For those of you who don’t own the 2013 With Leather Calendar of Things You Probably Shouldn’t Know Exist*, May is National Masturbation Month, or as millions of men around the world call it – May. Naturally, there are special interest groups out there who have made it a collective goal to help both men and women understand that stroking the pickle and flicking the bean is nothing to be ashamed of.

So how do you spread this sticky philosophy? By organizing a month-long Masturbate-A-Thon in Philadelphia, naturally. The folks at ScrewSmart and Pleasure Rush! have established a CrowdRise fundraiser to help raise $3,000 during May in order to pay for a climactic (pun intended) event on May 27. Known as the Creamium!, this party will honor those who gave their forearms an extra special workout this month.

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With hundreds of thousands of college students recovering, enjoying or maybe still planning their Spring Break adventures for this year, word is beginning to surface that there may be a darker underbelly to this great American tradition that I have been honoring all week. According to the cool kids who play their loud rap music at the malt shops, there’s a chance that young men and women are “hooking up” and “getting their freak on” whilst taking a break from Academia, and it appears that the culprit behind all of this nincompoopery is Victoria’s Secret and its new “Bright Young Things” line.

While I refuse to believe that a company as splendid as VS, which has brought us shining examples of humanity in Adriana Lima, Doutzen Kroes, Candice Swanepoel and many, many others, would knowingly encourage young women to behave in illicit manners, there are some parents out there who believe otherwise. And parents know everything and have never, ever done anything wrong. Am I right, kids?

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If there’s one thing that I have little tolerance for, it’s crime. But the easiest way to push me into full on vigilante mode is to commit a criminal act against a “breastaurant”, and that’s exactly what two bros did in the wee hours of Tuesday morning last week in San Diego. Fortunately, the Hooters on Bernardo Drive in San Diego was closed and empty when two men “in their late teens or 20s” shattered the glass of the store’s front door and attempted to pull off one of the stupidest robberies you’ll ever hear of.

The driver tried to back the truck into the business, but the door opening was too narrow, Brown said. The other suspect then got a tow strap from the truck’s bed and wrapped it around the free-standing five-foot-tall juke box with the restaurant’s logo in the restaurant’s lobby, Brown said.

That suspect pushed the machine toward the doors and the driver helped get it into the truck before they drove off, Brown said. (Via ABC 10 News)

Wait, they stole the jukebox from a Hooters? Don’t they know they could have saved a lot of time and effort by just illegally downloading every Nickelback album? Actually, it turns out they’re just complete idiots.

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While I’ve yet to try Ron Swanson’s guaranteed hangover cure, I have tried hundreds, if not thousands, of others and not a single one works. Hell, there was even a time when I would have paid a million doll hairs for a case of XXX Vitamin Water because I was convinced that it was the ultimate hangover cure, but it turns out that 50 Cent and the makers of that sugar water bullsh*t were simply full of crap. If I can’t trust a mediocre rapper for my vitamins, who can I trust?

But it appears that some UCLA professor/doctor/scientist types have their eyes on the lucrative, untapped market of leaving frat boys’ bathroom sinks unclogged, as UCLA’s Yunfeng Lu and Cheng Ji are hard at work on an actual, honest-to-Pappy Van Winkle cure for the common hangover. Sorry cancer, maybe next year.

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In talking with a friend of mine yesterday, after news broke that Mindy McCready had killed herself, he asked, “Who the f*ck is Mindy McCready?” I first replied, “A country singer.” That didn’t clear anything up. Next I tried, “Crazy lady, always in and out of rehab”, but that didn’t help either. So I went with: “Roger Clemens had an affair with her back in the 90s when she was like 15 or something” and he replied, “Oh yeah”, and the reason I bring this up is because the New York Daily News editors apparently had a similar discussion with someone last night as well.

McCready’s death and her relationship with Clemens really have nothing to do with each other, unless you count “They’re both things that happened” as a valid excuse, in which case you can go ahead and report to the NY Daily News for your new gig. It’s also important to remember that not only is a very troubled person now dead, but so is her boyfriend, whose murder had people pointing at McCready, and she even killed her dog before offing herself, which… well, my feelings about people who kill pets can best be summed up in one GIF.

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Look at this disgusting pig. Pig cat.

Providing further evidence that the U.S. has become a country full of people obsessed with glamour and fame while embracing laziness and apathy, the team at Today recently told us the story of one brave American who is finally fighting back. Holly is a 13-year old cat whose owner refers to as a “couch potato”, which is why it comes as no surprise that she has grown to a disgusting weight of 18-pounds.

Now, though, as her doctors have told her that she must lose at least six pounds to save her life, Holly has adopted a new weight loss routine thanks to the fine people at Olde Towne Pet Resort in Dulles, Virginia. It is at this very resort that Holly, with only a life jacket and a hunger to live, has begun swimming daily in a pool that is sometimes filled with ferocious dogs.

Bravery indeed has a new name today, and it is Holly.

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