Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover model and 2011 With Leather Celebrity Sports Fan of the Year Kate Upton spent 10 days on a cruise from Argentina to Antarctica for a top secret photo shoot for next year’s iconic bathing suit issue, and it’s so on the hush-hush that TMZ found about it and posted a bunch of pictures. Of course, the world’s leading experts in online journalism also took us to class on how you write an opening sentence.

Kate Upton and Lindsay Lohan have something in common … because Kate’s assets were FROZEN recently — when the curvaceous 20-year-old model stripped down to her skivvies for an Antarctica photo shoot … where the temperature hit 35 BELOW!!!

Boom, bagging on Lohan and celebrating Upton’s bags in the same sentence is writing we can get behind. But also mentioned is the fact that Oreo, in celebrating its 100th birthday, teamed up with SI to send a giant cookie mascot to Antarctica to freeze his ass off with Upton in the absurdly cold weather. And the strangest thing is that I wrote in my diary that if and when I’m finally taken from this Earth, I want to be dressed as an Oreo cookie while hugging Upton. Eerie.

Naturally, because Upton is such a strangely controversial figure, some sites that I won’t bother linking to are already branding the 20-year old with a Scarlet F for Fatty because she’s just such a moo cow that clearly disgusts so many men and women alike. But I’ll let TMZ go ahead and take us home with the most TMZ closing line possible…

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As a grown adult male who has never been able to grow sufficient facial hair, I don’t typically handle news involving mustaches and beards very well, but if that news creates the opportunity to rank celebrity mustaches and/or beards then I can live with it. In this case, Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers appeared on Jim Rome’s new show on Showtime Wednesday night and Romey asked the hard-hitting questions as usual.

Asked Rome, as his assistant cleared a spot on his mantle for a Pulitzer:

“You have long been a practitioner of the mustache. In the spirit of Movember, who are the greatest ‘staches in history? Which gentlemen belong on Mount ‘Stachemore?”

Of course I’m kidding with my jabs at Rome, because this kind of question is right up my alley, perhaps behind similar queries like “Have you ever tried to get two girls pregnant in the same threesome?” to Antonio Cromartie or “A-cup, D-cup or a nice palm full?” to Jay Cutler. So who did Rodgers name as his facial hair inspirations? Dude, it’s right there in the headline. Geez.

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For all the times that we’ve talked about how likable Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers seems, this sure hasn’t been his best week. It started off playfully enough, with Rodgers and Nathan Morris of Boyz II Men making a bet that if the Packers lost to the San Francisco 49ers last weekend, Rodgers would have to wear an Alex Smith jersey. The Packers, of course, lost and a man even wrote erotic fan fiction as a result to hold up his end of a bet that he made.

So Rodgers wore the Smith jersey then, right? Wrong.

But earlier today, Rodgers addressed the media — and when he was asked about the wager, he sounded like a man trying to get out of donning his rival’s jersey. “There’s nothing to that,” Rodgers said … adding, “That got blown way out of proportion.” Still, Rodgers DID acknowledge a bet was made … saying, “It was at best a joke between friends, and, unfortunately, the great reporting of TMZ blew another one.” (Via TMZ)

Wow, Rodgers just took the masters of random CAPS LOCK and ellipses to the wood shed. Hopefully they have a killer response.

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Dramatic Reenactment.

While new Los Angeles Lakers center Dwight Howard waits for the doorways and halls to be raised in his new home in HELL Newport Beach, he’s currently staying at a posh hotel in Beverly Hills. That, of course, has made him readily accessible for TMZ and the other Los Angeles paparazzi, and Howard is fine with that because he shamelessly wants to be loved and will slap on the smile and charm at the first flash of a bulb.

Early Monday morning, residents in some areas of L.A. experienced a mild earthquake that registered 3.3 on the see you at the party Richter scale. TMZ caught up with Howard yesterday to ask him about his first earthquake since being traded to the Lakers, and, well, we’re lucky to still have him with us.

“I was in the toilet … and It shook me off the toilet,” Dwight told us.

For the record, 3.2 is WEAK SAUCE … the Northridge quake that hit back in 1994 was a 6.7 and lasted almost 20 seconds. The Sylmar quake in ’71 was a 6.6.

You hear that, world? WEAK SAUCE. That’s a SCIEN … TIFIC term… bro. The TMZ guy with a camera also asked if the earthquake made Howard reconsider his trade to L.A. and he reaffirmed his love for saying he loves L.A. in front of cameras.

But a fall from a toilet could be pretty serious for a guy who recently had back surgery that kept him from flying to Orlando for his kids camp and may cause him to miss the start of the NBA season, so he should probably see a doctor to make sure it’s okay for him to fly to China again.

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Not her, the other one.

If you’ve been upset at how infrequent our coverage of Kris Humphries’ gross sex life had become following his tryst with the Star Mitzvah version of Kim Kardashian, never fear … TMZ.com is here with a report about a lady who claims Humphries had sex with her without a condom and gave her herpes.

Now I’m sure your brain is going KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES KIM KARDASHIAN HERPES, but please, hold all Twitter and Celebrity Roast jokes until the end of the blockquote.

Kayla Goldberg claims she met Kris in August, 2010 at the Newsroom Cafe on Robertson Blvd. in L.A. They flirted, exchanged numbers, and she claims that night they met up at Trousdale nightclub on the Sunset Strip.

According to the suit, Kris came on to Kayla, touching, kissing and dancing with her. Kayla claims he took her to his hotel and they had sex multiple times … including oral sex. The suit claims during a portion of the sexual encounter Kris did not wear a condom.

The lawsuit claims Kris did not inform Kayla he had herpes — and she claims in the suit that he did indeed have the disease.

Kayla says a week later she was diagnosed with herpes. Her symptoms included a sore throat, fever, body aches and immobilizing pain, as well as extreme vaginal irritation and painful legions on her genitalia.

You’ve got to wonder how many vaginal-desecration lawsuits and unwanted pregnancy scares Kris has to have before he just makes a trip to Walgreens like a regular person.

Of course, much in the same way that we shouldn’t automatically assume this is false, we shouldn’t automatically assume this is true. 2012 Kris Humprhies is probably the easiest celebrity ever to hit with a lawsuit, and anyone could say “HE STOOD NEAR ME AND GAVE ME A RASH” with about a 50% chance of it really being his fault. We’ll continue to wish Kris the best in his future endeavors, hope that he’ll drop the 15 bucks on a pack of condoms and try harder to sleep with women who don’t have a video camera, tape recorder and bag of cotton swabs beside the bed.

[TMZ-ese translated into actual English by Larry Brown Sports]

"LOL, I'm out."

In a story that belongs right alongside “Fabio Hit In Face By Bird While Riding Rollercoaster Test-Run In Virginia”, the sports news stars have aligned for maximum celebrity ridiculousness for “Laverne From ‘Laverne & Shirley’ Scammed Out Of 5,000 Dollars By A Guy Pretending To Be Lamar Odom’s Assistant”. Yes, this actually happened. No, the assistant wasn’t just Squiggy in a wig.

From TMZ, who probably did a full Kevin McAllister fist-pump when this broke:

Sources tell TMZ the double-cross started at a Lakers game last month … when a man claiming to be LO’s assistant gave Penny a phone number he said was Lamar’s. We’re told Penny and the person she thought was Lamar texted back and forth for several days — when finally “Lamar” asked her to loan his assistant a chunk o’ cash. Ever the faithful Lakers fan, Penny forked over more than five grand to the faux “assistant.”

The “assistant” and “Lamar” both stopped responding to Penny soon after. Concerned, according to TMZ, Marshall went to the LAPD, who have since opened up a grand theft investigation.

This story is so great and unbelievable (Penny Marshall hasn’t been in Hollywood long enough to know you don’t randomly wire $5,000 to a stranger?) that I’m gonna say it’s total horsesh*t, and that TMZ put together a story with the perfect storm of people who don’t have the Internet (Penny Marshall) and people so desperate to be on the Internet they’ll roll with anything (Lamar Odom, et al.) that it could be 100% untrue and nobody’d be around to call them on it. They should follow it up with a story about how Courtney Stodden repelled into Laverne’s mansion and stole the cursive L’s from her sweaters. ONTD would be reporting that sh*t as fact in 15 minutes.

My other option is to believe this is true, and Lamar Odom desperately needs money so he texted all the famous Los Angeles sports fans he knew to beg them for money … but he didn’t want to seem pathetic asking himself, so he pretended to be his own assistant. So Penny Marshall finally agrees to send him cash, but wakes up one morning going HEYYYY LAMAR ODOM DOESN’T HAVE AN ASSISTANT ARGLE BARGLE and cancels the check. And poor Lamar is just left there swaying to and fro forlornly in his Sex Swing.

Yeah, that’s the ticket.