The Melbourne Cup, for those unaware (and climb out of your hole already), is Australia’s biggest annual horse race, so it’s a lot like whatever those horse races that people pretend to like here in America. And much like the fancy pants Americans (and soiled frat boys) who attend those races, people in Australia like to get dressed up and hit the Melbourne Cup, because it is the place to be seen by the biggest names in elite Aussies, like Paul Hogan and Hugh Jackman, I assume.

This year’s big winner was Green Moon and rider Brett Prebble, as the 2012 Cup featured the event’s highest prize money amount yet at $6.2 million. But nobody really cares about that today, because all anyone can talk about is the babe in the blue dress and why she wanted to kick everyone’s ass. I’ve included two videos after the jump, but please be aware that kicking everyone’s ass denotes violence, and there is at least one underwear crotch shot.

What I mean is that these videos were made with us in mind.

Read the rest of this entry »

NASCAR stories are tricky. They can be huge news and the video can have 500,000 views, but chances are 90% of your audience completely missed it. It is in that spirit that I present to you the best moment from Saturday’s NAPA Auto Parts 200 in Montreal — Patrick Carpentier’s crew chief Jerry Baxter responding to a questionable move from driver Steve Wallace by pulling his hair. YouTube user SupaLatinaHeat sums up the events with an Apollo-style class: “When Black guys get angry they fight with their fists. When White guys get angry they pull each other’s hair.” I guess that explains why everybody in UFC shaves their head.

The post-catfight interview is also pretty hilarious, as Wallace sneaks “only girls pull hair” into the standard “we faced obstacles but did our best” speech, apologizing profusely for spinning out Carpentier and still managing to call Baxter a wimpy d-bag. Because, honestly, who pulls hair? The whole thing was a Baby Buster short away from being one of Arrested Development’s “Boyfights”.

I’m going to watch the next race with my hand on Print Screen. I don’t want to miss Carl Edwards getting his panties tossed in the freezer.

[hair tip to Larry Brown Sports]

Over the weekend, people in faraway lands gathered for the purpose of kicking a ball around a field, and other people gathered to watch it and later they all got together to look down on me for not liking soccer. But what I do like is a little bit of violence sprinkled into my sports, and that’s where soccer makes brownie points with me. Can you imagine how much greater Air Bud: World Pup would have been if the dog had rabies and went around attacking everyone? Even better, they should have replaced him with White Dog.

Thankfully we have heroes like Luis Suarez and Samuel Eto’o to keep me from completely disregarding soccer. Suarez and his Ajax squad took on PSV Eindhoven on Saturday, and during a brief heated exchange between teams, Suarez bit Eindhoven’s Otman Bakkal on his neck. Actually, it was closer to his clavicle, if you want to get sexy about it.

Also on Saturday, Eto’o’s Inter Milan squad took on Chievo and Samuel became fed up with Bostjan Cesar and pulled a move from Zinedine Zidane’s playbook by headbutting Cesar in the chest. All in all, I’d say it was a pretty productive weekend in soccer violence. After the jump, take a trip down memory lane with some fun moments in soccer fights…

Read the rest of this entry »

In her blog on MLB.com last week, the lovely Alyssa Milano addressed a letter to Dodger manager Grady Little and made the following request:

I beg of you, in the future please refrain from batting anyone with a batting average under the Mendoza Line in the CLEANUP spot. I'm all for [Olmedo] Saenz getting the start at first to get some more at-bats and give [James] Loney a break, but you may want to consider batting him appropriately for a .185 hitter. Just a suggestion. Call me crazy.

No, I would never call you crazy Alyssa.  Unless, for instance, you were wearing leather, had a whip, entranced me to remove my trousers , and then said "Call me a crazy witch!"  Sure, then I'd call you crazy.  Anyway, Robyn Norwood of the L.A. Times had this response to Miss Milano's open letter:

Impressions: Nice use of sarcasm . . . But she might cause a little trouble in the clubhouse by ripping the manager so specifically, considering she has dated Brad Penny and Russell Martin.

Oh, snap!

One other thing: In light of her dating activity, maybe "Touch 'em all" isn't the best title for her blog.

Rawr!!  I love catfights.  They remind me of grammar school when the nuns would beat the female students whose uniform skirts didn't reach their knee.  Good times. -KD

(Thanks to Panger from Foul Balls for the tip.)