Two coaches for Toronto FC of the MLS had to jump out of the way when an 8-year-old driving a van nearly hit them.  The boy was driving at the behest of his father, who — to be fair — was too drunk to drive.  So it was almost responsible parenting.

Witnesses said the boy crashed the van into a tree, shattering the driver’s side rear window, after the two coaches got out of the way. The boy then crashed a second time into a tree, damaging the car’s radiator, the police report said.

When police arrived, Belanger fell to the ground after he dropped his wallet. When he fell, he slammed his face on the pavement, leaving a gash on the bridge of his nose.

The boy told police his father took “liquid medicine in order to feel better.” He pointed to an empty bottle of Canadian whiskey in the vehicle.

A good question here would be, “Wait, so why is a cat driving the car in the picture?”  And I’ll be honest, I don’t really have a good answer for that.  I just think cats are funnier than kids.  Just be glad I didn’t replace the dad with a side of bacon.

[Deadspin]

Major League Soccer began its season this past weekend, and while it didn't get so much as acknowledging head nod from With Leather, plenty of Toronto FC fans made the trek from Canadia down to Columbus for the opener against the Crew.  And they were pleasant guests.

They encouraged the Crew cheerleaders [pictured] to "take off their tops", and they let out a collective groan when FC striker Colin Samuel missed a penalty kick. And they kept on drinking. [...] One red-faced Toronto fan challenged a red-faced Columbus fan to a fight. Fingers were pointed, insults hurled, a punch thrown, a lip bloodied. A few FC supporters had to be escorted to the stadium gates in handcuffs by the Columbus police, ejected for their loutish behaviour.

They also made friends with the local police. 

"They're pissing all over the damn place, and as you can see, they've littered it up considerably," Columbus police lieutenant Kevin Conley said. "And then they decided that they were going to surround one of our cars like they were the Indians and the car was Custer."

Conley said Toronto fans had been urinating on a chain link fence that bordered the field, even though it looked onto a church across the street. The churchgoers called police, and one man was arrested.

Hmmm…  So Canadians are drunk hooligans who piss off church-going Ohioans?  Well played, sirs.  Sitting here in my apartment, I'm all talk and no game.  When you actually get off your ass to get lit and start fights and pee on Ohio churches, well, those are the kind of proactive assholes I wanna party with.

[SPORTSbyBROOKS] 

With the Premiership's season over, we'll have to make do with the occasional MLS highlight.  In this clip, Toronto FC (wait, Toronto has a soccer team now?) scores its first goal ever a mere five games into their existence, as Danny Dichioscores the first of three Toronto goals in a 3-1 victory over the Chicago Fire.  And the long-suffering fans of Canadia celebrate by… hurling their seat cushions onto the pitch. 

Just like weak-ass Canadia.  Sure, the seat cushions fly real nice, but they're way too soft.  And supportive of their team (the cushions AND the Canadians, that is).  Listen, Toronto: pick a side.  Either join America in not caring about soccer or work on inclusion in the E.U. by murdering some opposing fans in the stands and littering the field with pyrotechnics.  Or at least bags of urine.  C'mon, show some pride.

Video from The Offside