You might be asking yourself why I’m writing a blog post about former Olympic ice skater Nancy Kerrigan. “Why?” you might ask. “Why? Why?” Well, since you asked that many times, I’ll tell you. Nancy Kerrigan is every bit as important to 90s popular culture as Kurt Cobain or Nickelodeon Gak, so when she’s in a car accident it should be considered news. I mean, I guess it shouldn’t, but it’s pretty funny to think that Kerrigan is the protagonist in her own Final Destination and has been barely avoiding death for the last twenty years.

Via NBC Sports:

Kerrigan’s tire flew off of her Chevy Tahoe, and that tire nearly went through the windshield of a passing minivan. The driver of the other vehicle says she was bracing herself for the impact of that tire when Kerrigan’s vehicle hit the front of her minivan. Apparently Kerrigan’s tire had just been repaired before it flew off, forcing her car to swerve.

“We just had an accident. It’s a little shaken up…I’m glad everybody and the kids are okay. It’s scary…it’s a scary thing,” said Kerrigan.

Tonya Harding was supposed to be in that accident, but ended up sitting in a parked car in her driveway all day, crying about how her shoelaces won’t tie. In a less funny joke, Kerrigan was in the Wakefield Mass area to visit the trial of her brother Mark, who is facing manslaughter charges. I hope the court finds out he’s just Shawn Eckhardt in a fright wig.

It has been 16 years since Tonya Harding and her ex-husband Jeff Gillooly conspired to break Nancy Kerrigan’s leg during a practice at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, and things have never been better for Harding. People Magazine is “reporting” that Harding has a baby boy due any day now, which is super wonderful for the 40-year old, whose recent career highlights have included a 3-3 professional boxing career record and multiple incidents of domestic violence.

RAIN DOWN THE HELL FIRES OF THIS SPAWN OF EVIL, PEOPLE!

The former figure skater, 40, is expecting her first child with husband Joseph Price, her attorney confirms to PEOPLE.

“Tonya is pregnant and very happily married,” Linda Lewis tells PEOPLE. “She wants her privacy, but she is very happy.”

Aw, that’s sweet. It’s fitting that her attorney broke the news and not an agent or a manager. Look, I know this isn’t really the most important news in the world, but I find it remarkable that the media still pays attention to this woman. She hasn’t done anything of worth for the past five years, which means she should at least run for public office.

Meanwhile, in a follow-up with Rolling Stone magazine, Justin Bieber said, “In this case, I’d be totally cool with it.”

Iowa City police officers were conducting an investigation on 21-year old Brady Johnson near the University of Iowa this week when they uncovered quite the Hawkeyes football scandal. Police had already suspected Brady as a possible drug dealer, but they ended up arresting his roommate, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (no relation). DJK, as Iowa fans love to call him, is the all-time leading receiver in Hawkeye football history, and now he’s facing drug charges, too.

DJK admitted to police that he had been using marijuana and cocaine, as well as many prescription drugs that were seized, all of which was later confirmed by a drug test. He also admitted that he was aware that Brady may have been selling out of their home. I assume he didn’t know for sure because he was retardedly high.

So what can I get for $10, Press-Citizen?

Police said they found cocaine, small quantities of marijuana and Pamoate, Diazepam, Hydromorphone Hydrochloride and Zolpidem Tartrate pills in Johnson-Koulianos’ bedroom. Pamoate is one of the two formations of Hydroxyzine, an antihistamine used to treat mild anxiety, insomnia, motion-sickness, itching and allergies and is known as an effective sedative and tranquilizer. Diazepam is used to treat anxiety, insomnia and seizures. Hydromorphone Hydrochloride is a narcotic analgesic which Johnson-Koulianos allegedly told officers he takes to help with pain, according to police. Zolpidem Tartrate is used to treat insomnia.

Jesus, is this a drug arrest or a NOFX song?

DJK faces four counts of possession of a controlled substance, two counts of unlawful possession of prescription drugs and keeping a drug house, of which the latter sounds like a great idea for a Charlie Sheen movie.

Stick around for a collection of athlete mug shots after the jump…

Read the rest of this entry »

Tonya Harding is (a) still alive, (b) piggish, and (c) recently appeared on HBO’s Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel, which first aired on Tuesday. Even though she still makes public appearances as That One Chick Who Tried To Make Figure Skating A Contact Sport 15 Years Ago, she apparently is upset that people don’t remember those events with more fondness.

“How much responsibility do you think I need to take? I paid my debt to society, all right? I live an every day life trying to succeed in whatever I do trying to keep a roof over my head. How much punishment do you think I need to go through?”

Narration: “No, it wasn’t the way she wanted it but Tonya Harding did secure her place in sports history… in American culture actually and after fifteen years… for good or for bad… she’s even part of our vocabulary… ”

Obama at a campaign speech: “And when we were down 20 points in the summer, all the pundits and all the smart folks they were saying, ‘OK, his only chance now is he’s gotta knee-cap her. He’s gotta do a Tonya Harding on the front-runner.’

Wait, so it means to attack someone? I thought it just meant using your penis to club a girl with big teeth. Oh, man. I’m gonna lose credit for all the Tonya Hardinging I did in college. There’s a video after the jump, but it’s kinda scary.

[quote from Newsday's Watchdog, video from Geno's World]
Read the rest of this entry »

Some artsy weirdos made a musical about the 1994 saga of Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan — just as timely and necessary as the Rent movie! — and Tonya attended the opening.  Yawn.

While the catchy musical had mixed reviews, the show won big props from skating hellcat Tonya Harding on opening night…

“And you know what? She was wonderful,” said [author Elizabeth] Searle. “We saw the best side of her. She was generous and funny and focused her attention on the show. People in the audience said she was laughing, and then at the end, she led the standing ovation.”

I did a musical homage similar to this once.  I went to a performance of Cats and attacked the actors with a baton.  I'm sorry, but I had to find out if they'd say, "Ow ow ow oooohhh ah that hurts!" or if they'd stay in character and howl in pain like a cat.  My findings: need more data.  I've got tickets to next Sunday's matinee.

[Sports by Brooks]