Chad Ochocinco’s new reality series The Ultimate Catch (GET IT?!?!) debuted on VH1 last Sunday and I missed the first episode. But thanks to the overwhelming encouragement of my friends and a very generous Internet, I caught up on episode 1 last night before watching episode 2. As a precursor, I hate reality TV with a passion. But bless Chad’s heart, because this show is phenomenal. In fact, it’s so awesomely awful that we’re going to devote a post every Monday to recap each episode until Chad ultimately finds love*.

To catch us up, here are the basics of the show: Ochocinco has created a tournament bracket for girls to compete in a variety of football-themed, humiliating events in order to win his affection. These events include the Hugging Sled (see after the jump), a simulated gameday tailgate featuring actual Cincinnati Bengals fans, and lots of jiggling. Terrell Owens even stopped by to show us that he has absolutely nothing else going on in his life. But the stakes were raised for the 16 girls who made it past the first episode’s cuts, and for the second episode they had to compete against each other in double dates to advance to the next round. Thank God Chad didn’t employ his own version of the BCS.

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Good afternoon, ESPN. Hey, we’re calling for 50 Cent. He’s a big fan of SportsCenter and he wants to come on. He does? Yeah. He…wants to come on SportsCenter…as an anchor? Yeah, we were thinking more like an analyst, you could ask him questions, and he could give you his opinions on sports. Fitty has opinions on sports? Well, no, not really. Sounds great. When can he come in?

[The Sports Hernia]

The good news for the Washington Nationals is that no one is hurt. The bad news is… well, there isn't any bad news. It's just funny news. You see, the Nats' train home from New York derailed Tuesday morning, proving that God may have a sense of humor, but his comic timing is actually three or four months late if he wanted to get the most out of the joke.

It's weird. I sit here all day looking through sports stories for something as perfect as this, and when it finally happens, I'm disappointed. It's too easy. Train wreck. Washington Nationals. What else can I do? Second-graders can connect the dots on that one. And second-graders are still laughing at puns on popsicle sticks.

Couldn't the Nats have given me something to work with? Like, say, everyone got killed except for Alfonso Soriano? I could bring the room down with that. Okay, okay, I don't want to wish death on the Nats… but were there at least banana peels on the tracks? Monkeys distracting the engineer? Clowns in the caboose? C'mon, gimme something.