Even though Yi Jianlian refused to work out for Milwaukee and publicly expressed his desire not to drafted by the Bucks, the Bucks went ahead and selected him with the sixth overall pick in the NBA draft.  And now comes the shocking news that — GASP! — Yi won't play for the Bucks.

Guangdong Tigers owner Chen Haitao was quoted in Tuesday's Beijing News as saying Yi would "definitely not" play for the Bucks next season. Yi plays with the Guangdong team in the Chinese Basketball Association… "This is not – as media reports have said – because Milwaukee, as a city with very few Chinese people, is not good for Yi's commercial development," Chen said. "Rather we want to find a team suitable for Yi's growth. That's the root of the problem."

Chen expressed concern that Yi would have trouble getting much playing time with the Bucks. Yi plays power forward, a position where the Bucks struggled with injuries last season and at times had undersized Ruben Patterson playing the position…. The Bucks have invited Yi, his family and Chen to Milwaukee to tour the city and visit the team's facilities.

My God.  Usually you have to visit a battered women's shelter to see people this bad at reading people's emotions.  No, it's cool, Milwaukee — Yi really loves you.  You just have to try harder is all.

This is gonna be hard for some of you to believe, but there was a shooting outside of a strip club in Decatur, Georgia, and police are — wait for it — looking for Pacman Jones.

Witnesses told police that a man claiming to be the suspended football player became angry when a group of men approached a woman with him and asked her for a dance.  The woman was not a dancer at the club.  The man police think is Jones became upset and threatened the men.  That group told police they left the club and were driving away, but were followed by several armed men.  Police said it appears both groups opened fire, leaving one SUV riddled with bullet holes.  One person was injured by flying debris during the shooting.

God damn it, Pacman Jones.  The first story on Monday morning.  I'm not even warmed up yet.  I'd really appreciate it if he could wait — just once — until mid-week to get involved in a strip club shooting.  But you know how it is.  You ask one chick who isn't a stripper for a lap dance, next thing you know you're chasing people down and shooting at their car.  It's an unavoidable chain of events, like burying a hooker in the desert so you don't have to pay her.

NEWS-Y UPDATE: Totally rad TV report here (via Mac G's World).

Bengals wide receiver Chris Henry is being investigated for assaulting a 16-year-old boy, blah blah blah.  Fucking shocker.

Police say the 16-year-old and an 18-year-old friend were walking along Wetherington Boulevard near Mt. Zion Road just after 11 p.m. Friday night when, they say a black Navigator or Escalade pulled up next to them.  According to the police report, a white male jumped out and started punching the 16-year-old in the face.  "From that, the victim tells us another gentleman got out of the vehicle the same vehicle and in their attempt to get away, was shoved to the ground by this African American gentleman," said Cloyd.  The teen identified that man as Bengals receiver Chris Henry, and says receiver Reggie McNeill [sic] was also in the vehicle.  The teen also alleges that they were throwing beer bottles at him as he tried to run away.

[Henry has] been arrested four times in the past year-and-a-half for marijuana and gun charges, drunk driving and providing alcohol to female minors.  His run-ins with the law got him an eight-game, unpaid suspension this upcoming season.

If this is true, Chris Henry is a hero.  I hate teenagers.  (Chris, if you're reading this, I'll give you $20 to beat the shit out of the kids that hang out on my stoop.)  And I think it's great he's hanging out with white people.  That's the kind of racial unity this country needs: black and white coming together to beat the crap out of annoying teenagers.

CONTRADICTORY UPDATE: Commenter Scott points out that a rival station has a source that says the accusations were unfounded.  So I guess Bengals players are the new bogeyman in Cincinnati.  Kids get beat up by grown men, they just assume it was Bengals.  Fair enough.

Cincinnati Bengals suspended wide receiver Chris Henry… blah blah blah… failed a drug test… going to jail for 88 days.

Kenton County (Kentucky) Attorney Garry Edmondson said that Henry tested positive for opiates [on a court-ordered drug test] and he will be forced to serve jail time… Henry is on probation in Florida. It's unclear whether the reported drug test results will force him to serve jail time there.

You just don't expect this sort of thing, not from a Bengal.  And certainly not Chris Henry.  With the exception of the four times he's been arrested since December 2005 and that time he puked out of a window when teammate Odell Thurman got a DUI, he's barely been in the news.

Personally, I blame Roger Goodell.  His lassitude and refusal to discipline players has turned the NFL into a league of thugs.  Awesome thugs who run really fast and catch footballs and crash into each in brutal collisions during weekly gladiator-like battles every September through February.  Man I can't wait 'til the season starts.

Tony Parker, the Spurs' handsome, rich, talented young point guard (he turns 25 next week) from France, is well-known not just for his speedy drives, tear-drop runners, and excessive flopping and crying, but for his engagement to sexy television star Eva Longoria (pictured), who is more than seven years his senior.

Some people might think Eva's not quite the catch just because she's aging faster than someone with Progeria, looks like a swamp monster when she doesn't wear makeup, publicly stated that Parker was inexperienced in bed, refused to let him have a bachelor party, and was the center of rumors that he'd leave San Antonio in free agency to play closer to where she works.  But forget about all that: she's a great fiancee!

Eva Longoria has imposed a 'no-sex' policy… until the couple exchange vows in July.  The actress implemented the ban to help basketball star Tony reach the NBA play-offs with the San Antonio Spurs.  She told US chat show host Jimmy Kimmel: "Luckily, we're getting married after the play-offs and then we need to consummate the marriage. I scheduled it that way."

What an amazing, caring woman.  I hope I can find true love like theirs someday.  Only with someone younger who isn't a controlling bitch.

HT: Foul Balls

Police searching a property belonging to Falcons quarterback Michael Vick found signs of criminal animal neglect, which may be the least surprising thing I'll write all day.

While investigators were at the property, they discovered three buildings behind the home that housed several barking dogs.  "When they had a chance to go to the site, they discovered animal neglect," Surry County Administrator Tyrone Franklin.  Franklin said that the dogs appeared to be hungry and forgotten.

To be fair to Vick — ugh, I hate being fair — he is reportedly rarely at the property, and his nephew is the primary occupant there.  However, he might not be quite off the hook just yet.

Early reports indicate that Vick was allegedly running a dog-fighting and cockfighting operation from the back of the home. The Virginia Animal Fighting Taskforce was on the scene. Authorities report that Vick had been under investigation for several years for illegal animal fighting.

Now that there is some hard-hitting speculation.  However, if I know anything about Michael Vick, then this is all definitely true, he's responsible for it all, and he won't be convicted of any charges.  That's the American way.

Thanks to faithful reader Kong, whose hobbies include bicep curls and finding IEDs in Iraq.