You know why this video is so stupid? It’s not because these two guys decided to actually settle a dispute over a parking spot by agreeing to box each other. And it’s not because the people behind them were (rightfully) laying on their horns, a sound that I hate with the passion of 1,000 fiery suns. And it’s not even because half of the video was recorded sideways.

This video is stupid because neither of these schmucks had the brains to immediately cheat and kick the other guy in the balls and then shove him into a pile of trash. That’s how you win a fight, and that’s how you get that motherf-cking parking spot.

Read the rest of this entry »

After becoming the first British man to win a Grand Slam breakfast title in 76 years, Andy Murray is just about the hottest name in all of sports right now. In fact, after he defeated Novak Djokovic to win the 2012 U.S. Open, Murray should be neck deep in British WAG cleavage for his incredible feat, but it turns out that he’s had a girlfriend for a pretty long time, and he’s doing pretty well for himself.

But now comes the fun part for Murray, as he gets to do the whole media tour and be adored by everyone across Europe, and especially his home country of Scotland. Hell, Murray could probably demand that Sean Connery un-retire from acting to finally make us that League of Extraordinary Gentlemen sequel that we’ve all been begging for, and he’d have to because Murray is the most powerful man in the United Kingdom right now.

He’s also pretty popular in the U.S. because our men’s tennis players suck and we steal everything great from the U.K. so I’m going to go ahead and say that Murray is American. With that, American tennis champion Andy Murray stopped by Late Night with Jimmy Fallon the other night, and he was serenaded with his own awesome victory song by The Roots.

Read the rest of this entry »

Imagine yourself winning your first grand slam victory. Imagine that it comes after you’ve lost four times in the final of a major and six times in the semis. Now imagine yourself spinning around and catching a glimpse of the crowd. What’s the best thing that could happen here? The best thing in the entire world. What would it be?

If you answered, “Sean Connery pumping his fist”, you are correct.

In addition to his relentless defence, his unyielding will to win and the support of a sympathetic crowd, Andy Murray had one other slight advantage over Novak Djokovic in Monday’s US Open final.

Only Murray had the original James Bond on his side.

Actor Sean Connery watched from courtside, clapping, yelling and even fist-pumping each time his fellow Scotsman won a crucial point. Murray rewarded Connery by eking out a five-set win in nearly five hours, his long-awaited first Grand Slam victory after four previous losses in the final of a Major and six in the semi-finals. (via Tramlines)

The only way it could’ve been better is if the Earth had suddenly split open, and Murray had to choose between saving his U.S. Open trophy or getting out of the stadium alive. Or if cops had rushed in to find Connery, only to have Murray tell them he “vaporized” and been blown out to sea.

Anyway, if that wasn’t the most delightfully Scottish thing you’ve ever heard, check out this conversation between Murray, Murray’s mom and Manchester United coach Sir Alex Ferguson. It is so European, Keira Knightley may drift into the middle of it in a bonnet.

Murray [to his mom]: “You smell of wine”

Judy [nodding at Ferguson]: “He made me have wine. He’s just been telling me that Scotland invented the world.”

Sir Alex replied: “Hands up, I did.”

While you recover from that, here is the legendary fist pump, in both GIF and “recorded with a calculator” forms.

Read the rest of this entry »

With Andy Roddick now retired and the nation mourning the loss of Brooklyn Decker’s attendance at Grand Slam events, there isn’t much left for American men’s tennis fans to be excited about. That is, unless you’re a big Mardy Fish fan, in which case I hope you shout “MARDY!” every time he plays like the random voice in Not Another Teen Movie, because that’s necessary.

Now that we officially stand no chance, it’s only fair that us Americans punish the rest of the world’s tennis fans by making them sit through the stuff that pains us most. Yesterday, that agony came at the hands of Adam Sandler and Kevin James, who teamed up with John McEnroe and Jim Courier, respectively, for a special celebrity doubles match.

The late night main course was preceded by the warm-up event, namely John McEnroe and Adam Sandler taking on Jim Courier and Kevin James. It’s fair to say the quality wasn’t out of the top-drawer, although the two comedians did show a glimpse of ability. James served to stay in the match, but was unable to do so. Although it wasn’t exactly clear who won given Sandler and James were on the same side of the net when the final point was scored. (Via ESPN)

Which means they were being HILARIOUS! James was sporting a t-shirt for his new “comedy” Here Comes the Boom, which, as Vince Mancini at FilmDrunk describes it, is a Mixed Martial Farts film.

The exhibition – which featured Colin Quinn as a guest judge, because what else does he have to do? – comes as no surprise, as Sandler and McEnroe have been good buddies since the tennis legend appeared in Mr. Deeds. Honestly, I hope this inspires them to try their luck at more sports, starting with “car dodging” at the Federated Auto Parts 400 tomorrow.

Read the rest of this entry »

Before Thursday, only Beau Hossler’s closest friends and family knew who he was, as the rest of us probably would have guessed country singer or Dukes of Hazzard character. But once the 17-year old golf amateur with braces made his rise on the leaderboard at the U.S. Open, he quickly became a household name. It also probably didn’t help that his mom, Amy Balsz, ain’t too hard to look at, amiright fellas?

But this is about a young man’s incredible triumph and not the inspiration to a Fountains of Wayne song, as Hossler withstood the pressures of the incredibly difficult course at the Olympic Club to finish in a tie for 29th at +9. Sure, “tied for 29th” doesn’t sound all that great, but we love a good underdog story, and that’s certainly what he gave us despite a forgettable Sunday round.

We may never hear from Hossler again, as feel-good golf stories come and go, but he sure seems like the kind of kid that has the right work ethic and head on his shoulders to be a leaderboard fixture for years to come. So I thought that in the wake of his introduction to the world, I’d climb around inside that big, ol’ cranium of Hossler’s and see what a 17-year old was thinking about as he competed against the pros.

Read the rest of this entry »

The U.S. Open went down this weekend, and in case you didn’t get the memo, golf is suddenly the weirdest f**king thing ever.

Example one: PGA fans taking the random Tiger Woods swing-shouting (“MASHED POTATOES”, “YEAH PLAYA”, etc.) to another level by screaming YABBA DABBA DOO during Graeme McDowell’s* shot on the 15th. Most people know Fred Flintstone could bowl, but don’t forget that he was also a championship golfer. Not sure when Fred became a big Graeme McDowell fan, or how he’s still alive in 2012. 99% sure that’s not the real Fred Flintstone.

Example two: U.S. Open winner Webb Simpson was being interviewed by Bob Costas, and they were interrupted by a guy in a Union Jack mohawk winter hat doing bird calls. No, seriously:

Read the rest of this entry »