I don’t have a lot of reasons for this to exist, other than March Madness happening and everybody in the world doing a March Madness thing. Here, I’ll let them explain it:

Our officially unofficial video about a month-that-rhymes-with-starch insanity featuring building block men playing games of round hoops. #NoBollocks

That … didn’t help.

Anyway, this is exactly the way to spend a few minutes on a Friday afternoon. Not-especially-well animated Lego guys recreate classic basketball moments, but not really, because the team names and players are all wrong, like they ran the script through a translator and back again, so Christian Laettner becomes “Christina,” UNC becomes the Carolina Dirty Feet, and so on. The best part is either the scathing condemnation of Chris Webber’s life, which is still totally deserved, or the incredibly morose ending, which fits neither a Lego basketball video nor a beer commercial. So … congratulations on making this awesome thing, weirdos.

"You do not want to rush this floor, Duke fans."

Obviously, when it comes to rivalries, a team’s record doesn’t really matter. If two teams hate each other enough, they’re both usually possessed with supernatural-type powers that allow even the weakest of opponents to play above and beyond their limitations. So when it came to last night’s matchup between the unranked UNC Tar Heels and the No. 2 Duke Blue Devils, we should have obviously expected that it would be a close one. After all, if UNC fans had the balls to steel one of the Duke mascot’s heads and set it on a pike*, then they obviously expected their team to show up.

And the Heels mostly showed up, losing 73-68 on the back of piss-poor free throw shooting in the second half, but that was all good enough to Duke fans, who wanted desperately to rush the court after their team rallied to win. That’s what a rivalry does – it makes the fans of the second best team in the country think that they should rush the court after barely beating an unranked team.

Fortunately, Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski lifted his powerful hands and used the force of darkness to put all Duke fans back in their seats. So instead of rushing the court, they went outside and burned a bunch of stuff**. At least they were nicer this time. Hooray college basketball!

UPDATE: !!!Hilarious college newspaper headline alert!!!

Read the rest of this entry »

When news broke yesterday that the Golden State Warriors would be wearing special alternate jerseys that featured actual, honest-to-God sleeves, my first thought was, “Oh crap, Darren Rovell is going to be even more insufferable than usual.” You see, Rovell – who I will from this moment on refer to as Sh*t Biscuit – raised an argument a while back about how NBA teams should make a sleeved jersey because fans (read: white people) really shouldn’t wear NBA jerseys.

The problem with this argument was that while I agreed with that part about morons who wear NBA jerseys with nothing under them looking like shmucks, you can’t just go changing an entire league’s uniforms. And the problem with those new Warriors jerseys is… that I kind of like them. However, in the case of Sh*t Biscuit’s argument that fans could wear them, it’s still a no. Nobody wants to see Glenn Davis wearing a skin tight shirt, so nobody wants to see my fat ass in one either.

In conclusion, if you want something with sleeves that shows support for your NBA team, buy a t-shirt.

Read the rest of this entry »

Indiana Pacers forward Tyler Hansbrough is the prototypical love him or hate him player. He’s energetic, intense and borderline obnoxious on the court, so fans of the team he plays for love him and those he plays against hate him. In the Pacers’ first round series against the Orlando Magic alone, he showed that even though his numbers are low coming off the bench, he contributes best by getting into opponents’ heads and causing them to make mistakes.

I’m also the perfect example of a basketball fan who typically hates Hansbrough, because I find his intensity more arrogant than infectious. But during this first round series, in which his Pacers defeated the Magic 4 games to 1, I learned to respect him more than I ever have. Originally, I thought that Hansbrough was just a mouth-breathing dolt, grunting and derping his way through games and awkwardly lunging for undeserved chest bumps and high fives.

I’ve now learned, though, that there’s so much more emotional and intellectual depth to this athletic warrior and I want to pay tribute to Hansbrough in order to once and for all crush the misconception that he’s anything but a winner.

Read the rest of this entry »

With the NCAA Men’s Final Four field determined, there’s not much of a point in recapping the weekend’s action, because with the exception of Saturday’s early game – Louisville 72, Florida 68 – there wasn’t a great deal of suspense to break down and analyze with fart jokes and pictures of kittens dressed like Harry Potter. Although, in retrospect, I totally should have done that.

But that’s not to say that yesterday’s UNC-Kansas game – Jayhawks defeated the Tar Heels 80-67 – doesn’t at least qualify for instant classic consideration, because it was everything that we’ve come to expect from timeless rivals, despite what the score suggests. Even Tyler Zeller channeled his inner Tyler Hanbrough a few times, much to my delight.

And it has also now given us the above image that I am just going to deposit over here into my trusty “Future Memes” folder and let it incubate with the hopes that it can develop into its beautiful GIF form.

Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome back, everyone. I hope you enjoyed last night’s first installment of the NCAA Tournament Sweet 16 and our Dummy’s Guide to sounding somewhat intelligent in the company of people who watch more college basketball than you. I went 2-for-4 with my picks from last night, as Syracuse and Florida won their games and Cincinnati and Michigan State really took massive horse dumps in their respective matchups. But I also technically rode the fence on each game enough that I can say I was 4-for-4.

What can I say, I’m an expert.

We’re back at it tonight, and I know it’s a Friday and all, but I’ll still be live chatting the action up from the handy dandy portable intelligent telephone. I’ll be at the Orlando Magic game, per the usual, which will make it all more fun. Make your predictions, quips and witticisms in the comments and there will be free t-shirts and possibly other surprises to be given out.

Admit it, you’re excited.

Read the rest of this entry »