quite get there (that’s what she said), but I’d imagine that a childhood friend makes for a better friend than, oh I don’t know, a Swedish nanny with a labradoodle. Good for you, Irish people. But why do your cheerleaders wear shorts? Especially when their neighboring Scotsman wear kilts? Come to America, Rory, so we can build you up as the next Jack Nicklaus and then destroy you when you nail half the women in Jupiter Beach. At least afterward, you get to grow a beard. So there’s that.

As I watched Rory McIlroy treat the U.S. Open like a disobedient orphan over the weekend, I thought two things:

1. Rory McIlroy is extremely great at golf, and
2. He sorta looks like every child star does when they’ve stopped being cute and turned 20 and nobody wants them anymore.

So it makes sense that McIlroy would have a child star past, seen here as a bad ass little 9-year old chipping golf balls into a washing machine on “The Kelly Show”. The host, Gerry Kelly, even one-ups sports blogs by about twelve years with his finishing quote: “The Americans have Tiger Woods. We have young Rory and, believe you me, this boy can hit a ball.” And here I was thinking he was the daughter on “Gilmore Girls”.

Compare and contrast this to Tiger on the Mike Douglas Show at age two, where he was cuter and 1000% more like Webster. Tiger didn’t need three tries to pull off his trick, but, uh, I guess he had other faults.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

…and not because he plays golf in his underwear. Frustrated either by his own play or the industrial-sized ass-whomping laid on U.S. Open over the weekend by Rory McIlroy, Stenson got mad and started hitting the ground with his club. He had an awkward start and didn’t really commit, and ended up breaking the club in half and cutting himself. It’s the golf equivalent of pouring yourself a glass of water, then immediately knocking it over and spilling your blood everywhere.

Because you’re even less likely to read a post about golf than one about pro wrestling, the incident reminded me of the time World Championship Wrestling’s Bill Goldberg proved his toughness by punching out the window of a limousine and yeah, it looked pretty tough, but he cut everything in his arm to sh:t and was out for a year.

In a related story, neither Stenson nor McIlroy is the “next Tiger Woods”, no matter what you read today.

[via Devil Ball Golf]

We have an encore for our Miami Hurricanes fight post, but this one is much more of a human story. A couple makes their way to a young tough hanging out with a chum, and then things slowly escalate. Yeah, I’d be upset if I had to watch live tennis too, but then the older gentleman decides to get rough and bites off a little more than his dentures can chew. This is why I’ll never watch tennis in person. It’s just way too dangerous.

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Victoria Azarenka headed into the 2010 U.S. Open as the No. 10 women’s tennis player in the world. But during her second round match against Argentina’s Gisela Dulko, Azarenka collapsed in the seventh game. The 21-year old was taken off the court in a wheelchair and was transported to a local hospital, where she was treated for what was originally believed to be a case of heat exhaustion. But it turns out that Azarenka had been performing some exercises before her match and she fell and suffered a mild concussion. There goes my U.S. Open parlay. Damn this crippling gambling addiction.

Her agent and never-nude John Tobias told the New York Times, “She was just doing some footwork exercises, and she tripped on the bottom of her own sweat pants and ended up falling and hitting her head on the ground. Unbelievable.” I know, right? Belarus women are supposed to be nimble like jungle cats, or at least that’s what I was learning while watching “10 Things You Should Know About Female Belarus Tennis Players” yesterday on the Discovery Channel before it was cut off for some boring news story.

The important thing is that she’s OK now. If only we could all just laugh about this, perhaps to a video after the jump…

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