Here’s a lesson to the people in charge of NASCAR: Don’t call something the “Roadside Assistance 500″ unless you’re ready for 500 people needing roadside assistance.

During the final lap of Sunday’s Good Sam Roadside Assistance 500 at the Talladega Superspeedway, Tony Stewart got caught up blocking to keep his lead, cut across Michael Waltrip and not only crashed everyone in the race, but everyone in the parking lot and like half the people on the freeway. Matt Kenseth managed to avoid the wreck (“The Big One”) and win the race. NASCAR spent an hour after the finish trying to sort the final order.

If you’re the type who doesn’t really like auto racing but loves crash videos, thank you for visiting our comedy sports blog. I’d like you to enjoy the clip in your own way, but to also keep in mind that Dale Earnhardt Jr. hates you and thinks you’re a Philistine.

“It’s not safe. It’s not. It’s bloodthirsty,” Dale Earnhardt Jr. said. “If that’s what people want, that’s ridiculous.”

“If this was what we did every week, I wouldn’t be doing it,” he said. “I’ll just put it to you that way. If this was how we raced every week, I’d find another job. That’s what the package is doing. It’s really not racing. It’s a little disappointing. It cost a lot of money right there.

“If this is how we’re going to continue to race and nothing is going to change, how about NASCAR builds the cars? It’ll save us a lot of money.”

Video of the crash is after the jump, jerk.

Additional analysis from 23rd-place finisher Clint Bowyer:

“That’s just Talladega. That’s why we all come out and watch.”

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Down by 3 points to Carl Edwards in the Sprint Cup Series standings, Tony Stewart won the Ford 400 – the final race of the Chase – yesterday to tie Edwards, marking the first time in NASCAR history that the season ended at a draw. Fortunately for Stewart, he had 5 wins on the season to Edwards’ 1, which means that Smoke is the 2011 Sprint Cup Champion. And that’s awesome for Stewart and his fans, especially how he won in dramatic fashion after sucking for a good chunk of the year, but nobody cares about that today.

The other, much more scandalous story out of the Homestead-Miami Speedway is that First Lady Michelle Obama and Vice President Joe Biden’s wife, Jill, hosted a barbecue for some military service members and their families before the race, and that’s awesome because I love anything that honors our soldiers and shows them some appreciation, whether it be some ribs and burgers at the racetrack or slow grinding against Mila Kunis.

So of course when Michelle and Jill – we’re cool like that – were introduced to the crowd before the race, they were booed. YOU GOT YER POLATICKS IN MAH VROOM VROOMS!

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In news that makes me feel considerably better about Dale Earnhardt Jr., Dale Earnhardt Jr. announced Wednesday morning that he would not have sexual relations with a woman (or, by proxy, a man) with Dale Earnhardt Jr.-themed tattoos. Apparently, this is a thing. The racing star was a guest of the Dan Patrick Show yesterday, and because Dan Patrick literally could not give a sh** about sports, they talked about this. I mean, they also talked about him losing the No. 8 when he left Dale Earnhardt Inc. for Hendrick Motorsports, but he said it “didn’t bother [him] too much” so this is the important part.

Earnhardt Jr.: “No! Heck no! I mean, I just couldn’t.”

Patrick: “What if somebody is so hot, but she’s got Jimmie Johnson’s number on her?”

Earnhardt Jr.: “Ugh! That’d be a deal-breaker, easy. I mean, Jimmie is my buddy and all, but still…”

Patrick: “What if she’s got your Dad on her back, and he’s got angels wings?”

Earnhardt Jr.: “Sure, that’d be fine.”

I wish the line of questioning had continued, with Patrick asking “okay, so what if the girl models for Hawaiian Tropic, but she’s got this tattoo of Tony Stewart where he has mumps or something so it makes him look like Bubba the Love Sponge” and so on until he got to the big one, “would you sleep with a girl who know who you were and was into NASCAR?” and Dale had to sorta sigh and meekly confess, “no, I’m rich a famous and can sleep with regular girls”.

[h/t to Jeff Gluck @ SBN]

Every major sport has its own unique fan culture. And with each fan culture comes its own attendant drug culture. NASCAR fans typically gravitate towards using meth, 'ludes, Oxycontin and drinking Turtle Wax. Marijuana is just one of them elitist coastal drugs, so it's no wonder Tony Stewart displays a palpable unease with its terminology.

At one point, NASCAR Scene reporter Bob Pockrass asked Newman a multiple question regarding the length of his contract, when he signed it and if he'd have a part ownership in Stewart Haas Racing.

Stewart, who revels in jousting with the media, jumped in:

"What kind of crack are you on? You must be smoking pot grass."

Leaving aside the fact that pot grass sounds like an ingredient in a soup, let's look at the first part of that quote: What kind of crack is the media on? Answer: The best kind! How else could they gleefully spout so much stupid shit? It's just so much fun when you're high. Otherwise the job would just eat away at you until you're a joyless husk of a fat person. Yup, the media is all about access. To the best drugs. 

It was a historic weekend in NASCAR, as Kurt Kyle Busch's win at Atlanta in a Toyota marked the first time that a foreign car company won a Cup race since Jaguar in 1954.  But the real story was Goodyear and its shitty tires that all but prevented side-by-side racing that the track in Atlanta (apparently) usually provides.  Top-ten finishers like Dale Earnhardt, Jr and Jeff Gordon were critical of the tires' performance, but Tony Stewart — as usual — was sure to put it in the most insulting, awkward manner on national television.

Even if you don't care about NASCAR — and let's face it, you probably don't — it's always nice to hear a guy wearing twenty-plus corporate logos on his firesuit disparage the company that makes his tires.  That's a man with a heady regard for synergy.

[on 205th] 

NASCAR driver of the Home Depot #20 car Tony Stewart had some harsh words for ESPN during a media session at Pocono Raceway yesterday:

"If every time we do an interview and you want to stand here and dig up dirt, you might as well go find somebody else because we'll wait until you leave before we do the rest of the interviews," Stewart said, responding to a question from reporter David Amber. "Every time we've got to deal with somebody from ESPN it's a sharp knife trying to dig for dirt," he said. "I'm not saying they're not fair questions. Do we always have to leave with a dagger in our back from ESPN? That's all I'm curious about."

Well, that settles it, NASCAR drivers are made of dirt.  And I thought they were composed of guts, black stuff, and about 50 Slim Jims.  Stewart is upset with the Worldwide Leader because he feels the network unfairly criticized his comments following his victory in Chicago on July 15th in which he stated he was going to drink a case of beer to celebrate.  Some uptight people are bound to get upset when you say things like that, such as my ex-girlfriend when I said I was going to celebrate my unemployment in the very same way.  And I feted myself with a case of Stroh's everyday.  Not only that, I was sticking it to the Man by refusing to let his prescribed notions of success hold me down.  But she still cried every night – I guess some people just don't understand social protest movements. -KD 

(For more on the complicated intricacies of NASCAR, see We Are The Postmen.)