Note: The players marked may not have been declared ineligible. Yet.

In case you hadn’t heard, there was a little story about the University of Miami that flew under the radar last week, involving a booster who claimed to have given a bunch of hookers and cash to Hurricanes players over the past decade. In all, Nevin Shapiro claims that he gave improper benefits to 72 former and current Miami football players, and the school’s president, Donna Shalala, admitted that 15 current student-athletes were being investigated. Thirteen down, two to go.

Miami’s internal investigation has determined some players, including quarterback Jacory Harris, are believed to have committed NCAA violations by associating with booster Nevin Shapiro and have been declared ineligible, said a person with knowledge of the process.

The person spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity Thursday because no one is authorized to discuss the ongoing investigations by the university and the NCAA. The person did not divulge how many current players have been linked to Shapiro, a convicted Ponzi scheme architect who is serving a 20-year prison sentence for bilking $930 million from investors. (ESPN)

Wait, which side is the person with knowledge on? I need to know whether to shiv him for being a snitch against Miami or throw a brick through his window for being a NCAA rat. Damn your lousy elaboration skills, ESPN.

But while most people hear “13 people declared ineligible” and they’re like, “Oh snap, Miami is f*cked,” it really doesn’t mean anything, because they can all apply for reinstatement before the season begins on September 5. So basically all these guys are going to play. Hooray, system!

Sports

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When Football Let Us Down: The Most Depressing NFL Eras Of Our Lives - The wistful counterpoint to LOLNFL, the guys at SB Nation recap their worst experiences as football fans. Mine is still “Sterling Sharpe got hurt, Dan Marino retired and I didn’t have anybody else to like”. [SBN]

Five Ways For Jon Fitch To Get Another Title Shot - Man, I don’t know how people get title shots in legitimate sports. I wanted to add a sixth one but the best I could muster was “attack the champion with a weapon from behind so when he recovers he’ll want revenge”. Does MMA have a Royal Rumble? [Cage Potato]

Steve Spurrier Has His Own Wine - So does Tim Tebow, but they’re totally different. [Dr. Saturday]

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The Dugout: Thome At 600 - Milestone Dugouts are always the hardest to write. When Manny quit and fled the country I couldn’t come up with anything poignant to say. I need more players to get Crohn’s Disease. [The Dugout]

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You Can’t Spell F*cked Without The U - Pretty soon we’re going to find out college football is fixed, and all those fumbles were done on purpose. If this scandal can somehow stop Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson from being a thing, I’m all for it. [With Leather]

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WZUP: 5 Unforgettable Martin Characters - I went through a phase where I mentioned Martin in every Dugout, and this is a good explanation why. Bruh-Man is still my favorite, and right behind Peter Brady and Chicken Boo on my list of the best TV characters ever. [Smoking Section]

When the mail arrives today, the folks at Yahoo! Sports are probably going to have some nice thank you notes on Ohio State and USC letterheads, because Charles Robinson’s mind-blowing investigation of the University of Miami could possibly go down as the biggest college football scandal in history. Even Southern Methodist alums are probably high-fiving this morning.

Former booster Nevin Shapiro spilled the Cuban black beans on nearly a decade of improprieties that include Hurricanes players and coaches (football and basketball) being paid, lavish house and yacht parties, prostitutes, jewelry, and even bounties for players to cause injuries to opposing athletes like Tim Tebow. Shapiro, in more than 100 hours of taped confessions, even claims to have paid for a stripper’s abortion. Throw in his admittance that his own sports agency, Axcess Sports & Entertainment, was funneling money to college players in exchange for their agreement to sign with them, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a scandal.

But don’t worry, Miami’s officials are taking this all very seriously.

“When Shapiro made his allegations nearly a year ago, he and his attorneys refused to provide any facts to the university,” [Miami associate AD for communications Chris] Freet said. “We notified the NCAA enforcement officials of these allegations. We are fully cooperating with the NCAA and are conducting a joint investigation. We take these matters very seriously.” (Yahoo!)

You bet your darn patootie they take this seriously. They’re likely going to hang a sign around Shapiro’s neck, labeling him a Ponzi scheme-running scoundrel, but that’s not going to alter the public perception of “The U.” What should happen? If the claims are true – and apparently there are 20,000 pages of financial documentation that suggest validity – then it’s the death penalty, even though that doesn’t exist anymore. What will happen? Nobody really knows, but we can guess that it will start with a few years of red-tape-laden legal battles, with the majority of former Miami players, coaches (some of which are now at Alabama and Florida, among other schools), and administrative officials calling Shapiro names, notably a big ol’ poopy pants liar.

Either way, we’ll be entertained. Miami fans won’t, but there are only a few hundred actual Miami Hurricanes fans on this planet, so the convenient fans will just find a new team. Have fun with that, Florida Gators. After the jump, check out the juicier quotes from Robinson’s incredible article.

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