"I'm going to Legoland!"

In case you missed it on Saturday, we had a few friends over for the UFC 145 Pay-Per-View, including UFC.com writer, blogger and fighter “Danny Boy” Downes and FilmDrunk daddy and MMA aficionado Vince “Spicy Meat-a-ball” Mancini. Of course we thank them for their time and contributions, as well as you commenters for making that one of the more enjoyable UFC pay-per-views in recent memory, so you can expect that we’ll be doing this – or something similar – again. As for the fights, here are the official results that caused so many of you to shake your meat hooks in rage:

Marcus Brimage d. Maximo Blanco – Split decision (28-29, 29-28, 30-27)
Chris Clements d. Keith Wisniewski – Split decision (28-29, 29-28, 30-27)
Mac Danzig d. Efrain Escudero – Unanimous decision (30-27, 29-28, 30-27)
Anthony Njokuani d. John Makdessi – Unanimous decision (30-27, 30-27, 30-27)
Matt Brown d. Stephen Thompson – Unanimous decision (30-27, 29-28, 30-27)
Travis Browne d. Chad Griggs – Submission
Eddie Yagin d. Mark Hominick – Split decision (29-28, 28-29, 29-28)
Michael McDonald d. Miguel Torres – KO (punches)
Ben Rothwell d. Brendan Schab – KO
Rory MacDonald d. Che Mills – TKO
Jon Jones d. Rashad Evans – Unanimous decision (49-46, 49-46, 50-45)

Of course, I was more pleased that Vince brought up Cecil Peoples – one of the most notoriously criticized officials in MMA history – and someone mentioned the Cecil Peoples action figure, because I had all but forgotten about a series of fake UFC toys created by a Sherdog forum user named Masato a few years ago.

They’re always worth sharing because the Steven Seagal action figure with its guitar/assault rifle should be real, dammit.

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Before today, my only knowledge of shootfighting came from when Buddy Hinton picked on Cindy Brady for lisping and Peter goes into training to kick his ass.

Thankfully, lookoutawhale and Chaplin’s House have boiled down the history of Ultimate Fighting Championship to a ‘Brady Bunch’ parody theme with animated cartoon graphics and I’m finally able to provide the analytical MMA insight you expect from a mainstream sports blog. Brock Lesnar’s going to try to reason with that bully Alistair Overeem but it won’t work, so Brock’ll punch a lisp into him and send him back to WWE, right? And then Brock will sit on the cage wall and yell “BABY TALK BABY TALK IT’S A WONDER YOU CAN TALK”.

Wait, that’s still not right, is it? Ugh, fake fighting is so much easier to understand.

[via CagePotato]

I spent my weekend in the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex (or whatever it’s called) enjoying a Cleveland Indians victory over the Texas Rangers (the only one we managed to get) and taking in a Double-A game at Dr. Pepper Ballpark between the Frisco Roughriders and the San Antonio Missions. I spent four hours of Sunday night driving from Frisco to Austin in the dark and am running on about three unsuccessful hours of sleep, so if today is nothing but links and typos, I apologize.

Sports

Nate Robinson Wants to Play NFL Football - Maybe he can get his own Disney-made movie, like Invincible. Also, not going to lie, whenever I see “Nate Robinson” I think it’s Peter Parker’s black friend from the Daily Bugle. [Smoking Section]

Dana White Issues First Ever “Thank You For Getting Those Trunks Off TV As Soon As Possible” Bonus - I didn’t think they were so bad. Then again, I watch pro wrestling, the only place you get a bonus for wearing weird crotch-grabbing sh**. [Cage Potato]

Destroying Something Beautiful: The Disappointing Comerica Park Field Stormer - Will never understand people who run onto the field, especially the ones who run out there and don’t do anything. If you’re gonna run onto the field, buy a wedding dress or prepare to get tazed or SOMETHING. [Josh's Website]

Even Peter King’s Typos Are Lofty - Yes, “lofty” is a good word to describe Peter King. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]

With Leather

The Incredible History of The Muppets, Sesame Street, and Our Favorite Athletes - In a better world, this would be our most popular feature of all time. When you’re done with this, go read the Top 50 Muppets list we did at Progressive Boink. [With Leather]

Melina Splits: WWE Cleaning House - I wanted to do a Best and Worst of TNA Hardcore Justice for today, but there’s no way I’m spending three hours on Rob Van Dam this morning. Instead, go read about how sad we are all for Chris Masters. [With Leather]

The CrossFit Games - We’re still getting tons of traffic on this, and with good reason – CrossFit is crazy and Matt Ufford is great. I wish he had a website! [With Leather]

The Dugout: A-Rod’s Violent Gambling Parties - boy I swurr, et al. [The Dugout]

Not Sports

Interview with G4TV’s Jessica Chobot - I’m never going to find a G4 girl to like as much as I liked Morgan Webb, am I? I like Jessica Chobot because she looks like the domestic version of the girl from Ginger Snaps, but dislike her because of all the terrible Geek Minstrel stuff magazines do with girls who have heard of video games. [Adult Swim]

The Louis C.K./Dane Cook Scene - Just unbelievable television. “Louie” (both with and without the quotes) will make even your favorite TV shows seem phony and terrible. [Warming Glow]

Hitchcock’s First Film Found in New Zealand - I bet it’s good, too. You could give 11-year old Alfred Hitchcock a f**king Viewmaster and a five dollar bill and he’d come up with something better than anything released this summer. [Moviefone]

Meme Watch: Obama’s Hip Hop BBQ - Middle America can finally enjoy all that horrid racism we expected when we elected a black President. Obama needs to do a press conference about how the federal economy GON GET GOT. [UPROXX]

UPDATE: Nice slideshow at the end of this. Enjoy.

Here’s Jenna Jameson in what might be the saddest family photo ever. Jameson reportedly has been in “a monogamous relationship” with mixed martial artist Tito Ortiz since 2006. And then I guess the 36-year-old wondered about what her kids might think of her “acting career,” and so earlier this week, she announced that she was getting out of the adult film biz.

When asked how she would explain her former job to her kids, Jesse and Journey, she said, “I really don’t think I need to say, ‘Mommy was a porn star.”

She went on to say, “I feel like they’re going to know me and think, ‘Mommy loved us so much that she quite everything and made us her job.’ And that’s what I did. The moment I decided to have children, I quit. I won’t even do a Maxim cover.”

–Ear Sucker.

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I had a dream a few nights ago that I was riding around with ESPN’s Colin Cowherd on Segways. Every few blocks we’d see a homeless person on the sidewalk and Colin and I would do something cruel to the guy, like pretend to run off with his shoes or scald him with hot coffee. And then we’d high-five and segway around until we found some more coffee. We did this for like an hour and then this cop pulled us over. It was a lady cop, and maybe that’s not the proper jargon, but just bear with me.

So she’s wagging her nightstick at us, saying condescending cop stuff like “You boys better be careful,” and that’s when one of the homeless people transformed into a rhinoceros and trampled her. And then the rhinoceros looked at us and we looked at it. And then the rhino asked us for change.

All I had was credit cards.

I guess the moral of the story is that the homeless aren’t really people, but they’re actually rhinoceroses in disguise, just waiting for the right moment to trample somebody. Think about that the next time you see one of them peeing at a bus stop. Thanks, Gimp

Tito Ortiz will participate in this next weekend's UFC 84, likely his last fight ever for UFC.  These days Ortiz is known more for dating the remains of Jenna Jameson (seen here) than he is for his accomplishments inside the ring, but he's stated that an apology from UFC President Dana White could make him come back to mixed martial arts' premier organization.  Ortiz:

"If [White] learns to shut his mouth and learns to respect me there is a possibility [I would return]. [He needs to] give a public apology for the things that he has done… I want to go with a company that is going to respect me and see me as the champion I am and the ambassador that I am of the sport and not really downplay me or disrespect me on television or anything else."

Yesterday White, obviously cowed, offered this sincere apology:

"Tito is a fucking idiot," White said. "He's one of the dumbest human beings I've ever met. Everything that comes out of his mouth makes no sense." [...]

"I put up with his shit when he was a good fighter," White said. "He's not anymore… I have no interest whatsoever in being in the Tito Ortiz business. … I've never wanted to see anyone get their ass kicked worse than I want to see Tito get his kicked next Saturday night."

Awww that's sweet.  Reminds me of how my parents tell me they love me.  This zipper scar on the side of my head lets me know they care.