THE SPORTING BLOG is reporting that Armstrong still plans to race in the Giro d’Italia in about a month, even though his collarbone may not be healed by then. Like I said, it was a ridiculous theory.

When we last left Lance Armstrong, he had just been solicited for a hair sample–much to his surprise–by the French anti-doping agency. Such a reaction from the seven-time Tour de France seems curious, especially with the big race only months away. If only there was a way to heroically back out of the race without dealing with the scrutiny of being disqualified. From the DashBot at Deadspin:

Armstrong got caught up in a scrum about 12.5 miles from the finish of the first stage of the “Vuelta of Castilla and Leon” near Baltanas, Spain, yesterday. As the road narrowed, a couple of cyclists in the lead pack crashed, taking Armstrong down with them, breaking his right collarbone and possibly aborting his cycling comeback before it ever really got started. (And the same week Matt Lauer hits a deer on his bike? Spooky.) But why am I telling you this, when 140 characters could do the job just as well?

Look, I admit that I don’t know how these KGB-style doping agencies work, and frankly I don’t think you could swing a baguette in downtown Paris without swiping someone that wouldn’t leak a positive Lance Armstrong test. So I don’t really know if Armstrong missing the race would keep his name clear, not that such a thing ever did Barry Bonds any good. And the theory would be almost too ridiculous to mention, had Nick Tarnowski of On The DL not said nearly the exact same thing this morning. I guess great, paranoid, sleep-deprived minds think alike.

Three weeks of people riding bicycles came to an end yesterday, as the Tour de France's riders rolled down the Champs-Élysées like Wehrmacht Panzers.  Spaniard Carlos Sastre of Team CSC won the sport's marquee event, while Aussie Cadel Evans placed second, followed by Austrian Bernard Kohl.

The biggest story of the 2008 Tour, however, was the crackdown on testing for blood-doping and other performance enhancers.  Yes, it's possible to think of this race as "marred" by the four positive tests that have been revealed thus far, but the circumspect fan will realize that this is a necessary growing pain for the sport to regain its fans' trust.

Nah just kidding.  I'm not even sure cycling fans exist.  Like, I've heard about them, but I've never seen one.  So they're kinda like the tooth fairy, or a Tyrannosaurus Rex, or a stripper who gives free lap dances.

There are no Tour de France stories unless there are suspicion-of-doping Tour de France stories. It's the only way to get exposure in this part of the world for cycling. So you have to wonder why one of those biking-type people would strive so hard to flee drug testers.

Riccardo Ricco tried to flee from anti-doping officials who were escorting him after the fourth stage of the Tour de France, which the Italian rider tested positive for the banned blood-booster EPO.

Pierre Bordry, the head of the French Anti-Doping Agency (AFLD) that tested Ricco, explained how the Saunier Duval leader avoided an anti-doping chaperon after the time trial on July 8.

"When he knew he was going to be tested, he went off, and it is the escort who caught him up," Bordry said Tuesday. "He found himself blocked off. There was a traffic jam of cars and he could not get through the cars."

With all that extra blood in the brain you'd think he could come up with a way to duck a couple Frenchmen. The natural Italian response is to a threat to flop and feign great injury, which most likely doesn't enhance the chances of escape. That and the French are the masters of retreat. There's no way you can flee from them that they have not attempted in fear of another. Foolish Italian pigdog!

There are many reasons you should never consider cycling as a desirable pursuit. Chief among them, besides the fact that it earns you the admiration of the French, is that the sports inflicts a hefty toll on your man regions. Hoping to counteract that, a pharmaceutical scientist designed for cyclist Dave Zabriskie a balm "to reduce and relieve chafing, irritation, and protect fragile perineal skin".

Then he got a 13-year-old (or Dr. Dre) to name the stuff.

Marketed with an entreaty to "protect your junk," dznuts spokesscrotum Zabriskie describes its necessity thusly:

“Proper MAINTAINTANANCE of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.”

Get it!? Because the perineum is the taint. Or grundel, depending on your preference in slang terms for the area between your balls and your ass crack. So, yeah, buy the stuff or you'll be DISGRUNDELED! HEY-O!!! Hey marketing department, there's a freebee! Next one's $100.

[Deuce of Davenport]

What to watch for in this weekend's biggest matchups.  One team or another in ALL CAPS.

WHEREVER SHE AT over Tour de France – Unless it's some seaside area near the course. I doubt it. Coordinates please.

Angels over ATHLETICS – Because this is apparently the best baseball match-up of the weekend. And one of the teams just dealt one of their starters to the Cubs. And there's still half a season left to go!

HAVING YOUR NUTS RUN OVER BY A STEAMROLLER AFTER BEING SET ON FIRE AND LANCED BY INFECTED NEEDLES over Meet Dave – And it's not even close.

Wladimir Klitschko over TONY THOMPSON – Because I think Klitschko will win. And because I want to employ the patented With Leather jinx since I'm pulling for Thompson.

So concludes another Sexy Friday. Play it safe over the weekend and as a rule of thumb: Don't Do What Matt Jones Does. Which is suck at life. 

By popular demand, here's video of a labrador retriever ruining Marcus Burghardt's shit at the Tour de France.  Yes, this was on Deadspin yesterday, but now that Michael Vick has been indicted, this looks more and more like the beginning of an organized canine uprising against athletes.

Fun fact: Burghardt rides for T-Mobile, and his teammate Patrik Sinewitz was just busted for steroid use.  And the dogs at Michael Vick's house were probably on steroids!  It's all connected, man!  Someone tell Oliver Stone!