Back in October, we shared with you a video of Pittsburgh Steelers strong safety Troy Polamalu pretending to be a wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Hollywood so he could suddenly come to life and scare people. Now, almost nine months later, here’s the follow-up: Carmelo Anthony of the New York Knicks pretending to be a wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in Hollywood so he can suddenly come to life and scare people. Well, I guess you stick with what works. Going forward, I’m assuming everything in the museum is just a bored sports guy looking for a payday and an afternoon of air conditioning.
For all intents and purposes, Cleveland’s 14-3 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers wasn’t that big of a deal.
It was a defensive struggle. The Browns went into the game 4-8 against the 9-3 Steelers, so dropping a game on the road by only 11 points is pretty good. That’s sorta the running theme of being a Cleveland sports fan, you have to watch the Indians do well through June and finish the season clinging to second place in the worst division in baseball going “hey, this isn’t so bad!” Or the alternative, “CLEVELAND HAS WASTED THE LAST 20 YEARS OF MY LIFE, GO CLEVELAND.”
Because I’m not a Lead Football Analyst I can’t provide any insights you wouldn’t catch watching guys talk over a game, but what I can do is show you ten photos from the game and cut to the heart of the situation, bypassing photo service captions like “#18 makes a tackle on December 8, 2011″ with easier to handle captions like “look at this football team suck a f**king dick, you guys”.
We don’t cover clips from ‘The Colbert Report’ as much as our friends at UPROXX, but last night’s sports-rich segment, starting with the NFL fining Troy Polamalu for concussion-dialing his wife on the sideline and ending with Colbert’s second pro-NBA-owner Colbert Super PAC ad (with Mark Cuban’s face superimposed on the American flag), was glorious and needs to be shared.
I won’t pretend I can say it better than Colbert. Here’s the accompanying press release for the video:
Colbert Super PAC has decided to take its talents to a new TV ad about the ongoing NBA contract negotiations. The spot, entitled “Ball Gag,” attacks NBA Commissar David Stern’s “gag rule,” which bars team owners like Mark Cuban from talking to press, friends, or even their own spouses.
The spot, the second in a planned quadrilogy, is made possible by a generous donation from Colbert Super PAC S.H.H., an independent nonprofit which does not reveal its benefactors’ names, donation amount, or what (if any) NBA team they own.
“My beloved game of ball-in-hoop is in danger, and David Stern is throwing elbows, kneecapping team owners right in the mouth.” said Stephen Colbert, President and MVP for Colbert Super PAC and Colbert Super PAC S.H.H. “You know who else supports Cuban censorship? Fidel Castro. It seems to me that Commissioner Stern needs to either grow a beard, or let owners speak their minds.”
You can check out the rest of the press release after the jump. He’s totally right, I turn to that Fort Worth station I don’t get in Austin for all of my Texas news.
Check out what Troy Polamalu’s up to this season: promoting Head And Shoulders by posing as a wax figure and coming to life Kim Cattrall style to scare people at Madame Tussaud’s in Hollywood. And, uh, losing to the Texans!
Some of the better reactions in the video include a child who doesn’t know what a posing arm implies, an old man who says Troy Polamalu looks “a little” like Troy Polamalu and the girl at the :49 second mark who shoves him in the chest and almost fumbles the ball. I feel pretty jipped by this video, I’ve got to say. I was in Hollywood and walked by Madame Tussaud’s a few weeks ago, and the only living wax creature I saw was a guy in the lobby dressed like Rambo.
I’m not 100% on how this promotes shampoo (I mean previous to this were we supposed to believe he washed his hair with a stone, or what), but it’s pretty awesome, Steelers fan or no. They should do this gag with other players. Have Ben Roethlisberger stand still in the Madame Tussaud’s bathroom with his pants down and see how many people fall for it.
Vintage Promos: Jumpin’ Jeff Farmer Goes Full Force - In an effort to get all the people who hate me covering wrestling to be okay with it (or even enjoy it), here’s a classic from my days at “AOL News” featuring IPW’s most famous full force-going table-turner Jeff Farmer. If you aren’t laughing at the first word out of his mouth, there’s no hope for you. [HuffPo Presents The Sporting News]
Troy Polamalu Tries To Go Viral - I almost wrote about this yesterday, then thought about it for about four seconds and realized I’d be more or less posting about Powerade commercials. In no universe can you swipe at someone’s giant mess with hair clippers and come away with a perfect bald spot. The comments on the video are hilarious, though. [Shutdown Corner]
Nic Cage’s Son Plans to Prove Sanity by Becoming a Cage Fighter - He’s been practicing on his pregnant wife all year, so I’m sure he’ll do fine. Turns out Nicholas Cage’s son is more like a Napoleon Dynamite character than anyone in the world, including the guy that played Napoleon Dynamite. [Film Drunk]
Gallery: 10 Insane MMA Fan Tattoos - I think tattoos are beautiful, and I think body modification should have no social boundaries. That being said, 99% of people who have an idea for a tattoo should be shackled and thrown into a pit before being allowed to get them. [Cage Potato]
The Dugout: The Upper Upper Deck - Jim Thome hits a huge home run and I finally get around to writing about it in capital letters. I lost my old copy of Photoshop when my computer crashed and I’m trying to build these things with paint and f’ing Netscape Navigator. If you can help a brother out, please do so. [The Dugout]
Evan Longoria Is Digging Alex Morgan -As a blogger and longtime fan, I know baseball players are the kings of pretending you don’t exist. That’s part of what makes this so funny. Oh, okay Kyle Farnsworth, if I was a hot soccer star you’d want to do an interview with me? Good to know. [With Leather]
20 More Wrestling Clips for Attack of the Show to “Discover” - If the Jeff Farmer video didn’t work, try this collection of videos from the world of independent wrestling that involve scared children, strippers, plush wrestling dragons and more. [With Leather]
The Tosh.0 Marathon - I was proud yesterday when my girlfriend mentioned that “Parks and Recreation” is “probably [her] favorite show”. Previously it was Tosh. Maybe she got sick of watching people break their bones and vomit. [With Leather]
Top 20 Villainous Laughs - A great list, but completely invalid due to the omission of Fiona, head of Mega Records from Josie and the Pussycats. Maybe they’re saving her for the top 20 instances of people yelling LIGHTS and having lights turn on. [Gamma Squad]
Andrew WK Likes Comics More Than You - Yeah, but I bet I like partying way more than him. [Adult Swim]
Which Nurse From Popular Culture Would You Prefer Be Treated By - As someone who was sick a lot as a kid I don’t entertain that nurse fantasy, and if I was in the hospital I’d want someone to make me well, not have sex with me. That being said, I’d probably pick Ann Perkins, because she’s been a nurse for a long time and seems like she’s good at her job, and also is extremely pretty. [Uproxx]
Forbes has released their annual Top 10 Most Influential Athletes list, and for the second year in a row, happy-to-not-be-aborted NFL quarterback Tim Tebow has ranked in the top ten. Tebow (who looks like a pre-surgery Bristol Palin) is one of four NFL players to make the list, along with Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning, Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu, and New England Patriots Derby-attender Tom Brady. The difference between Tebow and the other people on the list is that the other people on the list have actually done things in professional football.
Tebow dropped from number three in 2010 to number ten in 2011. If he wants to get back to the top, he’s only got two options: win a Super Bowl, or write the entirety of Ephesians 6:10-18 across his forehead and hope for the best.
Interestingly enough, Forbes list contains no professional baseball, hockey or soccer players, but does feature a swimmer and three guys who drive cars. I don’t want to get into the “are NASCAR drivers athletes” debate (because they aren’t, because come on), but I understand their placement: if Dale Earnhardt Jr. told someone in my family to grab a knife and stab me, I’d be stabbed before he explained why.