I’m not much for the whole hyperbole thing, as I naturally like to keep my over-embellishment limited to Brittney Palmer being the greatest person ever in the history of history, but I do find myself using the “My favorite thing ever” tag on a pretty regular basis. Well, I’m here to put an end to that today, folks. Because on December 20, 2012 – one day before humanity is set to end, according to people who completely misinterpreted an ancient slab of rock – I have finally found my very absolute favorite thing ever, and it’s called Baseball Card Vandals.

As simple as it sounds, Baseball Card Vandals is simply a crude artistic endeavor by a few unknown souls, who I assume are baseball fans, but it doesn’t really matter. Because as long as I’ve been sitting on my collection of cards that are now worth as much as the cardboard box that I keep them in – thanks a lot, 18 Ken Griffey Jr. rookie cards and that Bo Jackson Classic card – I should have just been doodling on them with a black Sharpie like these guys, because the result is awesome.

Seriously, guys like Rick Rhoden and Dan Quisenberry should be elated that someone is doing anything with their old baseball cards. Especially something as fantastic as this.

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One of the first classes that we should teach children in middle school is how to properly use search engines on the Internet. This goes not only for your basics like Google and Bing, but also for social media sites, because holy crap there are some really messed up people on Tumblr. The moral of this random opening is that sometimes searching “Food” will bring you to bisexual cyborgs flinging pudding at naked old people and sometimes it will bring you to someone’s creative artwork. Fortunately, we’re dealing with the latter today.

Falling into our long history of appreciation for zany sports fan art, I recently discovered designer Jesse Hora’s simply-but-aptly-titled “Athlete Objects”, which depicts some of our favorite professional athletes (mostly NBA players) as everyday items that represent their names. Again, even more than I love fan art, I love simple fan art, and with respect to Nancy Grace Monster Jams and the National Foodball League, Hora’s work may be my new favorite.

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First the newsy part – with very little surprise, former reality TV star and current girl who had a son with Jay Cutler, Kristin Cavallari, has “opened her home” to People Magazine, which is a very pleasant way of saying that she sold the first photos of her son, Camden Jack, to the popular celebrity magazine. And there he is above… wait a second, is that baby smiling? Yo, someone get Maury Povich on line 1, because I think we have a serious paternity test issue here. The fact that this kid didn’t pop out of the womb with two middle fingers in the air already has me concerned enough.

And now the fun part. Yesterday, my cool cousin with a sleeveless letterman jacket, Christmas Ape, posted one of the greater J-Cutty stories that we’ve heard in quite some time, and I don’t care if it’s an urban legend or not, because it just has to be true. In fact, if you go back and watch the highlights of him throwing four interceptions against the Green Bay Packers, and imagine him yelling, “DOOOONNNNNN’T CAAAAAAAAARE” after each one, well, it’s amazing.

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Yesterday, after we wished New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow a very happy 25th birthday, ESPN apparently turned the volume up to 11 and threw the Teebster a birthday party for the ages. Sadly, I missed that, so I just imagine that it was the complete opposite of Kirk Cameron’s birthday party. But a lot of the Tweeps that I follow on Twitter were none too pleased with it, especially our colleague at Awful Announcing, as he really had a banner day.

People love (and hate) Tebow and ESPN knows that, so the “Worldwide Leader” is going to treat him just like the media golden boy that he is while ignoring real sports news, because who cares about that crap anyway? Luckily, I stumbled across the Tumblr site “Tim Tebow Confessions” yesterday, and I think it’s just perfect for the folks in Bristol, CT so they can send in their deepest inner thoughts to let us know what they really think about Tebow without being embarrassed.

All kidding aside, though, when you read these confessions – a few of them quite head-scratching – you’re going to think at least half of them were written by Skip Bayless.

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On July 14, Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic are going to play a charity exhibition match at Real Madrid’s Santiago Bernabeau Stadium, as they’ll attempt to break the all-time record for attendance at a tennis match while raising money for the Real Madrid and Rafael Nadal Foundations. The current record was set in 2010 when more than 35,000 people watched Kim Clijsters beat Serena Williams in Brussels.

That’s awesome news because both foundations work to assist disabled children and these two rivals – if you call Djokovic owning a 7-match winning streak against Nadal a rivalry – are sure to put more than 40,000 butts in the seats for a good cause. And hopefully at some point, a fan says that Nadal looks like a capybara so I can make a better segue than this.

Self-described “person with some interests” Laurie Ainley recently launched the new Tumblr, Capybaras That Look Like Rafael Nadal, that indeed points out that the two-time Wimbledon champ looks a little bit like a capybara, or the largest rodent in the world. Is this just a little mean? Maybe, but I’ve long contended that capybaras are adorable, so we’re treating it as an honor.

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Save this show, seriously, if that’s a thing any of us can do.

Links

The 90 Best Tumblr Blogs Of 2011 - Pretty sure Buzzfeed has readied at least five of these lists a day for the entirety of December. [Buzzfeed]

The Five Most Awesome Games On a Graphing Calculator - The way we were advancing the technology in AP Calculus back in the day, I figured they’d be playing Mario Kart on those things by now. Whether or not you think graphing calculators are cool is the truest sign of uncoolness. [Gamma Squad]

Perez Hamilton Is The Best Perez Hilton Parody Tumblr EVAR!!! - Totally funny and run by a cute girl from Disney, proving that cute girls from Disney are our greatest asset and can do anything. [UPROXX]

The 10 Television Actresses You Were Most Likely to See Naked in 2011 - I don’t know who convinced Hollywood’s agents that movies are a terrible place to get naked and you have to CGI your breasts but TV is fine. “Next season calls for 19 scenes of buttf**king, that sound like something you’d be interested in?” “SHOAR!” [Warming Glow]

The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 12/5: Zack Ryder All Day Everyday - If you missed it, scroll down one post and read it. Important things are happening with this column! [With Leather]

Do The Source Magazine’s 5 Mics Still Matter? - I guess the white people equivalent to this would be “does Sushi-X’s GamePro score still matter?” And the answer is no, no it doesn’t. [Smoking Section]

Guns, Horses & Insecurities: Reporting From the Set of True Grit XXX - The XXX parody people should delve deeper into John Wayne’s filmography. I mean, The Shootist is probably the easiest thing to porn parody ever. [Film Drunk]

The Cello Skills Are Strong With This Star Wars Fan Video - “This Babylon 5 Fan Is Great At Playing The Recorder”. [Gamma Squad]

The Dozen Funniest Death Scenes In Otherwise Serious Movies - Titanic tops this list for me. I still break out the PUH PUH PUH PUH PROMISE ME RUH RUH RUH ROSE every now and then. [FARK]

Ranking Television’s 10 Best Boobs - Exactly what you think it’s gonna be, but yes, there is also a picture of Alison Brie. [Pajiba]

Time for the X-Men to Get Minimalist - Look at this yellow square! It’s Forge! [Unreality]

The Five Worst Surfing Wipeouts of 2011 - At least three of them were caused by a cursed tiki. [Brobible]

Artist Spots Hidden Animals In Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa - Somewhere in the world Dan Brown just scrolled through our Morning Links, went OH SH*T WHAT and started hyperventilating and scribbling in a notebook. [High Definite]