The Oregon Ducks are planning to wear special uniforms for their national championship tilt against Auburn. And while those gentlemen living in the deep south have exercised some fashion nightmares in their days, this submission is enough to make Ryan Seacrest squeal like a little girl. In other words, normally.

No big surprises – they include muted metallic grays and blinding lime green highlights, including green socks.

The Oregonian talked to designer Todd Van Horne about the newest look. Apparently, head coach Chip Kelly also lists fashion consultant on his resume.

“We worked with (Kelly) and designed something that will actually look like blur on the field,” [designer Todd] Van Horne said.

–The Oregonian.

Not pictured: the neon jockstraps and incandescent LED lights in the helmets that change the color of the “O” depending on the player’s mood. I’ve had it with all of the Oregon uniforms. I don’t need to see every which way a school can polish a turd. Until they put actual wings and machine guns on there, I’m done. Yes, I think it’s time to see machine guns in college football. Mike Leach is totally cool with it.

The upstart United Football League, pro sports’ answer to Ponzi scheming, has released images of the uniforms for three of its four franchises. And honestly, it looks like some league executive handed his 5-year-old kid a box of crayons and said, “We need colors. Go.” They’re not atrocious. They’re too bland to be atrocious. The one positive you could say is that…well, they’re unique. It looks like everyone’s going to be using the same white, UFL helmet. Awesome. Two of the team names–the California Redwoods and the Los Vegas Locomotives–suck. Which means that they should extend the UFL brand very well. Whatever. Just let me know which one Michael Vick’s gonna wear in October…and you have to visit Dave’s new UFL blog, if only for the name

If you have any drugs nearby, I recommend doing them before watching this video. It’s some sort of introduction to 1970s-era soccer uniforms (“kits” for the purists out there) for Germany’s Bundesliga, andit’s gonna take you on an eye-opening ride.

The only way I can describe this is that it’s equal parts Soul Train, Diego Maradona coke party, Brazilian children’s TV show, SNL “Sprockets” sketch, and malaria fever dream. Like I said, it’s best viewed with drugs. Mix yourself the Winehouse Special before clicking Play.

[Deuce of Davenport]