While I’ve yet to try Ron Swanson’s guaranteed hangover cure, I have tried hundreds, if not thousands, of others and not a single one works. Hell, there was even a time when I would have paid a million doll hairs for a case of XXX Vitamin Water because I was convinced that it was the ultimate hangover cure, but it turns out that 50 Cent and the makers of that sugar water bullsh*t were simply full of crap. If I can’t trust a mediocre rapper for my vitamins, who can I trust?

But it appears that some UCLA professor/doctor/scientist types have their eyes on the lucrative, untapped market of leaving frat boys’ bathroom sinks unclogged, as UCLA’s Yunfeng Lu and Cheng Ji are hard at work on an actual, honest-to-Pappy Van Winkle cure for the common hangover. Sorry cancer, maybe next year.

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Back in April I put up a video of Real Madrid winning the Copa del Rey, then promptly dropping and running over it with a double-decker bus. That’s the sort of mishap that mishappens once in a lifetime, right? Well, it turns out Real Madrid is really into committing vehicular manslaughter on the things they love, because now they’ve dropped a woman and run over her with a golf cart.

A rundown of events (cough) via Brooks Peck at Dirty Tackle:

While the players were being transported around the [UCLA] campus, one female fan decided to bum-rush one of the moving carts. She apparently didn’t consider the science of what happens when a person runs directly into a moving golf cart, because she got run over. The cart stopped momentarily before zooming off on its merry way.

The best part is the Hit And Run, because the guy filming just sort of goes “heh” and everyone moves on with their lives. No additional information is known about the victim at this time, but I’ve got a couple of working theories:

1. The woman was trying to commit suicide in the most uptight, Caucasian way possible (via a golf cart carrying a soccer team on a California college campus).
2. The woman was simply blind and jogging in the wrong direction.
3. The woman is Kevin James, and this is one of 800 similar jokes in his next movie.

Regardless, this is the least alert soccer team of all time. I hope you guys never crash your plane in the Andes Mountains, you’ll be dead within 20 minutes.

Last week, Charlie Sheen took time away from his uphill fight to finally attain sobriety nonstop, drug-fueled hooker orgies to offer some words of wisdom to the members of the UCLA baseball team. Sheen had little to say to the team, but I doubt their malleable minds will ever forget the advice they received that day:

“Don’t do crack, drink chocolate milk, and enjoy every moment..thats all I got.” -Charlie Sheen. That’s what he told our baseball team today @RichardBrehaut via Off The Bench

I’m the kind of guy who looks for any and every opportunity to crack a good Charlie Sheen joke, but to be honest, you can’t really find fault with that advice. Crack kills, chocolate milk is delicious, and enjoy every moment. All three are sentiments I can get behind. Before his McGruff the Crime Dog impression, Sheen took batting practice with the team.

After batting practice, Savage asked Charlie to talk to his team about drug use. Charlie obliged and got a standing ovation from the team.

As for his batting skills, Brandon says Charlie — who showed up with his own bat — almost hit a homer. –Off The Bench

I think we can all agree that Charlie Sheen is the right man for the Presidency in 2012. I think he could get a lot of support with a “Hookers and Blow for a Brighter Tomorrow” platform. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »