… and it’s worse than we could’ve ever imagined. Soccer zombies.

In the spirit of one of those scenes from early in the movie where a character starts acting weird, and the other guy’s all “heh, c’mon man stop kidding around, you’re not gonna OH NO WHAT’RE YOU DOING AHHHHHHHHH” comes this clip from a Uruguayan Primera Division match — players end up on the ground and a wandering limb comes too close to Argentine striker Nicolas Guevara’s mouth, so he bites it and doesn’t let go. Once you get past the initial shock of the video, the best part is the reaction of the guy who gets bitten. He does the only thing you can do when a soccer player starts trying to eat you, lie back and ask “what the f**k” with your entire body.

Guevara got a red card for the act, but at no point did the referee attempt to destroy the head.

[h/t Dirty Tackle]

Or as we would call it in the United States, “Man Getting Hit By Soccer”.

Witness the “not a moral Kick” that departed Chilean player Jorge Valdivia’s foot and reached its final destination somewhere between the balls of Uruguay’s Alvaro Gonzalez during Friday’s 1-1 draw. I’m not sure what was immoral about it, because it looked like an accident, or like Gonzalez stepped right into it to take the world’s most believable flop. Actually, it looks like something that would show up in Paul Blart: Soccer Player, so maybe he was aiming directly for the laughs.

Regardless, this man took a soccer ball to the junk, and that’s exactly the kind of thing the Internet exists for. I sure hope he was wearing a World Cup [editor's note: Brandon has been fired for making this joke]!

Compare and contrast with the original, as seen here:

Barney’s movie had heart, but Uruguay vs. Chile had a football in the groin.

[h/t Dirty Tackle]

First of all, I have no idea why Mexico and Uruguay are playing hoop here. Did they run out of soccer balls? Anyway, this fight starts about as haplessly as one would expect: ticky-tack foul, and then some jawing, and then someone surely said something about someone else’s mother (Spanish is the official language of Uruguay), and there we go. You can see the Uruguayans cowering in the end zone, wondering how they’re going to get out of that gym with their lives. Mexico is just a place unfit for hosting any sort of international sporting event. Kinda like Oakland, but without the panache. Gracias, Gimp.