Brandon and I were trading emails yesterday, discussing our respective regional weather calamities (me = underwater, him = on fire), when he asked if I could help him out with a feature or a couple posts today. I responded, “I’ll try to do a feature if I see something worthwhile. I promise. If not I’ll probably end up doing something stupid like a series of five posts about my favorite Phillies players and what I think they smell like. (CHASE UTLEY SMELLS LIKE GRITS BEHCUZ HE’S GRITTY!)” I then went to bed laughing to myself about what a funny joke I just told, and tried to think about something that I could turn into a feature.

However, because Brandon is a delightful maniac, not only did he thank me for offering to help, he strongly encouraged me to follow through with my joke idea. So here we are. Instead of just doing Phillies, however, I’ve branched out to cover the whole major leagues. This is easily the stupidest and/or best thing I’ve ever done.

[Ed. note -- Be sure to tell us what you think players who didn't make Danger's list probably smell like in the comments section. The best one wins a prize, which will probably be scratch-n-sniff stickers]

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"Hello. Do you know us?"

The San Francisco Giants took a brief vacation from their 4-game lead in the National League West yesterday, as they visited the White House as Barack Obama’s guests of honor (with Willie Mays) to celebrate their 2010 World Series victory. The Commander-in-Chief has always fancied himself a bit of a sports scholar, so of course when it came time to single the Giants’ stars out, he did his thing.

“Now, with two Cy Youngs under his belt, everybody understands why he’s called ‘The Freak,’” Obama said. “And after watching him pitch eight incredible innings — including a stretch of 11 strikeouts in a row — America learned that sometimes it’s a good idea to bet on the skinny guy.”

He gazed through the players on the podium.

“And then there’s the guy with the beard,” he said, his eyes landing on Brian Wilson.

“I do fear it,” he cracked. (Via)

Of course he was talking about Brian Wilson, but you still have to be a little more specific with a line like that when you’re talking about a group of guys from San Francisco.

A few other notable politicians were on hand, but since none of them feeling like solving the debt ceiling problem any time soon, I’m not going to mention any of them. That will show those grandstanding bureaucrats who is boss, says the guy who always “forgets” to vote.

You can check out the video of Obama’s recognition of the World Champs as well as a mini gallery of the Giants’ visit to the White House after the jump, and yes it is just a collection of Wilson and Tim Lincecum looking strange.

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Hey everybody, there’s a party in Brian Wilson’s beard and you’re invited! To continue, please click anywhere on Brian’s beard and watch a short video that asks, “do you realize ninjas?”

When you’re done there, turn your television over to Showtime, where “The Franchise” follows the San Francisco Giants in the 2010-2011 offseason as they come to terms with winning baseball’s richest prize and having to listen to this guy talk for more than a minute and a half.

Unable to handle my reaction to Brian Wilson’s comedy, I stranged myself to death and sold this Dugout as ad space for the upcoming “Franchise” season. Today’s Dugout follows, but I’m not responsible for any of it.

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A few months back, I scoured the depths of Deviant Art and a few other sites to dig up some of the most beautiful athlete fan art that we’ve ever seen, but a few days ago I realized that I left out another great resource – Etsy. An online marketplace for independent artists, jewelers, and general retailers, Etsy is apparently also a haven for people who love to make unique sports merchandise and memorabilia. Some friends and I have a little game we like to play, as we try to find more obscure and interesting (read: borderline absurd) items to send each other as birthday gifts. After all, why celebrate your friend’s team for him when you can induce shame just as easily?

Etsy turned out to be a treasure trove of paintings, knick knacks and clothing, so I did my best to limit the catalog today. But I’m pretty sure with this little collection, including that fantastic painting above, you’ll get the general idea of what you’ll find if you ever pull on your cyber galoshes and wade through the Etsy waters.

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San Francisco Giants right-handed starter Tim Lincecum is almost ready for the day pitchers and catchers report for spring training, and a picture of his new look is circling around the Internet now. Look for yourself at how he looks now that he’s probably gotten sick of the comparisons to Mitch Kramer. He now looks a lot like John Waters!

I support his endeavor to change his look, except for that scarf part. Timmy, you’re not part of Fleet Foxes; you’re a crazy f-cking pitcher who has won back-to-back Cy Youngs and a World Series trophy this past season. If you’re serious about that mustache, put some more effort into it. The ladies will not be impressed with a mustache ride with only that on your face. That sh-t’s weak. This will probably be the only instance of me ever endorsing a baseball player using substances to help out his physical features.

If Timmy really does keep this, imagine the emotional distress players will have after striking out to that picture. Actually, I’ve changed my mind; keep the scarf, and wear it while you pitch. Mark Reynolds will break down and cry after whiffing at the disgusting curveball you’ve thrown. To make it even more funny, twiddle your facial hair after every strikeout. Give out wispy-ass Timmy Staches to go along with the Timmy Wigs at AT&T Park. You can be the hero for kids with weak facial hair everywhere!

Of course, the people against Timmy’s mustache could orchestrate some rallies of their own against the facial hair fiasco. Instead of “LET TIMMY SMOKE,” they could say “LET TIMMY SHAVE”! I’m making the shirts already. Yeah, I support his decision, but I can still find a way to profit from both sides. I’m not a businessman; I’m a business, man. Wait, I think I used that wrong.

Photo via.

Tim Lincecum, with his flowing mane and impish baby face, is such a dreamboat. The Cy Young winner generally gives his fans some love, but this time he did literally (/slaps knee, while hysterically laughing). Tim took time out of whatever it is pitchers do in the dugout to make a young lady’s wildest fantasies come true.

A girl at the Giants game lost her kiss virginity…she meets Giants ace pitcher Tim Lincecum for the second time, but this time he kisses her…and it’s her first kiss ever..in the background you could hear a dude say..” I didn’t get a kiss” Oh yea.. he also signed a baseball for her little brother..What a great guy.. –Terez Owens

They say chivalry’s dead, but thankfully guys like Lincecum are there to make the rest of us look better. In fact, instead of holding a door for an old lady, I’ll purposely slam it in her face. They’re called boot straps, sweetheart, pull yourself up with them. Video after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »