I don’t want to bombard you with videos to end the day, but this one is “the Internet” in a comfortable 16 second encapsulation. While reporter Heidi Watney talks about Jose Bautista on the sidelines at a Toronto Blue Jays versus Boston Red Sox game, a fan in the stands (who may or may not be Peyton Manning if you look at him long enough) gives her a hardcore ogling, complete with suggestive eyebrows.

The closest I’ve come to being this kid was when Jennie Finch sat in the row behind me at a Round Rock Express game last season. I just shook her hand and told her I liked what she did, but I probably should’ve put my hand over my mouth and made “a-ooga, A-OOGA” noises.

[via The Nosebleeds]

Last week, we were full of oohs and ahs after a Cirque du Soleil performer delivered one of the most ridiculously fantastic first pitches in baseball history, said the guy using hyperbole. But the fine people at San Diego’s PETCO Park can go back to the drawing board because all of the front flips and barrel rolls in the world can’t top yesterday’s first pitch at Fenway Park.

The family of U.S. Navy Petty Officer Bridget Lydon gathered on the pitcher’s mound prior to yesterday’s game against the Toronto Blue Jays for a special video greeting from Lydon. But as they watched the video, Lydon stepped out from behind a giant American flag and greeted her family in person for the first time since she was deployed on the USS Ronald Reagan in 2009. Lydon returned on the Reagan recently after a quick stop in Japan to aid tsunami and earthquake victims, but her family had no clue she was homeward bound. Me and my tear ducts agree that this was a pretty damn good surprise. And while Lydon’s pitch was way off target, I’m betting that most Red Sox fans would have rather left her in, instead of letting John Lackey take the mound.

After the jump, I’ve got video of Lydon talking about the opportunity, but it’s obviously not nearly as good as the actual video of her introduction and family’s reaction, which you can view at MLB.com, since Bud Selig’s gestapo won’t let us no good bloggers have embedding privileges. Seriously, though, every team should do this every game. For the next 200,000 or so games. That would be pretty nice.

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ESPN the Magazine, or Highlights for sports fans as I like to call it, has finally released its highly-anticipated 9th-annual Ultimate Standings. If you’re unfamiliar, the Ultimate Standings are a guide to determining which sports franchises of the four major North American leagues (MLB, NFL, NBA and NHL) offer their fans the best experience, from cost to winning. Ultimately, it’s probably the most scientific method of telling us what we already know.

ESPN’s brain trust determined the standings with 8 categories:

Bang For The Buck (BNG): Wins during the past three years (regular season plus postseason) per revenues directly from fans, adjusted for league schedules.

Fan Relations (FRL): Openness and consideration toward fans by players, coaches and management.

Ownership (OWN): Honesty and loyalty to core players and local community.

Affordability (AFF): Price of tickets, parking and concessions.

Stadium Experience (STX): Quality of arena and game-day promotions as well as friendliness of environment.

Players (PLA): Effort on the field and likability off it.

Coaching (CCH): Strength of on-field leadership.

Title Track (TTR): Championships already won or expected in the lifetime of current fans.

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Vernon Wells is entering Season Four of a seven-year, $126-million contract, which is a hell of a lot of money. Some people would even suggest that it’s too much, and Vernon Wells would actually agree with you. The Blue Jays centerfielder said earlier this week that he tries to use that money to do good in the community.

“You get to go out and impact lives. The way I feel about it, I was blessed with that contract to go out and do things. Everybody would say I’m not worth the money and I would totally agree that I’m not worth that contract, but I don’t think there is anybody . . . but I know what I can do with that contract will far outdo what that contract’s worth.”

–Toronto Star, via Hardball Talk.

Whatever, Vernon. Just go out and spend it on whores like any other guy would. Whores…and a life-sized foosball table. And then when the whores wake up from the roofie nap, just scream OH MY GOD SOMEBODY SHRUNK US AND PUT US IN A FOOSBALL TABLE! It’s great fun until the police show up.

This video’s almost a month old and I have no idea what Toronto Blue Jays slugger Vernon Wells is talking about, let alone which one of the so-called Action Girls he’s sharing (whichever one she is, I’d bet you couldn’t slide a 50-dollar bill between her knees…maybe a hundred). But anyway, chick mentions something about a lawsuit, and Wells guesses that it’s probably fellow Blue Jay Aaron Hill, “because he’s a racist.” Uhhh…

I guess it’s a joke, but jokes are supposed to be…I don’t know…funny? Or at the very least, involve prostitutes and/or dead babies so that at least we know that you’re trying to be funny and just not getting there. But this? I don’t know what the hell this is. Vernon Wells hardly seems like the Malcolm X type. Maybe Malcolm Z, as in zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Enjoy other potentially racist acts after the jump: Read the rest of this entry »

No, that hed wasn’t a horrible pun, but we’ll have plenty of those later. Actually, the Toronto Blue Jays face a beer and liquor license suspension coincidentally after fan behavior took an unruly turn in the Jays’ opener yesterday against Detriot. Fans at the Rogers Centre littered the field with baseballs, paper planes, empty beer cups, and old copies of Jagged Little Pill. Okay, I made that last one up. Either way, there will be no hooch at tonight’s game, per order of the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario:

The panel cited five broken rules at baseball and football games and concerts dating to the Canadian Football League championship game in 2007. The stadium will also be dry on April 21 when Toronto plays Texas, and for a CFL game on Aug. 1.

Both affected baseball games fell on dates when the price of upper deck seats was cut to $4, a promotion called “Messin’ With Recession.” The ban covers everything from concessions, vendors and restaurants to the beer refrigerators in both locker rooms.

Signs posted Tuesday at stadium entrances listed five reasons for the license suspension: permitting drunkenness, permitting the use of narcotics, selling and serving to apparent minors, failure to request approved identification and permitting illegal liquor on the premises.

It’s hard to believe that the province of Ontario would force people to watch baseball sober. That just reeks of cruel and unusual punishment to me. Not that would expect any different from a cadre of pinko socialists. But the liquor ban taking effect right after a game like that, is that true irony? Or is that Alanis Morrisette irony, which really isn’t irony at all? And to think that Dave Coulier actually hit that…

|That One Sports News Emporium|