photo credi: ImpactWrestling.com

Hello lovelies! It’s been too long. I’ve returned from the land of gross and incapacitating illnesses, and I brought a Best and Worst with me! T-shirts were sold out. Sorry.

A few things:

- The Mandible Claw was also on hiatus this week, given that the only things I could do were self-medicate and not move from the warm, comforting embrace of my couch. You should still check it out, though! It’s gonna be a good week next week, especially if you enjoy Chikara (you should), and me not sounding like Marianne Faithfull with post-nasal drip (you really should; it was weird).

- Everyone likes Chris Trew, yeah? And everyone likes fake sex with willing imaginary participants, yeah? Donate to the Air Sex Championship Documentary Kickstarter. Or don’t. But it’d be great if you did. Chris Trew is nice, and I want him to have nice things.

- I like Twitter. Twitter is easy. It’s also easy to follow me here. Follow With Leather, because Brandon and Burnsy are fun dudes, and UPROXX, because everyone loves Simon Pegg gifs.

This week on Impact: Joseph Park, more Joseph Park, and some other stuff I guess.

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Good ol’ Nate Diaz. Just a regular dude!

Y’see, Pat Healy got Submission of the Night at UFC 159 but had his $65,000 bonus forfeited to Bryan Caraway, the only other guy with a submission victory that night, when Healy tested positive for marijuana. If you’re wondering what part of that makes Bryan Caraway a fag, here’s his manager Mike Kogan to helpfully explain that when Diaz said “fag,” he didn’t mean “homosexual,” he meant “person who is weak and worthless.” Not like when straight people think gay people are weak and worthless and call them fags to deride them.

Like when we’re trying to deride women.

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I’m not trying to write this much about Macklemore, stories just keep happening. The guy is set to headline the Preakness with Pitbull this weekend and hung out onstage with the Oregon Duck LAST weekend. In two weekends he’ll be dating Kate Upton and winning a Most Beautiful Surfing Dog contest or whatever and we’ll never be rid of him.

Anyway, the reason we’re talking about him today is because he’s a loyal resident of Seattle, Washington, and as such, that makes him disdainful of the fine men and women of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Something about a pro basketball team being torn away moments before they became championship contenders, who can say for sure? So what happens when the NEW Sonics try to use the hit song of a guy who loves the OLD Sonics as their pre-game hype music?

TWITTER WARZ.

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Obligatory Bryce Harper image.

Bryce Harper is a 20-year old baseball phenom with lucrative endorsement deals, one bitchin’ Mercedes and a lifetime supply of Chipotle. I’ve also been told by strippers that he’s very handsome, but that means very little to me because my mommy tells me I’m the most handsomest man in the world. Regardless, there is very little to feel bad about when it comes to Harper, especially since he took that above picture with Brittney Palmer and then people started rumors that they were dating, and that’s pretty much the best thing that could ever happen to anyone.

So when Harper missed the Washington Nationals’ 7-3 win against the Chicago Cubs on Friday, there was obviously some concern among fans for Harper’s health. But because more people in Washington DC are concerned with Harper’s health than they are about stupid crap like healthcare or crime, the local media was quick to report that it was just a simple, harmless ingrown toenail.

And then, because people apparently asked him to, Harper Tweeted the pic of his toe right after the nail was removed. I’d warn you that this is graphic, but I’ve posted about Jon Jones’ “dislocated toe” three times, so get ready for a boo-boo.

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(h/t to Reddit)

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Links

15 Reasons Why The World Is Ready For Rick Moranis To Make A Comeback |UPROXX|

Someone Made A Great Parody Of Those Incredibly Vague ‘Previously On Mad Men’ Clips |Warming Glow|

‘Anchorman 2′ Added Yet Another Superstar Celebrity To Its List Of Cameos |Film Drunk|

Video: A Girl Chugged Beer Through Her Ear |With Leather|

Marvel’s ‘Group Hug’: See Posters For Famous Films If They Had Kept Their Working Titles |Gamma Squad|

Maxim Just Trolled The Sh*t Out Of Manti Te’o By Adding His Fake Girlfriend To Their “Hot 100″ List |Smoking Section|

Von Miller Leads The League In Chicken Tattoos |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Fighter Retrospective – Bas Rutten |LegKickTKO|

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Former Major Leaguer Fernando Tatis is quietly one of the best follows on Twitter. While a lot of baseball writers and fans in general – perhaps 2,797 of them – are familiar with his quirky Twitter habits, like his harmless trash-talking at Chan Ho Park that some people took a little too seriously, many people are missing out on Fernando’s new career as an MS Paint artist. Eat your heart out, Danger Guerrero.

As I’d seen his incredible work before, Fernando’s art was nothing new to me, but I was reminded of the combination of his exceptional talent and kind-hearted nature yesterday, when he had this pleasant exchange with a fan…

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