It's already more interesting than Revolver.

Hey David Beckham, can we chat?

Look, I think it’s awesome what you have accomplished in your career. Hell, when I remind myself that you’re only 37 years old, it leads me into a downward spiral of shame and self pity that can last at least 6 weeks at a time. You’re a mega-millionaire soccer champion and model, and you’ve already led a bachelor life that most mere mortal men can only dream about.

And when you had enough of that, you went ahead and settled down with the one Spice Girl that actually amounted to something more than just being a deposit in the spank bank of 100 million American high school boys in the 90s. You’ve fathered two sons who are already more famous than most of the guys you’ve played soccer against, and your oldest boy, Romeo, is already following in your model footsteps with his Burberry ads.

People even once tried to pawn you off as a one country wonder, as your critics said that you could never break into America’s pop culture. Of course you proved everyone wrong, because if this country is stupid enough to accept Cher Lloyd as a star, then we’ll take anyone. Especially a world class athlete, his ridiculous fortune and smoking hot wife.

You have all of that, David, and your whole life is ahead of you. So please, from one bro to another, and for the love of God, stop flashing your bulge all over Los Angeles.

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Earlier this year, there was a considerable deal of buzz around New York Jets backup QB Tim Tebow inking an endorsement deal with the underwear company Jockey, because the world’s most famous virgin doesn’t exactly sound like the perfect candidate for rocking his bulge. But then the ads started flopping out of the fold – like the one above – and we realized that these were newer, more conservative Jockey ads and Tebow wouldn’t be packing heat in print. This naturally made women very angry.

But dried up lady parts aside, Tebow’s endorsement of Jockey is just another chapter in the company’s long, storied history of relationships with professional athletes. And you can even say that it’s a footnote in the grander marriage between what I am told are attractive male athletes and underwear companies in general. For instance, David Beckham has his deal with H&M and Cristiano Ronaldo captures your eyes with his beef pocket for Armani. The point is that athletes have long loved rocking their ding dongs to sell man panties.

And Jockey has done it better than anyone. Well, I guess “better” isn’t the best word. Jockey has done it more than anyone – that’s more accurate. Because the picture that slapped my eyes and teabagged my brain this morning does not qualify as “better”.

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Late last week, USA Today reported that the Dallas Cowboys would be opening a Cowboys-themed Victoria’s Secret at Cowboys Stadium. They didn’t explicitly say that it was to balance out Cowboys.com being lost at auction and turned into a gay country-and-western dating site, but we all know what’s going on here.

My experience at Cowboys Stadium has been limited to “pay 60 dollars to park at the Ballpark In Arlington and wedge myself into a monolithic spaceship full of drunk people who are expecting to be upset,” so being able to see sports-themed underpants as I wander by looking for a kiosk that sells fruit without beef juice injected into it will be a nice change of pace.

The Cowboys will have a ceremonial ribbon-cutting event that will take place a few hours before Monday’s kickoff.

And of course the benefit of an underwear store event: models.

Victoria’s Secret models Elsa Hosk and Jessica Hart will be in attendance, along with Jones’ daughter, the Cowboys’ executive VP for brand management.

That happened, and now thanks to contributions from the (cough) official Dallas Cowboys website and Fox Sports Southwest, we can take a look at them. It. The store. Whatever.

Please enjoy the photos. Oh, and if anybody from the Houston Texas is reading this, shoot me an e-mail. I’ve got a great idea for a Matt Schaub-themed Bath & Body Works.

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Back in June, Danish tennis fox Caroline Wozniacki announced that she was launching her own line of signature underwear, because sometimes people earn a lot of money and want to make a little more, so underwear, right? Anyway, after what I can only assume was rigorous testing (thanks for nothing, Rory McIlroy) the line is ready to go, and by way of the fine men and other men at Guyism comes this clip of Woz selling underpants the only way we know how: by wearing them and having an incredible body.

The “This Is Me” campaign slogan is a little misleading (unless Caroline’s average, self-defining day involves her standing in a shower in her underwear making angry faces while a half-a-dozen people take pictures of her), but I think you’ll manage to make it through the video without complaining. I love stupidly literal ad campaigns. Her next line should be “These Are My Underpants”, followed quickly by “This Is Me Wearing Shoes I Made”.

Full video is below. You’re welcome.

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What David Beckham lacks in soccer playing abilities these days, he more than makes up for in being good-looking, having a ton of money, cultivating a well-rounded family (by all accounts) with his smoking hot wife, and being very, very good-looking. Seriously, there was a point in the 2012 Summer Olympics when Beckham was cheering on England’s Tom Daley and I thought it was going to take a million Kate Uptons to bring me back. But I’ve said too much.

Last year, Beckham introduced his partnership with H+M for its Bodywear underwear line with a series of underwear pictures – met by a few hateful jeers from the soccer community – and it was business as usual. The fact is, David Beckham likes being in his underwear. And now H+M is back with a new campaign and to celebrate that, the company has immortalized Beckham’s bulge in statue form.

You’ve heard of at least one undressed sculpture named “David,” but starting tomorrow, H&M will give Michaelangelo a run for his money with their giant David Beckham statues. (Via NBC New York)

*bowtie spins, helicopters penis*

The statues will be strategically placed in New York, Los Angeles, and San Francisco (now I know why Brandon is in California) and there’s an added cash prize bonus to anyone clamoring to get a picture of the statue.

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"Oh, am I attractive? I hadn't noticed."

Back in January, I offered my brilliant wisdom and relationship insight to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady as his 31-year old wife, Gisele Bundchen, is believed to be on track to become the world’s first billionaire supermodel thanks to her new underwear line. But hot on her heels is 26-year old supermodel Bar Refaeli, who has also launched her new underwear line, under.me, which is a totally super fantastic name.

Refaeli and Co. have released their first commercial for her simple cotton underwear line, and I’m already in line to buy 600 pairs. Seriously, I’m camped outside of my local mall right now even though it’s already open, mainly because they won’t let me back in until I agree to wear pants. Let it be known that Bar Refaeli playing tennis in her underwear is a fantastic way to sell anything.

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