The only thing we love at UPROXX more than mash-ups and Tumblr GIFs with subtitles across them are minimalist posters. We’ll post a gallery of minimalist posters for anything … comic book characters, Best Picture nominees, video games as movies, anything.

Thankfully a gent with an Etsy shop (BAMItsBernie) has made the minimalist poster craze relevant to my interests by putting together a set of World Wrestling Federation legends pieces highlighting some of the most memorable characters from fake fighting lore and their finishing holds. Some of these are just absolutely glorious, like Koko B. Ware with Frankie on his head or “Ravishing” Rick Rude’s minimalist poster requiring an outline of his entire body because he’s Rick Rude. I would’ve already bought the Andre the Giant one if it said “BUG-EYED HEADBUTT TO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD THAT MISSES BY LIKE A FOOT AND A HALF” instead of “reverse piledriver”.

Anyway, take a look at these and drop 20 bucks on one if the muse moves you. I’m gonna befriend this guy and get him to make me a WEDGIE poster for Phantasio.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hulk Hogan, one of the people in the world I’m guessing you’d least like to see naked, is about to release a sex tape. According to the Hulkster it was a set-up, and by the time the video is released we’ll learn that not only did this mystery brunette set him up, she was paid-off to break his legs.

Hulk says the tape was “secretly filmed” without his permission — and now his lawyer’s on the rampage … claiming, “We will take all necessary steps to enforce both civil and criminal liability.”

Because Hulk Hogan has never told the truth once in his entire life, the tape is now in the hands of Vivid Entertainment, the same gentle folks who released ‘Backdoor To Chyna’.

Yesterday I shared with you a list of ten jokes to help you cope with the news, and thanks to the growing community of hilarious wrestling fans who read my Best And Worst Of WWE columns, here are ten more.

1. Burnsy: “Does he cut holes in the back of the condom wrapper to make it easier to tear open?”

2. mrejr8234: “Just when Hulk was gonna give the money shot he stopped and got dressed and told the lady she wasn’t ready to carry the load and finished himself off in the bathroom.”

3. TheRealMSol: “Turns out he has long blond pubes on the side of his dick, but the top is completely bald”

4. Homo_Erectus: “Does taking viagra and yelling “oh god, oh god, oh god” count as saying your prayers and taking your vitamins?”

5. brotz13: “When she kicks him out of bed, does she receive a booty call moments later from Mr. America?”

6. FunkyWarmMedina: “When he cums crashing down, does she hurt insiiiiide?”

7. PixelDrop: “Hope she was using a Bubba the Love Sponge.”

And now, a few jokes with hilarious video explanations.

Read the rest of this entry »

RELEASE THE KRAKEN!

Well, happy belated birthday, Hulkster. Yesterday, Hulk “Terry Bollea” Hogan celebrated his 58th birthday in only the truest American fashion – with his 35-year old wife, Jennifer McDaniel Bollea Hogan, and naked pictures of his daughter. Dad was on hand when Brooke Hogan revealed the image of her new PETA ad, in which she’s naked in a dog cage.

*tears shirt open* RESIST THE EASY JOKES, BROTHER!

From there, the Hogans celebrated birthdaymania with a fancy cake, some awkward poses, and with a camera jammed in their faces. But that was all the fun they would have before Hogan’s old enemies would come back to haunt him. Namely the Ultimate Warrior, who released a special birthday greeting on his Facebook page.

Read the rest of this entry »

The now regular pre-read numbers:

1. The last two editions of The Best and Worst of WWE Raw have clocked in at around 140 comments each, and I can’t tell you how thankful I am to you for that. I love reading your comments, even the negative ones, and the more you comment the more dynamic and engaging this whole process becomes. In fact, I’m proposing a contest: If we can get this shared around to enough jerky forums and Facebook feeds to get to 200 comments (legitimate comments, not +1 or john cena gay, or john cena gay +1) I’ll start handing out prizes. Because I like you, and you’re doing me a favor.

2. I’m officially giving up my quest to get @KaitlynWWE to notice me, so I’m moving on to @WWEKaitlyn, who I’m pretty sure is a fat guy trolling fan sites. I bet that guy would think I’m great.

3. I’m thinking about parlaying this into some kind of wrestling podcast. Is that a terrible idea? I feel like wrestling podcasts are either droll, lispy lists of dirt sheet rumors or wrestlers making inside jokes with their friends. I don’t lisp and I barely have any friends. I think it would work. Thoughts?

Anyway, enjoy the column. I got it up before four o’clock!

Read the rest of this entry »

I thought I was going to be done for the day, but the punny reprobates at the New York Post have dragged me back in. In their report of Randy Savage’s death, they wrote the following.

Savage’s passing follows the deaths of several other prominent wrestlers from the 1980s, including Yokozuna, Ultimate Warrior, Bam Bam Bigelow and Savage’s one-time female partner and wife, Miss Elizabeth.

The problem here is that Ultimate Warrior isn’t dead. In fact, he’s more the Warrior now than he was in the 80s, because he changed his name to WARRIOR (legally, in all caps). The whole “the original Ultimate Warrior is dead” rumor/running gag was born in that wonderful time when dumb wrestling fans figured out they could say what they “heard” to other dumb wrestling fans and they’d believe it. I think I read the same rumor about Yokozuna joining the Hart Foundation for two and a half years.

So yeah, hey New York Post, Warrior isn’t dead. You run a terrible operation, and make it hard for people of worth to get jobs in journalism. Warrior is alive, Yokozuna is never going to join the Hart Foundation, the original Undertaker is the same stupid Undertaker being the Undertaker right now, and stop getting dX420suckIt from the back pages of the Torch to write your articles.

I’ve followed my share of pro wrestling over the years, but that mostly ended when I learned that girls like to have sex with guys who don’t watch pro wrestling. So forgive me that I’m not too familiar with “champion” wrestler Big Dan Mandini (real name Dan Mezzina). Also known as “Half Man, Half Amazing”, “The Boy O’ Glee”, and “All That is Delicious” – according to his Facebook fan club with 5 members – Dan wrestles in the East Coast Pro-Wrestling stable and he recently got married. And like most of the kids these days, Dan got creative with his bridal party intros.

With the help of the awesome and legendary WWF/WWE announcer Howard Finkel, Dan’s wedding party was introduced to vintage WWF theme music, including Brett “The Hitman” Hart, The Orient Express, Linda McMahon, and Hulk Hogan. Dan and his bride, Jennifer, made the obvious – and best – choice and entered to Mr. Perfect’s theme music. All in all, I give the idea an A and the execution a C-minus, ranking this just above the WWE’s wedding of Billy and Chuck (pictured above). Look, if you’re going to invoke the legends of the WWF then I need to see all wheels spinning.

Check the video with my critique after the jump, as well as a special Dan Mandini wrasslin’ highlight and a few other perfect treats…

Read the rest of this entry »