"See? Forks are much nicer than pointy sticks."

The NBA trade deadline has passed (kind of) with no blockbusters as sort of expected, depending on which side of the Dwight Howard fence you were sitting. But Howard ended up finally signing his ETO to play for the Orlando Magic through next season (hooray for 365 more days of speculation) which means that most other teams just went business as usual, including Howard’s biggest suitor – the New Jersey Nets.

Leading up to Howard’s decision *groan* it was rumored that the Nets were possibly willing to sweeten their deal for the game’s best center by including MarShon Brooks, two draft picks and even Kris Humphries, if the former Mr. Kardashian would be willing to waive his no-trade clause. And I almost missed his outstanding remark about being traded, but thankfully my favorite Klingon tipster didn’t.

“Would you jump off a bridge?” Humphries asked reporters who inquired about his willingness to waive the no-trade. “It depends how high the water is (or) if there was a drowning baby in the water. I mean, because you (might) jump off in the summer, if it was warm out, (and) you know the water was deep underneath.

“It’s all circumstantial, is the point I’m trying to make,” he said. (Via the New Jersey Star-Ledger)

I’m really glad he pointed out that he was trying to make a point, because I would have had no idea what the f*ck he was talking about. At least it’s nice to know that he’d consider jumping off a bridge to save a drowning baby if it was warm enough outside and the water was deep enough. Because, seriously, I’m sick and tired of babies that drown in shallow water and put my body at risk. That’s just selfish.

In related news, Humphries’ ex, Kim Kardashian, is suing a Mexican plastic surgeon for using an image of her in a bikini on a billboard that is currently posted near the California/Mexico border.

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In case you missed it last night, Dwight Howard had one of the more remarkable games in his career as the Orlando Magic had their most remarkable win of the season. The Magic overcame a 14-point halftime deficit that was the result of a 20-0 Miami Heat run in the second quarter to defeat their in-state rivals 104-98 in overtime. Howard posted 24 points and 25 rebounds to lead his band of merry just-not-good-enoughers to their third straight win. And that’s where the fun ends.

During last night’s game, a Dwight Howard New Jersey Nets shirt (above) was briefly available on NBA.com, and after the game, ESPN had a very peculiar description for Howard’s effort and the importance of that game.

Howard is currently with the Magic in San Antonio, so if it was his Orlando finale, the Magic are getting as much mileage out of him as possible. Leading up to last night’s game, the Twitters were alive with the sounds of rumors that the Magic were part of a threeway deal with the Milwaukee Bucks and Golden State Warriors that would land them Monta Ellis, one of Howard’s preferred additions, but that was shot to poop when the Bucks and Warriors kicked the Magic out of bed and just had themselves a two-way.

Meanwhile, Howard was asked after his team’s win if he wants to be traded before tomorrow’s deadline and his response was: “I told the team I want to stay and finish the season.” He also said that the Magic could then roll the dice on him in the offseason, to which LeBron James responded, “Yo Cleveland, check out this assh*le!”

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With All-Star Weekend’s magnificent machete fights behind us, NBA fans can go back to focusing on the only thing that matters: Jeremy Lin. And after that, they can also wonder, “Hey, what’s going to happen to Dwight Howard?” Because with the NBA trade deadline just two weeks away, we’re about to head face first into the shallow end of the unsubstantiated rumor pool. Dwight Howard, Jameer Nelson and Hedo Turkoglu for Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol? Sure. Because the Lakers have formed an empire on stupidity.

But Magic fans haven’t given up hope just yet – well, I have, but I’m a natural pessimist – and they’ve begun the 6th stage of Superstar Departure Denial: song writing. Local musician Jeff Wilson (HUGE fan… *wank wank*) organized some local fans, including the Fat Guy (but not Old Sweater Vest Guy, which is disappointing), for “Let’s Fight for Dwight.” If anything, it’s effort.

Stay tuned for my debut Magic song, “Let’s Hit Otis with a Torpedotis.”

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Update: 4 pm, not midnight. I’m allowed to get one wrong on a Friday.

In moves that must be terrifying NBA executives from coast-to-coast, MLB teams are actually making pretty big deals in order to win as the trade deadline approaches tomorrow. Of course baseball has the waiver deadline as well, but this has been one of the more active trade deadlines in recent years, with the Texas Rangers and San Diego Padres stocking up on bats to hold on to their first place spots, while contenders like the Philadelphia Phillies try to erase the past with blockbuster deals. Meanwhile, the Pittsburgh Pirates are still the lone vote for a 12-game season.

The week began with the Arizona Diamondbacks dealing ace Dan Haren to the Los Angeles Angels of Angels Angels for a package involving Joe Saunders and prospects, and from there the trade deadline panties dropped. The biggest name to be dealt is Roy Oswalt, who has been the target of trade speculation for the past five seasons. The former Cy Young Award winner finally waived his no trade clause to pitch for a contender, or at least a team within 14 games of first place.

Just try to make us forget the Cliff Lee debacle, Philadelphia Inquirer:

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