When Tom Brady dumped his girlfriend, actress Bridget Moynahan, while she was pregnant a few years ago, I couldn’t believe what a dick he was. But then he started dating super duper model Gisele Bündchen, and I was like, “Yeah that makes sense now” because if being arguably the best quarterback in the history of the NFL isn’t enough, Brady can soon lay claim to being married to the world’s first billionaire model.

At least that’s what pace Gisele is on now that she has released her own lingerie line for the Brazilian company Hope. Think about that the next time you brag that your wife showed her boobs for free drinks at Chili’s.

After the 40-piece collection hit stores across Brazil the fashion retailer Hope reported a 40 per cent increase in turnover.

Now, the range is expected to be a hit with shoppers worldwide.

And with her products endorsements and business ventures earning a total of £29 million last year, Bündchen is now believed to be on track to becoming the world’s first billionaire supermodel. (Via The Daily Mail)

I’m just going to lay this out there for people to debate – Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen > Jay-Z and Beyoncé > David Beckham and Sporty Baby Scary Ginger Posh Victoria Beckham. I don’t even really think it’s debatable. Find me a bigger power couple than a franchise QB with 3 (possibly 4+) Super Bowl rings and a 31-year old billionaire supermodel wife whose abs could crack a diamond.

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And when all else fails, just reference Star Wars, whether it fits your product or not.

How is it that Next Media Animation, the same news team who turned Ndamukong Suh into a zombie and showed Jerry Jones murder a child with fire breath, can so succinctly get to the heart of Super Bowl ads and why we’re all sheepish pieces of sh*t for enjoying them? They’ve got Volkswagen’s number with the Star Wars quote, and I’m pretty sure every GoDaddy.com writers’ meeting begins with a naked dancing lady with XXX across her chest. If Dennis Haysbert ever kills a guy with an insurance check and makes out with his widow they’ll be straight-up prophets.

It’s also pretty sad that Taiwanese animation, with all its hyperbolic imagery and blunt, warped English, could be less intellectually offensive than actual Super Bowl ads. Not necessarily the Bud Frogs or Betty White (who Taiwan makes look more like Martha Plimpton than Betty White) getting footballed for Snickers, but have you seen Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels bodypainting a model and getting all hot and bothered over Dot Co domain names? If you go to GoDaddy.com you can see more! On GoDaddy.com they show boobies, and the women make out and Danica Patrick gets f**ked with a fitness roller, I’m assuming!

Via Warming Glow:

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And here I thought The Venture Bros. was the only show that did David Bowie jokes.

Last night’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon featured Tebowie, advertised as “for the first time … Tim Tebow and David Bowie together as one” (unless you count Tim Machine and Tim Machine II). Fallon launched into a parody of Bowie’s “Space Oddity”, replacing Ground Control with Jesus Christ and one hundred-thousand miles with 316 yards. It’s not laugh out loud funny but it is clever, which you can’t say for every Tebow anthem (a fact you’ll learn more about that in today’s Friday Face-Off).

I hope the Broncos find a way to beat the Patriots just so the incessant coverage of Tebow can continue, because he’s such a great role model to Young Americans. What am I saying? Denver will Never Let Me Down.

Complete song lyrics are included after the jump.

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Elite-to-Joe-Flacco quarterback Joe Flacco spent his Wednesday afternoon feeling a little insecure, chatting with the media about how they love quarterbacks, but don’t seem to ever spread the love to Baltimore. “Baltimore has a quarterback”, he wonders aloud. The guy from the Baltimore Sun starts doodling in his notepad, then rolls his eyes when he remembers he should probably be writing this down.

“If you look at the teams that won, yeah you can look at the quarterbacks but that’s just because you guys, ESPN, everybody wants to pump them up as being the best quarterback that year. It’s really going to come down to what team is the best,” Flacco said. “I’m sure if we win, I’ll have nothing to do with why we won according to you guys.”

As MJD of Shutdown Corner points out, people don’t think Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback leading his team into war because he isn’t one, he’s Joe f**king Flacco. He’s fine, but he’s Joe Flacco.

The Ravens aren’t built like the Patriots or the Packers. They don’t succeed or fail based on whether or not they throw the ball seventy times a game, and here are their options: give the ball to Ray Rice, or give the ball to Joe Flacco. JOE FLACCO. Which would you do? Joe Flacco knows:

“You guys want everybody to be Aaron Rodgers and be Tom Brady, but you guys do realize, those guys’ [teams] don’t run the ball? If we try to do that, the criticism that we’d take around here would be ridiculous.”

I think he would behoove Joe Flacco to realize he’s the sort of guy you have to identify as “Joe Flacco” every time, because calling him “Joe” or “Flacco” doesn’t seem right. He’s doing well, and should try really hard not to be that girl in art class who draws a horse for every project and gets pissed when the kids with actual brains and hands for art get praised. Draw your horse, win your playoff games, and be okay being Joe Flacco. Because Joe Flacco is what the Ravens need.

Joe Flacco.

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Links

This Week Tom Brady Will Prove That He’s A Horrible Person - Brady should respond to the media’s treatment of Drew Brees by wearing a Saints jersey and throwing every time he touches the ball, whether they’re up by 200 or not. [Smoking Section]

The First Ever KSK Fantasy Football Awards - The award for Worst Fantasy Football Player In History goes to me for my piss-rank performance in our Draftstreet promotions this season. Man, and to think I once won a Yahoo league without ever updating it. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

Video: Robert Griffin III’s Incredible TD Run - I watched this from the ellipticals at the gym LIKE A BOSS. Then I realized if I was a boss, I’d just be using the treadmills. Also, I wouldn’t be holding my iPod when I ran. [Yardbarker]

2011: The Year of the UFC Title Curse - It just goes to show you, true MMA success isn’t in winning championships, it’s in entertaining EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU! (that is MMA, right) [Cage Potato]

Don Cherry’s Piano Desk - So is Don Cherry trying to look like Tyler Perry’s Mr. Brown, or is that just a coincidence? [Buzzfeed]

Prisoner Says Jamie Foxx Is A Skank Robbers Robber - “Madea gets kidnapped by a white guy and must sincerely plead for her life” is the most amazing, psychotic idea for a movie ever. Prisons would be even better if they were underground. [Film Drunk]

5 Reasons Firefly Was Lucky To Get Canceled - Just think of it like a British show. Or like ‘Cowboy Bebop’, which was much better and basically the same thing. [Gamma Squad]

These Kids Are Terrible - Watching kids be unable to get through the Legends Of The Hidden Temple temple without collapsing and sh*tting themselves is stressful. I used to love how hard the Hidden Temple questions were. GEORGE WASHINGTON WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. WHO WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, GEORGE WASHINGTON OR HAM SANDWICH and the kids would just STAND THERE. [Warming Glow]

Zooey Deschanel And Joseph Gordon-Levitt Would Like To Hear About Your New Years Eve Plans - Masturbating to Zooey Deschanel, and probably Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Just kidding, nobody likes Zooey Deschanel anymore! [UPROXX]

5 Beauty Lessons We Learned This Year From Amanda Seyfried - I hope “get your boobs out, go wrist-deep on Julianne Moore” is on the list. [Glamour Beauty]

When this season’s awards are eventually given out, Aaron Rodgers is going to be the NFL’s Most Valuable Player. There will be compelling cases for his QB peers Tom Brady and Drew Brees, who will probably break Dan Marino’s passing record tonight. And many sports writers will cry foul that Ray Rice, who has been virtually silent about his contract situation with the Baltimore Ravens in the classiest way possible, deserves it for carrying the Baltimore Ravens to the playoffs. But having had more sleep in the past few days than I get in most months, my brain is firing off insane ideas today, including the argument that San Francisco 49ers kicker David Akers deserves to be NFL MVP. You read that right.

Trust me, I know how absurd this is and I deserve everyone calling me insane and throwing lit cigarettes at me, because in no universe should a kicker mean more to his team than a QB, RB or All-Pro linebacker. But the 49ers have had such an incredible season, seeing as most morons – *points to self* – figured this would be a cake walk year in the NFC West for the St. Louis Rams, who ended up being a bigger disappointment than Sucker Punch. Before you start lining up to give me atomic wedgies, though, let’s at least look at the numbers.

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