Why, they have all attended the NBA Finals, of course! Originally, this post was titled, “Hey, Did Kelly Clarkson Get Hot Again?” but then I saw a story in the Dallas Voice about the Westboro Baptist protesting the NBA Finals in Dallas because the NBA had the nerve to fine Kobe Bryant and Joakim Noah for using “f*ggot” as an insult in two different games this season, and I wanted to point out that the WBC seriously sucks.

From the WBC’s batsh*t crazy ramblings press release:

WBC will picket the NBA game between the Dallas Mavericks and the Miami Heat to warn this nation that they need to tear down their idols and worship only the true God, Jesus Christ. The people of Doomed america set up these spoiled, rebellious basketball players and other celebrities as little gods that they emulate then curse the real God, Jesus Christ because He does not supprt their vile sins.

Of course I didn’t edit that for them, they’ll learn to spell when they get to the third grade. I’m mostly upset that their presence briefly took my attention away from the lack of star power at this year’s Finals. Granted Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne pack some major celeb cred, but ABC hasn’t even been filling the stands with the cast of Rookie Blue. The least they could do is put Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen courtside and maybe have them pudding wrestle Elisha Cuthbert. It’s called marketing, damn it.

Regardless, there have been a few famous faces in the crowd, so we should enjoy what we have.

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That bombshell to the right is Candice Crawford, fiancé of Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and sister of Gossip Girls star Chace Crawford. I’m mentioning her because we glossed over her engagement to Romo last month and I felt bad about that. Romo, of course, had previously been romantically linked to Carrie Underwood (unfairly married to Ottawa Senators centre Mike Fisher) and Jessica Simpson, who is engaged to former NFL tight end Eric Johnson, who I once started on a fantasy squad because Antonio Gates was on a bye. But there’s not excitement among the pretty people, so that can mean only one thing…

Tabloids are reporting that Khloe Kardashian and her husband and Los Angeles Lakers forward Lamar Odom are expecting a baby. But according to the Skittles-loving Lamar, there’s no baby on the way. So someone go ahead and put the chains back on the gates of hell for a few more weeks…

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As if things weren’t bad enough for the Dallas Cowboys, it seems that the organization once endearingly known as America’s Team just can’t get anything right. With franchise quarterback Tony Romo down for the season and owner Jerry Jones breaking his own rule about terminating his head coach in the middle of a season, the franchise completely disappeared from the face of the Earth. Or at least the World Wide Web.

It turns out that someone within the organization forgot to renew the team’s official domain, DallasCowboys.com, so for a good chunk of Sunday, not only was the team’s web site unavailable, but it was also available for purchase. Instead of the standard links to the schedule, roster, merchandise, etc., fans were greeted by a stock image. I like to think it looked like this.

Hey Dallas News, do we know for sure whose fault this is? I hope it’s someone noteworthy.

In the publicly available database on WhoIs.com, the domain’s registrant is listed as Dallas Cowboys Football Club Ltd., but the specific e-mail address administrative contact is for Jerry Jones Jr., son of owner Jerry Jones and executive vice president and chief sales and marketing officer for the team.

A message to that e-mail address and a phone call to Jones Jr. were not returned.

In fairness to the younger Jones, he was busy clearing out Wade Phillips’ mini fridges and purchasing a new parking sign for Head Coach Jason Garrett. Then he had to drive away from the facilities when he called to order another new parking sign for Head Coach Jon Gruden. He’s just a busy guy, that’s all.

Despite a valiant comeback attempt from Jon Kitna (yes, THE Jon Kitna), the Dallas Cowboys were unable to lock down their second win of the season, losing to the New York Giants, 41-35. After quarterback Tony Romo left the game in the second quarter, backup Kitna took over. Despite taking the ball away five times, the Cowboys gave up 497 yards of total offense to the Giants, who now lead the NFC East at 5-2.

Romo was diagnosed with a broken left (non-throwing) clavicle, which is just a fun word for the collarbone. Why say collarbone when you can say “clavicle?” But don’t expect Roy Williams to be able to tell the difference; he says Kitna is just as good as Romo, which, while shocking at first blush, is probably true.

Nearly lost in all of the Monday night madness was another ignorant “I call him the __!” ad lib from “analyst” Jon Gruden. Gruden’s latest quip: tabbing the speedy Giants receivers as “Jet Blue” in a first-half comment. “Like the airline,” he said. Thanks, Jon, because for a second I thought you were referring to Jitt Bleu, the Canadian autoerotic asphyxiation playset.

Yeah, yeah, we still have two games tonight, but we’re on a schedule and if I don’t get this up now, some of you will actually start working, and we can’t have that.

• Redskins 13, Cowboys 7. Tony Romo led a masterful drive at the end of this game that would have given the Cowboys the win, but a hold called on Cowboys tackle Alex Barron nullified Romo’s touchdown pass to Roy Williams. Penalty accepted. Game over. It’s funny, because usually the only thing needed to nullify Roy Williams is Roy Williams. And the gold pants were…something.
• Packers 27, Eagles 20. Michael Vick got the call after Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb was knocked out of the game with a concussion. Vick amassed 278 yards of total offense and a TD pass, good enough for some media members in Philly to wonder if it’ll soon be back to the rape stand for Kolb. Andy Reid said no, and then clapped humorously while balancing a beach ball on his nose.
• Texans 34, Colts 24. Your grandfather just ordered an ARIAN NATION T-shirt that’s already a size to small (and it’ll shrink even more in the wash!) Texans running back Arian Foster ran for 231 yards and 3 TDs. And then he probably went home and took a nap, because that sounds like a lot of work. So if you were playing against Arian Foster in fantasy this week, sorry bro.
• Steelers 15, Falcons 9 (OT). Steelers running back Rashard Mendenhall ran for 120 yards and a TD, much of which came on his game-winning 50-yard run in the extra frame. And you (yes you!) can still lose the coin toss in OT and win the game if your defense just gets a GD stop already.
• Seahawks 31, Niners 6. Pete Carroll is 1-0 in his return as an NFL head coach. Matt Hasselbeck threw for two touchdown passes, one of which he was asked to return to the NCAA.
• Titans 38, Raiders 13. Another big day for Chris Johnson: 142 rushing yards, 2 TDs.

Here are the rest. If your team didn’t make the list, kindly ask them to do something more impressive next week. Hey, we’re running a business here. We can’t just give love out to everyone.

Look, I know all about “technical difficulties,” and so I can sympathize with a kid that’s stuck in front of a camera while the control room tries to get its business sorted out. But that doesn’t mean it’s not hilarious. Here’s a student doing his best to give a sports report for Eastern Illinois sports, Romo’s alma mater, while trying to have one of those phone interviews that always seem to be awkward anyway. It’s six minutes of enjoyable confusion, which is nice, because usually to get that I have to take my clothes off. Read the rest of this entry »