A lot of Americans put a pretty high premium on being on television, otherwise dipshits wouldn't show up to Good Morning America or TRL just to look like jackasses for the folks at home. As you can see here, "local weatherman in Cincinnati dancing with a mascot and encouraging people to attend Reds games" ranks slightly below "douchebag getting belittled by Simon Cowell" and "Midwesterner waving in the background of a morning show" on the You Should Probably Kill Yourself Scale.
And look at that whore Rosie the Red. Could her skirt be any shorter? Mr. Met is gonna run through her like Matt Leinart in room full of ASU coeds.
UCLA's annual Undie Run was last month, but LAist just now got around to giving us a full gallery of Bruin coeds frolicking around in lingerie. That's the difference between LAist and me. Them: "Hmmm… photos of UCLA students in underwear… Mark those 'low priority.' We'll get to them whenever." Me: "Hello, Dad? Yeah, public indecency again. Can you wire me bail money?"
I really wish I'd known at age 17 that my entire professional career would consist of sweating my ass off in hostile climates and making stupid jokes online. I probably didn't need a private school education on frigid-ass Lake Michigan for that.
This is a public service announcement for any of you kids in high school: Listen to me. If you want to go to any college besides a state school with low admissions standards in a state where it's warm all year long, you're throwing four years of your life away. Don't try to be smart and hang out with other smart people. Just go to the gym and get tan and party with sexy young girls with no brains. You'll be much happier living life as a douchebag, I promise.
Full gallery by Tom Andrews and Ryan D. Knight here.
What to watch for in this weekends biggest matchups. One team or another in ALL CAPS.
ORIOLES over Nationals — I don't care what the mascots say, I'll take the team that didn't used to be the Expos. (photo from Nats320)
YANKEES over Mets — Johan pitches tonight for the Amazin's, but few teams can overcome the home-douche advantage at Yankee Stadium over the course of a weekend.
Spurs over HORNETS — Heh heh, the jinx is on, bitches. Or rather: I don't think the jinx isn't not off. *crosses fingers*
Padres over MARINERS – Over a decade of interleague play behind them, and the cities of San Diego and Seattle still hate each other as much as ever.
BOLT BUS over Chinatown Bus — Internet access and drivers who speak English. SOLD.
And that's that for another week. Your editors will be in and out next week, but With Leather shall continue apace with the usual slew of immature jokes and racy content. Huzzah!
The UCLA Spirit Squad held auditions this past weekend, and the Trojan Haters Club was there to document the visual evidence. By which I mean "he took pictures of hot young coeds." He must have had some kind of permit, because trust me: whenever I photograph hot coeds, a With Leather business card has never been enough to convince the police that I'm researching a sports story. Maybe I shouldn't be photographing from trees. Into second-story windows.
THC noted a special appearance by a campus celebrity:
One of the non-Cheer highlights of the Event was when [football coach] Rick Neuheisel paid a surprise visit. He came over during a score-tallying break, and talked to us and some Judges, about Golf, and Rose Bowls… He was just so cool, so personable, and so approachable, that we felt comfortable to chime into his “conversation,” without feeling pushy. And he instantly included us in the group. SO COOL!! Someone asked him if he was gonna stick around and Judge, but he said no way, that he had his own students that were keeping him very busy (but that otherwise, he would have loved to!).
Yes… "very busy." You see, Rick was late to take a recruit to the Blue Zebra. It's all-nude and no alcohol, so you can get high schoolers in without having to worry about getting them a fake ID. It also features three girls who failed to make the Spirit Squad two years ago. No pressure, ladies!
A Chicago-area man is suing the Bulls for a high-five gone awry. Dentist Don Kalant Sr. claims he engaged unpopular and beloathed mascot Benny the Bull in a courtside hand-slap, only to end up with a torn bicep.
Kalant alleged he was sitting near courtside on Feb. 12 when he raised his arm to get a high-five from Barry Anderson, who portrays the exuberant mascot in a bright red fuzzy costume. [...]
Instead of merely slapping Kalant's palm, Anderson grabbed his arm as he fell forward, hyperextending Kalant's arm and rupturing his biceps muscle, according to the lawsuit filed in Cook County Circuit Court. "Benny's flying down the aisle, giving everybody high-fives," Kalant's attorney, Shawn Kasserman, said Monday in a telephone interview. "When he gets to Dr. Kalant, he either inadvertently trips or, as part of the shtick, trips. . . . He grabbed Kalant's arm and fell forward." [...]
Kalant stayed for the rest of the game but later had surgery and could miss as much as four months of work, Kasserman said. Kalant is seeking unspecified damages for medical bills, physical pain and lost earnings.
Admittedly, this looks bad for Anderson and the Bulls, but there's still room for the defense to win if this goes to trial. You have to question the judgment of a guy who would buy courtside seats to a Bulls game. Because they suck, you see. That's a burn.
Here's a collection of mascot "bloopers," and as you can see I've broken out the sarcastiquotes because most of these hijinks are annoyingly planned. Listen, you plushy fur assholes, we don't want you to pretend you to get hurt, we want you to actually suffer real pain and humiliation.
Besides wearing a mascot costume for a living, that is.
