Kansas City’s Jeff Francoeur has a strong arm in right. Detroit’s Victor Martinez is not fast. Dude’s 34 years old, you know? He wasn’t fast a decade ago. But here he is being waved home, kicking up dirt behind the also-not-fast Prince Fielder, en route to a home plate collision. What’s a guy to do in a situation like this? Plow through the catcher and try to score? Try to jump him? Slide?

If you’re Victor Martinez, you do your best impression of Grandpa Simpson at La Maison Derrière and book it to the dugout. Compare and contrast the above video with the following GIF:

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Being a fan of a college football team that puts more stock in stupid things like “graduating student athletes” and “focusing on educations”, I rarely pay attention to recruiting classes. Hell, half the time I can’t even count high enough to find my team on ESPN’s annual recruiting rankings. But to a lot of other people, National Signing Day is like Christmas, except instead of presents under a tree, they’re getting 17- and 18-year old boys. It’s as creepy as it is exciting.

However, the one thing I love to look out for is the rare signing of freak athletes, who are either amazingly, incredibly gifted for their age or are well beyond the expectations of size and strength. I believe I have found my favorite athlete of the 2013 college football recruiting extravaganza in new University of Hawaii running back David Fangupo.

While the Kealakehe High School senior’s numbers weren’t very impressive – 75 carries for 534 yards and 6 TD – his physical numbers are what attract the most attention. He’s 6-2 and 350-pounds. A running back! Eat your heart out, adolescent Andy Reid.

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In a scene straight out of a wacky kids sports comedy, Montreal Canadiens goalie Carey Price took a warm-up shot to the junk and crumpled to the ice. I eagerly await the George C. Scott remake. (via OTBS)

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10 Of ‘Archer’s’ Most Visually Distinctive Homages To Movies |Warming Glow|

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Kobayashi Ate An Entire Domino’s Pizza In 60 Seconds Because YOLO |With Leather|

Funny, Sexy, And Awesome Cosplay Of The Week |Gamma Squad|

Three 2013 Music Festivals That Don’t Suck Like Coachella |Smoking Section|

LOLNFL: Super Bowl XLVII Stuff |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

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"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???" *quack*

Chances are you’ve probably already been buried by the news and Tweets that Chip Kelly is leaving the Oregon Ducks, despite previous claims that he would be staying with the program. Because I didn’t see any other reporters freaking out about this on Twitter, I believe that ESPN’s Chris Mortensen broke the news earlier this afternoon.

Chip Kelly is the new coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, according to league sources. No announcement yet.

— Chris Mortensen (@mortreport) January 16, 2013

Of course, the Philadelphia Eagles fans that I know well – those who have lived through so many years of anger and rage – are taking this hire with a grain of salt, because who the hell knows what to expect from college coaches who make the jump to the NFL anymore? Sure, Jim Harbaugh has done wonders with the San Francisco 49ers, but to that I simply retort, NICK SABAN NICK SABAN NICK SABAN.

But if Saban has taught us anything, it’s that Oregon fans shouldn’t be too shocked by this announcement. Coaches are dirty, rotten liars and the sooner that we accept this into our lives, the sooner we can all recover from their treacherous deceits. For the fun of it, though, I’d like to share how I imagine the typical Ducks fans’ day went down with some help from the delightful Ralph Wiggum.

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Test of strength!

I have a new favorite MMA fight: SPHL goalies Ross MacKinnon and Kiefer Smiley ending ‘Military Appreciation Night’ with a post-buzzer brawl to settle the score after the Pensacola Ice Flyers’ 4-3 victory over the Mississippi Surge.

It’s got everything. MacKinnon lands a stiff, snap left to start the fight and you think he’s going to steamroll this guy, but the punch just causes Smiley to HULK THE HELL UP and whomp the dog shit out of MacKinnon for the rest of the fight. It’s glorious. The fight is over before they reach the boards, but the refs let it go, and Ross learns an important lesson: never f**k with a guy with ‘smile’ in his name. He will END YOU.

And while we’re on the subject of names, I absolutely do not want to know where the ‘Mississippi Surge’ got their name, or what that is.

Video of this epic showdown is below, courtesy of our friends at Puck Daddy:

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If you’re a regular reader of our Sports On TV column, it’d be possible to mistake me as a guy with great taste in television. I like to throw the “best show ever” tag around for ‘The Wire’ or season 2-8 of ‘The Simpsons’, giving me that learned balance necessary to be a true, objective authority on what people should watch.

Yeah, no. When I was 7, my favorite show was ‘ALF’. If you’re not familiar with ‘ALF’, it’s about an alien who lands on Earth in puppet form, lives in the laundry room of a suburban family and cracks wise with them so much you start wondering why they don’t just throw him in a garbage bag and drop him off on the front steps of the FBI. Oh, and he wouldn’t stop trying to eat their housecat.

Anyway, ALF’s home planet was a place called Melmac, and Melmac had its share of unique sports, including ‘Bouillaball’. I’ll let the surprisingly-in-existence ALF Wiki fill you in on the details.

Bouillabaseball was a sport played on Melmac which resembled baseball, but instead of throwing a ball, fish parts were thrown.

Bouillabaseball fans often collected trading cards, which were sold in a package with a stick of gum. The gum came in one of two flavors: Tabby or Persian.

At the height of ALF’s popularity, Topps put out two (two!) sets of bouillabaseball cards. I HAD THEM ALL. Now, thanks to the Internet (and the aforementioned ALF Wiki), you can have them, too. They’re a mix of the Garbage Pail Kids and stock photos of ALF. I don’t know. Here’s a gallery of every bouillabaseball card I could find, and I urge you to flip through and try to find every inappropriate joke or image you can. I’m pretty sure at least one of these players is supposed to be ejaculating.

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