More than 1,000 readers of Heat magazine – which I’ve never heard of but assume is an anti-air conditioning publication – have decided that People magazine is full of doodies, for lack of a more mature term. Three months ago, People declared that actor Bradley Cooper was the Sexiest Man Alive, which infuriated a legion of fans devoted to actor Ryan Gosling and his attractiveness. Thankfully, someone is pointing out that it’s all a load of mung.

For starters, I’m tired of bloggers being excluded from these lists. We’re sexy people, too, dammit. But more importantly, it’s time that athletes started getting some attention over these namby-pamby actors, and the readers of Heat agree. They’ve declared that David Beckham is the sexiest man in the world, and everyone else is just his trash.

The rest of the Top 25 looks a little something like this…

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In case you weren’t aware, despite being a world famous soccer superstar, David Beckham is also apparently good looking. At least, they say, he’s good looking enough to be a model – which is still way below being handsome enough to blog – so he’s spent a little time flashing his briefs for Armani in the past. Now, though, he’s showcasing a bulge for his own brand new line of men’s underwear, “Bodywear”, created by H&M.

Compare the idea of selling banana hammocks to hipster men with team sports, won’t you David?

“Working with a team has always been a key part of my life and I found that to be the same when developing this range. Collectively with my design team we spent time working on the feel, fit and style to ensure the product is not only something I would wear but one which I would be proud to put my name to. I always want to challenge myself and this was such a rewarding experience for me. I’m very happy with the end result and I hope H&M’s male customers will be as excited as I am.”

(Via my good buddy Andrea at Zap 2 It)

From the looks of the ad photos after the jump, Beckham is VERY excited. Also, when he gets excited it looks like he has a box of cereal in his pants. Not like I looked at his bulge or anything. I mean, GRRRRRRRR CHAIN MAIL BOXER BRIEFS!!!

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For the seventh year in a row, people all over the world gathered to perform ridiculous tasks and insane stunts for the sake of getting their names in the Guinness Book of World Records. Sadly, this is just a reminder to me that another year has come and gone without me setting the world record for making out with the most super models named Kate Upton at the same time, but if someone would hold up her part of the record, I wouldn’t have to keep moping.

Among the incredibly not ridiculous records broken this year included the most people whistling at one time, the world’s largest Zumba class, the planet’s biggest coloring book, and the most people to ever partake in a speed-dating event. That last one happened in China, so I assume that like 10,000,000 babies are due about 9 months from now. But those records were just the tips of the dork icebergs.

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The rivalry between Sweden’s Björn Borg and New Yorker byway of West Germany John McEnroe is so storied it has its own Wikipedia Page. The page chronicles their matches in detail, expounds upon their “Fire and Ice” nickname and breaks down everything from who won the most on hard courts (McEnroe) and who won most on carpet (Borg). Nowhere does it say why they got old and started making out with each other to sell boxer briefs.

But here we are in 2011, living through the “Björn <3 John" line and a declaration of their love for in front of the world's press at the boating lake in Wimbledon Park. The report from Telegraph Online’s fashion section (ugh) starts off telling you what you need to know, then descends into a horrible E! Network bumper about portmanteaus and “coy smiles”.

Borg, who has built up a nice little sideline in men’s underwear over the past 14 years, has teamed up with McEnroe to push a limited-edition range of jersey boxer briefs, with some of the proceeds from sales going to the John and Patty McEnroe Foundation.

In keeping with the air of bromance, there were four buff male models draped across deckchairs on a jetty over the lake, wearing nothing but pants and coy smiles and looking for wall the world like they were auditioning for a Christopher Isherwood biopic. McEnroe was dressed a bit more modestly in Ralph Lauren jeans and a crisp white shirt under a very snappy plaid Tom Ford jacket with wide lapels.

The combination of this news and the image of Borg and McEnroe in 1978 makes me think way too much of that scene in The Royal Tenenbaums where Richie shaves off all his hair and tries to kill himself.

What’s next, Magic and Bird teaming up to sell skinny jeans?

I’ll come out and say it: I’m quite happy with my penis. I won’t be doing any porn any time soon, but it doesn’t look weird and my wife doesn’t laugh at me whenever she goes out with her friends. In fact, she usually has to hobble all bow-legged to brunch, unless I have a headache the night before. Hey, it happens. I’m not just a piece of meat, ya know.

Anyway, that was all just to set up this new line of underwear that’s supposed to make you wang look bigger. Bigger to whom is anyone’s guess, since if you’re that self-conscious about it, you’re probably not fielding many offer anyway.

“Now we have Spanx for Men that gets rid of the bulge where you don’t want it [spare tire] and enhances where you do! [referring to down below],” Blakely explained to us.

Available in briefs ($38) and boxer briefs ($48), the “breatheasy” undies are designed to enhance the south-of-the-border situation thanks to a “stretch-and-recover system” that expands when worn.

And then there’s the 3-D pouch, a, shall we say, very generously sized groin enhancer. Gird your loins, gals.Stylelist, via @on_ah

That’s right, ladies. Because we all know there’s nothing you like better than getting with a dude with push-up panties and a tiny pecker. I think if I had the choice between suicide and wearing these, I’d start looking for tall buildings with a backpack full of sleeping pills and razor blades. What can I say, I like to diversify.

Be prepared to have the crotch cleavage of your favorite professional bible thumper forever seared into your memory for the foreseeable future because pretty soon Tim Tebow’s privates will be blown up and shown wherever advertisements are sold. According to Darren Rovell’s twitter, and verified by his own page on the Jockey underwear website, Tim Tebow is the new face of those testicle shattering compression shorts athletes like to wear.

Heisman Trophy Winner and pro football quarterback Tim Tebow will serve as a Jockey spokesperson beginning in July, 2010.

“I’m excited to represent the Jockey brand. I’ve long been a fan and consumer of Jockey and I’m looking forward to a great relationship with such a respectable and innovative company.”

Tim will work with several of Jockey’s product lines, including the Jockey Staycool collection coming in Spring 2011. -Jockey

It’s tough to imagine someone who values their image as a crystal clean Christian lover of the universe as much as Tebow to do something as racy as appear in underwear advertisements, but I guess somebody has to pay for his trips to the Philippines to chop off the foreskins of orphan babies, right? And for all we know, Tebow may have already chopped off his private parts to have them cryogenically frozen until marriage to stave off any chance of female temptation so we may not even have to stare at the massive outline of his private region as it stares menacingly down upon us from its perch in the middle of Times Square. Good luck, New Yorkers. At least this’ll make being blind cool again.