New rule: when somebody asks you a question on Twitter, run every word of it through the Urban Dictionary. Otherwise, you’re like the New York Mets, stuck talking about how awesome it is when people creampie you. Quick, somebody try to convince them that “cuckold” is an old-timey term for being “scrappy.” (h/t to Media Rantz)

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Eliza Coupe Loves Jack White, Hates Cats, Thinks A Lot About What Her Last Meal Would Be |UPROXX|

Jennifer Lawrence’s ‘SNL’ Promos Prove That She’s An Angel Sent By A Lunatic God |Warming Glow|

Die Hard Director John McTiernan is Headed to Awesome-Sounding Prison |Film Drunk|

Here’s An Emotional Breakdown Of Oregon Ducks Fans Today Presented By Ralph Wiggum |With Leather|

Makers of ‘Dead Island’ Offer Bloody Boob Statue With Their Game, Are Shocked When People Are Offended |Gamma Squad|

100-Word Review: Wu-Block’s Self-Titled Album |Smoking Section|

LOLNFL 2012-2013: Divisional Weekend |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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Tim Tebow’s brother Peter lives in Denver, loves Jesus (according to his Twitter bio, at least, I don’t know him personally or anything) and has over 15,000 Twitter followers, because every Bill Clinton needs his Roger. When the Broncos went down to the Ravens on Saturday, Peter took to the Tweeter and did a little harmless gloating:

That’s not too bad, right? A little misplaced schadenfreude from a guy with a misguided perspective. “My brother wasn’t good enough to play for your football team! I HOPE YOU LOSE! I also hope every other team also loses, I guess!” etc. Besides, his brother kinda-sorta plays for the Jets. What’s he supposed to do, enjoy victories?

Of course, by Monday the Twitter police was all over him, and Pete was forced to issue an apology for having football opinions:

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"It's okay, Tony, your terrible football will be back soon."

Remember Chris Rock’s old joke about guys turning into Batman when it’s time to watch porn, then getting caught because they left the tape in the VCR? The Twitter equivalent of porn in the VCR is “forgetting to log out of your business account before you say something stupid.”

Something stupid:

In one wanking-motion-worthy tweet, the Dallas Cowboys — nay, the Dallas Cowboys organization — threw shade at Major League Baseball AND the NHL. You know, because football is in direct competition with baseball and hockey and we can only like one team in one sport. One team in one spot that is not currently still playing football because they wouldn’t stop f**king up.

The tweet was quickly deleted, and most who saw it could chalk it up to an intern somewhere accidentally hitting “tweet” instead of “cancel.” Everybody makes stupid tweets, right? No harm, no foul. In fact, here’s what Cowboys digital media director Derek Eagleton had to say about it on his personal twitter account, shortly after the @dallascowboys deletion:

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Last month, by way of one of the best photo galleries ever put together by man, we introduced you to Wayne Gretzky’s daughter Paulina. She’s gorgeous, and her only jobs or hobbies seem to be being gorgeous, taking pictures with an expensive camera, photoshopping them to look vintage and occasionally mentioning what her Dad does (or is about to do) on Twitter. We had a great set-up that benefited everyone.

Unfortunately, the first rule of Pro Stars is that you do not talk about Pro Stars.

Paulina’s Twitter feed has been discontinued, and the Toronto Star is speculating that her father’s involvement in a potential purchase of the Toronto Maple Leafs might have something to do with it.

According to the Star, before shutting down her feed, Paulina tweeted, “Having a nice sit down dinner with my dad about social media..haha #SIKEEE.” She then signed off on Saturday, writing, “Taking a break from Twitter for a bit. Happy Holidays!!! xoxo.”

I wonder sometimes if beautiful, semi-famous young people think Twitter is the audience from ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’, where the Fresh Prince characters can see them and they’re there, but nobody mentions it. If I said something passive-aggressive about my Dad on the Internet when I was a teenager he would’ve spent the next 20 years refreshing the page every day and grounding me for every haha-serving-as-punctuation and hashtag.

In all seriousness, we wish Paulina a quick and happy return to the Internet. She’s like Courtney Stodden without all the emotional abuse.

[via NESN]

That tweet, from Tony La Russa’s daughter Devon (and courtesy of Big League Stew), is in response to a quickly-deleted Sunday night tweet that read:

I saw a crack head doing “The Wash” today. Coincidence? I think not…

I’m hoping “coincidence, I think not” is the phrase she’s apologizing for, or else she just called recovering cocaine addict and Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington a crackhead. But don’t worry, it’s just a phrase she uses! A phrase to describe people who do crack. Hopefully not to describe black people who do crack specifically.

As the guy who writes The Dugout, a comic where Ron Washington’s only appearances are drug-joke related and we once had Dmitri Young use someone’s skull as a bong, I can only cast so many stones. I will, however, point out that my RON WASHINGTON IS A CRACKHEAD commentary is presented in a fake AIM chatroom with pun screen names and tacos that can speak on a sports comedy blog, and Devon’s is not. I’ll also point out that if you’re just messing around, quickly deleting the comment so nobody can see you’ve made it is a good indicator that you quickly realized you were being dumb, and “it was dumb, sorry” would go a lot farther than “crack head is a phrase I’ve coined”.

I urge everyone who discusses this matter to avoid the phrase “freedom of speech” at all costs.

Rumors of the death of MMA fighter Kimbo Slice have been greatly exaggerated. Slice, whose “government name” is Kevin Ferguson, was mistaken by someone on Twitter for a gentleman of the same name that died over the weekend.

Mr. Slice himself was alerted to his fans’ concerns, and logged on to reassure everyone. “I’m straight, y’all,” he tweeted. “Thnkx for the concern. Some1 else with the same name passed away earlier from my old neighborhood.”

–Zap 2 It.

But seriously, Twitter has been really light on the dead celebrities lately. Of course, Leslie Nielsen and Don Meredith both had to die on weekends. Thanks a lot, guys.