Hey David Beckham, can we chat?
Look, I think it’s awesome what you have accomplished in your career. Hell, when I remind myself that you’re only 37 years old, it leads me into a downward spiral of shame and self pity that can last at least 6 weeks at a time. You’re a mega-millionaire soccer champion and model, and you’ve already led a bachelor life that most mere mortal men can only dream about.
And when you had enough of that, you went ahead and settled down with the one Spice Girl that actually amounted to something more than just being a deposit in the spank bank of 100 million American high school boys in the 90s. You’ve fathered two sons who are already more famous than most of the guys you’ve played soccer against, and your oldest boy, Romeo, is already following in your model footsteps with his Burberry ads.
People even once tried to pawn you off as a one country wonder, as your critics said that you could never break into America’s pop culture. Of course you proved everyone wrong, because if this country is stupid enough to accept Cher Lloyd as a star, then we’ll take anyone. Especially a world class athlete, his ridiculous fortune and smoking hot wife.
You have all of that, David, and your whole life is ahead of you. So please, from one bro to another, and for the love of God, stop flashing your bulge all over Los Angeles.