“The New England Patriots are like AIDS, rape, cartoons I remember and also the latest tragedy. Laugh, everybody!”
TLDR version: Don’t let Dane Cook do anything ever.
Slightly longer version: Dane Cook is the karate of comedy. A lot of people hate him. At the same time, a lot of people love him 8 years ago. No matter what side you’re on, he’s a person of note, and is occasionally called upon to sign autographs. Sometimes a fan has a glossy 8×10 ready to go, but sometimes they don’t, and need him to sign their arm or their boob or their New England Patriots Tom Brady #12 football jersey.
Here is the story of what happens to that Dane Cook Tom Brady jersey. Via @MCEsoteric:
If you needed a reason to hate the Baltimore Ravens, here is a group of their fans becoming an accessory to a goddamn Carly Rae Jepsen ‘Call Me Maybe’ cover in 2013. 2013. They went with ‘Bring On Brady’ as their hook, too, which apes the “Brady sounds like maybe, let’s do a Call Me Maybe parody about him” joke somebody made eight months ago.
Was the decision-making process just flipping a coin? Heads, we do ‘Call Me Maybe.’ Tails, we do ‘Gangnam Style.’ Come on, you guys have so much to work with. I wrote like 80% of a Ray Lewis ‘Murder Was The Case’ parody in my head while anger-typing this. It’s not that hard.
Bonus points for the guy in the background being weirdly possessive and flattering himself at the same time, though:
I’m usually not a big fan of the Bad Lip-Reading gag, but their take on the NFL is pretty funny. Highlights include Tom Brady being white, Matt Schaub’s pregnant cat and Peyton Manning’s speed potions. Good stuff. (via BlackSportsOnline)
In one of the better “Boys will be boys” stories of this early sports year, New York Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony reportedly took offense to something that Boston Celtics forward Kevin Garnett said to him during Boston’s 102-96 victory on Monday night. According to various websites, Garnett supposedly told Anthony that his wife and decision-maker, La La Vasquez-Anthony, “tasted like Honey Nut Cheerios”. Honestly, I don’t really know how that’s an insult, because it mostly just reminds me of Patrice O’Neal’s birthday cake joke (watch “Elephant in the Room” if you’re unfamiliar).
Now, if I had to guess, Garnett has never had sex with Anthony’s wife. Maybe he has, and therefore is qualified to make such a statement, but this is probably just an example of what the kids call “trash talk”. However, some people believe that this sort of trash talk crosses a line, including Anthony, who waited for Garnett by the Celtics team bus so they could settle this like men. After all, you can take the millionaire professional athlete out of Brooklyn, but you can’t take the Brooklyn out of the corporate product spokesperson.
New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and his wife, eventual billionaire model Gisele Bundchen, just welcomed their second child (Brady’s third) into the world. Joining the two boys that Brady has already fathered is a daughter named Vivian Lake Brady, which is considerably better than Katniss Vanellope. But I’m not here to make child birth announcements for millionaires. I’m here to ask the hard-hitting questions and make people think. That said…
When is Brady going to meet with Jay Cutler about raising their kids to eventually date and get married so they can eventually breed an army of quarterbacks that feature Brady’s strong talents and Cutler’s lack of concern for anything and anyone?
After a brief hiatus, the Sports On TV column returns with one of the most requested shows ever: Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s 16-season strong cultural landmark, ‘South Park’.
‘South Park’ has been around since 1997, and has changed along with the times. When it started, Parker and Stone were getting $1,200 to make video Christmas cards for Fox executives. In 2012, they are influential, Tony Award-winning, multi-millionaire media moguls. One thing hasn’t changed: in season one, Kenny was getting ripped apart by football players. In season 16, Tom Brady is guzzling a Gatorade bottle of a child’s semen. Sports are one of the weirdest, stupidest, most ritualistic and overly-glorififed things human beings can do, and ‘South Park’ has been in tune with that since the very beginning.
So, in the Interest of easing us back into regular Thursday columns, here are my choices for the 20 greatest South Park sports moments. Like a lot of the shows we do, there are a ton of moments we had to leave out, so a part 2 will probably happen. If we left out your favorite moment, or you have something to say about a moment we chose, be sure to drop down into our comments section and let us know.
As an added bonus, participating in the discussion and sharing the column on Twitter or Facebook (courtesy of one of those handy buttons at the bottom of the post) will net you the BAT DAD BADGE. You don’t want the Bat Dad Badge? I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA.