The New York Yankees bounced back from their humiliating 4-game sweep at the hands of the Oakland Athletics over the weekend by not only beating the Seattle Mariners 4-1 on the field, but also by crushing the spirit of the entire city. In what can only be described as one of those baseball trades that “had to be done for the sake of the aging star”, the Mariners traded their franchise superstar Ichiro Suzuki to the Yankees for a pair of prospects and hopefully a can of Pringles, because they’re delicious.

What made this trade so remarkable wasn’t that it even happened in the first place, but that it went down before the Yankees came to Safeco Field and played the Mariners. That’s like the Patriots trading Tom Brady to the Jets on a Sunday morning or the Lakers trading Kobe Bryant to the Celtics on Christmas Day. But this is ultimately about the star who gave all and received very little from his team in return. As Ichiro said:

“I am going from a team with the most losses (in the American League) to a team with the most wins,” he said. “It’s hard to contain my excitement for that reason.”

Ichiro was greeted with a standing ovation and probably enough misty eyes to fill a second Puget Sound, as he belted a single up the middle for his first at-bat as a Yankee. And there goes another one, a Mariners legend, like Ken Griffey Jr. and Alex Rodriguez before him, gone without fulfilling an Emerald City dream of winning a World Series.

Death Cab for Cutie front man Ben Gibbard knows how Mariners fans must feel right now, as he has finally released a song that he wrote about Ichiro a few years ago, called “Ichiro’s Theme”. Like to hear it? Here it goes.

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"And I was like, 'Toronto? Sorry, wrong number. No Steve Nash here.'"

Depending on whom you ask, the Los Angeles Lakers either just pulled off a fantastic or terrible trade that makes them instant contenders again or just makes them older. Yesterday, the Lakers defiled our nation’s birthday by making the day’s biggest sports news all about a Canadian athlete. The Phoenix Suns have agreed to ship Steve Nash to L.A. for a goodie bag of draft picks and cash.

Specifically, the Suns inked Nash to a 3-year, $27 million extension and will swing him to the Lakeshow for $3 million and four draft picks. The Lakers were able to make the deal happen thanks to that exemption they received from Dallas in the “Lamar Odom’s worthless presence” trade last season.

So what sold Nash, who had interest from a bunch of teams, on this particular deal?

“This is what I call a family values contract,” Nash’s agent Bill Duffy told USA TODAY Sports. “He was seriously considering retiring so he could remain close to his children. We had to twist his arm to have an open mind. He didn’t want to be away from his children, and this allows him to be in a competitive situation, and even though it’s a rival, he wanted Phoenix to get some value back. It’s a win-win.” (Via USA Today)

Added Duffy, “I was all like, ‘Retirement shmetirement, bro. Daddy needs a new beach house in San Diego. Think about others for once, you selfish dick.’ And boom, Lakers.”

Of course once the news broke, so did the dam that keeps all of the Internet’s hyperbole from drowning us. Nash is 38-years old, and he’ll turn 39 in the middle of the 2012-13 season, so can he still be the point guard that Kobe Bryant and the Lakers have desperately craved since Derek Fisher’s age caught up to him?

Let’s speculate and debate and then hug.

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Jim Thome is now a Baltimore Oriole, and “Jim Thome trades” are between “Phillie Phanatic got injured” and “Kate Upton uploaded naked pictures of herself” on the list of important stories for me to cover. It’s just what I do.

To celebrate this momentous occasion, we’ve set up our first ever cross-site Dugout promotion. For part one of this Dugout, you’ll want to head over to Progressive Boink, the strip’s original home.

Like that, leave a comment, then head back over to read part two, which has fewer curse words but more overt references to The Wire. It’s fun for all, and I love my friends at P-Boi, so stick around over there and read some dumb stuff.

Anyway, Dugout, Thome, Orioles. After the jump.

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He should’ve just gone for it, said “also you’re in last place” and done a bunch of crotch chops. (via OTB)

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100-Word Album Review: Juvenile’s “Rejuvenation” |Smoking Section|

VIDEO: Jew-Hating Elmo Kicked Out of Central Park Zoo |Film Drunk|

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From the cover of today's Florida Times Union.

A number of fake Twitter accounts were responsible for yesterday’s bevy of misinformation regarding which team Tim Tebow was actually being traded to, and while it really was quite humorous watching actual reporters deliver false news, it was ultimately frustrating. Either way, Tebow is 100% a New York Jet now, and the only thing we need to know moving forward is that the Jacksonville Jaguars are the big losers.

Disclaimer: I don’t actually believe that. But that’s the message that a good amount of media types have been conveying ad nauseum, as they shake their fists and stomp their feet at owner Shad Kahn and the Jags for not trading for Tebow. Of course, their reason wasn’t that he’d help the Jags win. No, they only care that he’d sell tickets, something that the Jags haven’t been very good at.

Despite that completely asinine reasoning, Kahn was forced to deliver a statement on why he didn’t acquire Tebow.

“Earlier this week I asked Gene Smith and his staff to explore the potential of acquiring Tim Tebow. I think we have a duty to consider all avenues of improving the Jaguars on and off the field, especially given the unique circumstances involving the player. I appreciate the high level of due diligence Gene and his staff dedicated to this matter, even as late as this evening, and I am very satisfied with the outcome. Our commitment to developing Blaine Gabbert was, and still is, central to our goal of returning the Jaguars to elite status in the NFL. We’re looking ahead with zero regrets.”

Blaine Gabbert is not a bad quarterback. He was drafted early in the first round for a reason, and that’s to help the Jags win. All the Jags have ever needed are wide receivers that can hold onto the ball. If they get a few of those, they could actually win games, and seeing as Florida rivals only New York in bandwagon sports fans, that would put asses in those empty, tarp-covered seats.

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Ah Twitter, where athlete rants are born and subsequently apologized for. Today’s hot rant comes courtesy of New York Jets DB Antonio Cromartie, who bought into the rumors that his team could indeed be sending a draft pick to the Denver Broncos for Tim Tebow, and we should have listened to him, because he was right. The Jets indeed traded for Tim Tebow.

Cromartie actually made a valid point that his team should be focused on other pieces to help Mark Sanchez, who just signed an extension with the Jets after rumors that they were pursuing Peyton Manning. But he’s probably just upset that he has another name to remember. *rim shot*

As I said, valid points… if Tebow will be competing for the starting QB gig. But he won’t. He’ll be filling Brad Smith’s previous role as the utility guy for wildcat and gimmick plays, which would be especially potent now that Mr. Wildcat himself, Tony Sparano, is running the offense for the Jets. Hell, Cromartie and the Jets should be excited about the idea of Tebow as a QB/HB/TE/FB/WR option for Sanchez.

In the meantime, if you’re wondering where that massive shadow is coming from, it’s the New York sports media’s erection.