James Dolan Wants To Hire Isiah Thomas Again, Because Why Wouldn’t He?

Written by Ashley Burns / 09.10.12

New York Daily News writer Frank Isola is the kind of reporter that Bart Scott would love to have covering the New York Jets, because he has a reputation for covering the Knicks rather favorably (among other things). But sometimes being in a team’s pocket can have its benefits, which is why Isola is the best in the business when it comes to providing insider Knicks info, and he dropped quite the horrifying Knicks Knugget yesterday.

According to Isola’s “source”, Knicks owner James Dolan is trying very hard to re-hire Isiah Thomas. That sound you hear is a million Knicks fans slapping their foreheads.

“Isiah is very close with Jim Dolan but he’s told me that he’s not ready to jump back into the NBA just yet,” said the source, who was with Thomas on Friday at the Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony in Springfield, Mass. “There’s this perception out there that Isiah is desperate to get back, but that’s false. I think it will eventually happen but just not now.”

Isola also points out that the Knicks only have two job openings right now – D-League coach and an assistant coach position under Mike Woodson. If Zeke took the assistant job, it would just add more fuel to the comedy fire, because he sucked as an NBA coach (.341 career winning percentage) and he was horrendous as the head coach at FIU (26-65 career record). I can’t imagine that Woodson would be too pleased adding that legacy of excrement to his staff. And as for the D-League gig, well, please see: college coaching record.

Regardless, until this hilariously unbelievable idea that Thomas isn’t desperate to get back in the NBA and work for the Knicks again to repair his tarnished legacy dissipates, it’s safe to say that Dolan is simply trying to do everything short of moving the team to make sure that every last Knicks fan is wearing Brooklyn Nets gear this season. If he’d really like to complete the bandwagon exodus, he should just have his band play halftime of the season opener.

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NBA DRAFT RUMORS: What The Hell Are The Houston Rockets Up To?

Written by Ashley Burns / 06.26.12

I’m still planning to wait until tomorrow to unleash my incredible, unparalleled NBA Draft Preview on your asses, but I’m pretty happy that the Houston Rockets have finally stirred the pot and created some excitement for us fans of franchises that blow. Apparently the Rockets are hellbent on wrangling as many first round draft picks as they can, and they took one step closer to fruition of their diabolical plan today when they shipped Chase Budinger to the Minnesota Timberwolves for the No. 18 pick.

This was perhaps the best response I saw regarding that trade.

Now the Rockets have the 14th, 16th, and 18th picks in Thursday night’s draft, and it’s no secret at all that they covet disgruntled drama queen Dwight Howard, who may or may not have once again told the Orlando Magic that he wants to be traded to the Brooklyn Nets. So are those three picks enough to get Howard?

Houston’s first-round assets will create an intriguing proposition for the Magic and their new general manager, Rob Hennigan. Just a week into his job, Hennigan will be faced with his first major player-personnel decision.

The Magic have maintained they don’t want to go through another season like they just did, when the drama surrounding Howard and his future dominated Orlando’s every move. Multiple first-round picks might be the enticing offer Orlando needs to break free from Howard. (Via USA Today)

It should be noted that aside from a few rumblings about “sources close to Howard”, Howard is still recovering from back surgery and hasn’t talked to anybody about his future since the Stan Van Gundy mess, when he had TMZ on speed dial. In fact, as far as anyone knows, Howard hasn’t even had contact with new Magic GM Rob Hennigan yet.

But while the Miami Heat celebrate and Anthony Davis trademarks his eyebrows in time to be called by the New Orleans Hornets, all we’ve got are rumors. So let’s entertain this one a little further…

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The Orlando Magic Soap Opera Has Finally Come To An End… For Now

Written by Ashley Burns / 04.20.12

Earlier this month, Orlando’s Local 6 Sports Director David “Ping” Pingalore reported that Dwight Howard told Orlando Magic management that he wanted coach Stan Van Gundy fired. This story “broke” on April 4, and it led to one of the most amazingly awkward interviews in NBA history, when Van Gundy told reporters point blank that he knew Howard tried to have him fired, and then Howard interrupted the interview and put his arm around Van Gundy, completely oblivious to what just happened. Howard’s reaction when the reporters filled him looked a little like this:

The problem with Ping’s report was that it wasn’t anything new. Magic writers like Jarrod Rudolph had reported months ago that Howard wanted Van Gundy out, but it went unnoticed because it hadn’t been preceded by two months of trade deadline drama. Ping’s “sources” – which we’ll discuss in a moment – and their #HOTTGOSS were more timely and convenient for the NBA media that needed something to fill the downtime between the trade deadline and the playoffs. So Ping was heralded for this so-called scoop, and he was given a free pass for his next aimless, unsubstantiated breaking story.

That story, of course, was this week’s report that Howard refused to play for Van Gundy and was faking his herniated disc injury as a protest. Well if that’s true, Howard is the most committed liar since George Costanza, because he is having season-ending surgery that will require four months of recovery.

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In Case You Were Wondering, Peyton Manning’s Neck Is Fine

Written by Ashley Burns / 03.09.12

"You tell me, herp should I derp?"

Since officially becoming a free agent on Wednesday, Peyton Manning is the most popular dude at the desperation party, as basically any team in need of a quarterback is banging down his door. While Manning apparently claimed that he will have a decision made by the end of next week, the Kansas City Chiefs have set the bar with an unknown offer.

Meanwhile, the Denver Broncos are supposedly willing to do whatever it takes to land Manning, and even people in Philadelphia are calling for the Eagles to sign him. And, of course, Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross has his checkbook out as he laughs at everyone. So what the hell is really going on? You know, with the guy’s surgically repaired neck and that stuff that sort of matters.

“His risk really is very low,” said Dr. Robert S. Bray Jr., who has worked with NHL star Sidney Crosby and whose DISC Sports & Spine Center provides medical services for the U.S. Olympic team.

“If I was a team, I’d ask, ‘Did (the fusion) heal? Do you have a CAT scan that showed it healed? Is the rest of neck in pretty good shape?”‘ Bray asked. “If those two answers are yes, then it gets down to, ‘OK, get out on the field and show me you can perform,’ because it will only get better from here with time.” (Via the Indy Star)

I’m no NFL general manager, but I assume that all of the guys who are figuring out ways to kill each other to sign Manning probably already asked this question and that’s why they’re doing what they’re doing. But having been a Dolphins fan for this long, I still worry that maybe Jeff Ireland doesn’t put too much thought into something like this and Manning could be rolling around in one of those electric wheelchairs powered by a straw and he’d be like, “So let me tell you why you’d be great in Miami.”

Also, photoshops like this do more harm to my sports sensitivity than they do my hopes…

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Why Is Dwight Howard Leaving Orlando Again?

Written by Ashley Burns / 01.18.12

Get some.

Last night, the Orlando Magic advanced to 10-3 on the season, good enough for first place in the Eastern Conference Southeast Division, and you think people would be talking more about it but two things are stopping them:

1) Only one of their wins has come against a team with a record above .500 (Portland).
B) Dwight Howard wants out of Orlando ASAP so that’s the only thing worth talking about.

The latest rumor surrounding Howard and his request to be traded has him looking at the Los Angeles Clippers, but that rumor shrank like Miami Heat owner Micky Arison’s net worth in 2011 when it was debunked by Howard himself last night after the game.

“Right now, I’m with the Magic,” Howard said. “That’s the only thing that matters.”

In December, Howard told Magic officials that he wants a trade. At the time, Howard and his agent told the team that Howard would welcome a trade to the Mavericks, the Lakers or the Nets.

After Tuesday night’s win, Howard joked about what he views as saturation coverage of his future plans.

He quipped: “Sources say Dwight Howard is signing with the Harlem Globetrotters.”

(Via the Orlando Sentinel)

Haha, hilarious joke, guy who has hijacked his franchise and doesn’t think 44% from the line is a bad thing.

I get a big kick out of everyone talking about Howard’s intentions, desires and plans, because he’s the only person who actually knows and it seems like half the time he doesn’t even know what he wants. Magic fans are super pissed because the team is winning and he claims he wants to play for a team that is built to win, but even this 10-3 squad was spanked by Oklahoma City, Chicago and freaking Detroit, so it has failed to prove that it can win when it matters.

So I assume that Howard is more aware of this than anyone and that’s why he wants out. Or maybe it’s something more serious like him possibly seeing an increase in child support payments in the near future, as Magic guard Chris Duhon told some of my friends at an Orlando bar last weekend. Or maybe he’s just tired of my buried ledes.

We may never know.

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We Heard Tim Tebow Is Dating Naked Megan Fox Lesbian Upskirt

Written by Ashley Burns / 01.12.12

This is why we can’t have nice things, Internet.

Tim Tebow, as we all know very well by now, is a good Christian boy with strong morals and ethics that he has used to develop himself into one heck of a role model and successful professional athlete. And because it all boils down to his religion, he has quickly become the most polarizing person in professional sports. That means one thing – page views like a mother f*cker.

Nobody knows that more than gossip sites, which thrive on being able to make up anything they want, attribute it all to “sources close to *insert celebrity’s name*” and just sit back and watch the traffic numbers roll up. It’s basically the opposite of when I post about my love for the German Fencing League. (Soon enough, Hans and Friedrich.)

Enter OK! Magazine, Hollywood Life and dozens of other sites that yesterday circulated some version of this “news” with headlines suggesting that Tebow was possibly dating not-even-completely-divorced-yet pop star Katy Perry.

“[Katy's] mentioned on more than one occasion how much she likes Tim,” a source tells OK! magazine.”Katy’s mom firmly believes the best cure for heartache is to quickly fall in love again… In her mind, Tebow is the perfect guy for her daughter. He’s handsome, charming, intelligent and above all, a good Christian.”

Katy’s parents have gone as far as inviting Tim to speak at the church Katy used to sing at in Huntington Beach, Calif. Of course — when Katy will be there!

So a “source” told a magazine that’s name makes absolutely ZERO sense that Tebow is a good Christian that is easy on the eyes. Who was the source – anyone with a pulse? Have we finally reached a point that I can just say that a “source” told me whatever I want people to believe?

If that’s the case, a source told me Mike Vick is dating Casey Anthony. Another source told me that Mitt Romney has a sex tape with Lindsay Lohan and yet another source told me that LeBron James has an illegitimate child with Kirstie Alley and it was born with pineapples for hands. Hey, I’m just telling you what my sources told me.

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