The UCLA Spirit Squad held auditions this past weekend, and the Trojan Haters Club was there to document the visual evidence.  By which I mean "he took pictures of hot young coeds."  He must have had some kind of permit, because trust me: whenever I photograph hot coeds, a With Leather business card has never been enough to convince the police that I'm researching a sports story.  Maybe I shouldn't be photographing from trees.  Into second-story windows.

THC noted a special appearance by a campus celebrity:

One of the non-Cheer highlights of the Event was when [football coach] Rick Neuheisel paid a surprise visit.  He came over during a score-tallying break, and talked to us and some Judges, about Golf, and Rose Bowls… He was just so cool, so personable, and so approachable, that we felt comfortable to chime into his “conversation,” without feeling pushy.  And he instantly included us in the group.  SO COOL!!  Someone asked him if he was gonna stick around and Judge, but he said no way, that he had his own students that were keeping him very busy (but that otherwise, he would have loved to!).

Yes… "very busy."  You see, Rick was late to take a recruit to the Blue Zebra.  It's all-nude and no alcohol, so you can get high schoolers in without having to worry about getting them a fake ID.  It also features three girls who failed to make the Spirit Squad two years ago.  No pressure, ladies!

A Chicago-area man is suing the Bulls for a high-five gone awry.  Dentist Don Kalant Sr. claims he engaged unpopular and beloathed mascot Benny the Bull in a courtside hand-slap, only to end up with a torn bicep.

Kalant alleged he was sitting near courtside on Feb. 12 when he raised his arm to get a high-five from Barry Anderson, who portrays the exuberant mascot in a bright red fuzzy costume. [...]

Instead of merely slapping Kalant's palm, Anderson grabbed his arm as he fell forward, hyperextending Kalant's arm and rupturing his biceps muscle, according to the lawsuit filed in Cook County Circuit Court. "Benny's flying down the aisle, giving everybody high-fives," Kalant's attorney, Shawn Kasserman, said Monday in a telephone interview. "When he gets to Dr. Kalant, he either inadvertently trips or, as part of the shtick, trips. . . . He grabbed Kalant's arm and fell forward." [...]

Kalant stayed for the rest of the game but later had surgery and could miss as much as four months of work, Kasserman said. Kalant is seeking unspecified damages for medical bills, physical pain and lost earnings.

Admittedly, this looks bad for Anderson and the Bulls, but there's still room for the defense to win if this goes to trial.  You have to question the judgment of a guy who would buy courtside seats to a Bulls game.  Because they suck, you see.  That's a burn. 

[Foul Balls] 

Here's a collection of mascot "bloopers," and as you can see I've broken out the sarcastiquotes because most of these hijinks are annoyingly planned.  Listen, you plushy fur assholes, we don't want you to pretend you to get hurt, we want you to actually suffer real pain and humiliation.

Besides wearing a mascot costume for a living, that is.

[College Humor] 

Beloathed Steelers mascot Steely McBeam — or rather, the man inside the costume — was arrested for driving under the influence in January, leading to his release from the organization.  Kenneth Hahey, the man behind the foam yellow jaw and creepy pedophile leer, blew an impressive .166 on the Breathalyzer.

According to the criminal complaint, Hahey ran a red light while turning from Carson Street onto 10th Street about 1:45 a.m. Jan. 6. When an officer stopped Hahey, the officer detected a strong smell of alcohol and Hahey's speech was slurred and his eyes were glassy and bloodshot, the affidavit stated. Hahey failed roadside DUI tests. He was given three chances to pass the walk-and-turn test after he first complained that he was nervous and then said he wasn't on level ground.

In all fairness to Hahey, those tests are damn near impossible when you're shitfaced.  And you can't really blame a guy for drinking when the character he plays has "Beam" in his surname.  Why do cops have to be such tightasses about method acting?

[Deadspin] 

CAUTION: Clip contains Harry Truman's favorite word:

My question for Derrick Rose would be: "Wouldn't you like to go to school closer to home and play for the mighty Blue Demons of DePaul?" Then, I would chain myself to his leg until he agreed. Oh well, at least Rose has the chance to continue the tradition of Chicago-bred point guards leading their teams to the NCAA Championship, just as the great Isiah Thomas did for the Indiana Hoosiers in 1981. Maybe Rose will have a successful pro career and then run an original NBA franchise into the ground as general manager, too. I hope it's the Celtics. -KD 

{The Sporting Blog} 

Celtics Kevin Garnett and James Posey were attacked by Chicago's Bennie the Bull during the Celts' win in Chicago last night, when the mascot's ingratiating capering included firing t-shirts from an air cannon at the stars.  Well, at the star and Posey.

The incident happened when Garnett and Posey were walking to the bench during a timeout with 2:49 remaining. Garnett and Posey gave Bennie the Bull a glare, and, said Garnett, "We exchanged words." Garnett was sent back to the bench by the referees after trying to explain what happened.

"I felt threatened," said Posey…"Two T-shirts were thrown at me and KG. I don't feel safe. The T-shirts were fired out of that gun or whatever. I feel a little sore in one spot. I might have to get treatment… Let's see how the league handles this."

I, too, would like to see the league handle this responsibly.  I recommend that Bennie be punished with an official eye-roll coupled with a stern wanking motion.