I had a dream a few nights ago that I was riding around with ESPN’s Colin Cowherd on Segways. Every few blocks we’d see a homeless person on the sidewalk and Colin and I would do something cruel to the guy, like pretend to run off with his shoes or scald him with hot coffee. And then we’d high-five and segway around until we found some more coffee. We did this for like an hour and then this cop pulled us over. It was a lady cop, and maybe that’s not the proper jargon, but just bear with me.

So she’s wagging her nightstick at us, saying condescending cop stuff like “You boys better be careful,” and that’s when one of the homeless people transformed into a rhinoceros and trampled her. And then the rhinoceros looked at us and we looked at it. And then the rhino asked us for change.

All I had was credit cards.

I guess the moral of the story is that the homeless aren’t really people, but they’re actually rhinoceroses in disguise, just waiting for the right moment to trample somebody. Think about that the next time you see one of them peeing at a bus stop. Thanks, Gimp

Tito Ortiz will participate in this next weekend's UFC 84, likely his last fight ever for UFC.  These days Ortiz is known more for dating the remains of Jenna Jameson (seen here) than he is for his accomplishments inside the ring, but he's stated that an seen here) than he is for his accomplishments inside the ring, but he's stated that an apology from UFC President Dana White could make him come back to mixed martial arts' premier organization.  Ortiz:

"If [White] learns to shut his mouth and learns to respect me there is a possibility [I would return]. [He needs to] give a public apology for the things that he has done… I want to go with a company that is going to respect me and see me as the champion I am and the ambassador that I am of the sport and not really downplay me or disrespect me on television or anything else."

Yesterday White, obviously cowed, offered this sincere apology:

"Tito is a fucking idiot," White said. "He's one of the dumbest human beings I've ever met. Everything that comes out of his mouth makes no sense." [...]

"I put up with his shit when he was a good fighter," White said. "He's not anymore… I have no interest whatsoever in being in the Tito Ortiz business. … I've never wanted to see anyone get their ass kicked worse than I want to see Tito get his kicked next Saturday night."

Awww that's sweet.  Reminds me of how my parents tell me they love me.  This zipper scar on the side of my head lets me know they care. 

You know, on paper, being a UFC heavyweight and dating a porn star looks like a pretty sweet deal.  But then I see this, and you know what?  It's a great time to be a skinny blogger, just masturbating the day away.  Not that I'm going to be able to manage an erection for the rest of the day.

Memo to Tito Ortiz: we already think that you're a very tough, dangerous man.  Sticking your face inside Jenna's pork receptacles is just going over the top.  Gah, this is like a scene in Aliens or The Fly. 

More photos over at WWTDD.  But you don't really want to see them. 

Update: As commenter Peter McSheisty points out, Ortiz is a light heavyweight.  Oh. Well, this just changes everything.  Now the picture isn't gross at all.  Thanks, assbag!

Tito Ortiz succumbed to Chuck Liddell on a TKO in the third round of the UFC Light Heavyweight title bout on Saturday night. Apparently Liddell got Ortiz on the mat late in the third round and savagely beat his face until the referee stopped the fight. Pretty sweet.

After a quick stop by the doctor's office for some stitches, Ortiz was ready to party:

Twenty stitches around an eye didn't stop Tito Ortiz from making the club scene with galpal-porn star Jenna Jameson on Saturday. They showed up at Jet (Mirage), where Kid Rock greeted Ortiz with words of admiration.

Talk about a roller coaster of a night. Bad: get your face opened up for twenty stitches by the toughest man alive. Good: go out with porn star girlfriend. Bad: Kid Rock talks to you. Good: Leave party to have sex with porn star girlfriend.

Eh, I'll take it. Kid Rock was probably just asking what it was like to actually be a badass instead of just pretending to be one in crappy songs. I could probably tolerate that. And chicks dig scars. So… I think I'll take this opportunity call Chuck Liddell a bitch in this public forum (cc: Scarlett Johansson).