Right now you’re probably saying, “But With Leather, Hulk Hogan lost his dignity YEARS ago!” Yes, I’ve seen Mr. Nanny, but you can always give more.

What you’re watching is a clip from the #ChallengeHulk series, a YouTube channel of promotional videos from Hogan and weight loss product Body By Vi that are a lot like the show ‘Shaq Vs.’, except Hogan just stands in front of a green screen and challenges himself to be as pathetic as possible. In this installment, Hogan listens to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” once, puts on some props a lame person would have in a photo booth at a wedding and tells us that we need to respect everyone on the planet because he has the largest arms in the world. Or something.

My theory (as the headline suggests) is that our Ten Jokes To Tell About The Upcoming Hulk Hogan Sex Tape and its sequel made Hogan go “oh no, brother” and feel fear deep in his melting, leathery core, so he’s pulling a Tila Tequila and being as sad as possible every day so seeing him naked and humping will be an afterthought.

Either that, or his message to gay teens is, “it doesn’t get any better”.

[h/t John Canton]

Last week we shared with you the news that turd-mouthed ex-ballplayer Lenny Dykstra would be taking the place of White House party crasher Tareq Salahi in an upcoming Celebrity Boxing match with Jose Canseco. “Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies,” said Dykstra in a statement. “I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco.”

Well, as it turns out, Canseco wasn’t the only person spreading lies. Somewhere between that statement and last night’s “Battle of the Baseball Bad Boys” (their name, not mine) Dykstra pulled out of the fight, and he might’ve pocketed $5,000 of the promoter’s cash before doing so. This is where the story gets very Sports By Brooks, so try to stay with me. From the Philadelphia Inquirer, by way of The Hall Of Very Good:

(Fight promoter Damon) Feldman said moments ago that he and main promoter Alki David met Dykstra on Thursday and paid him cash. The former Phillies star was to receive another $10,000 after the fight but informed promoters around 6 EST tonight that he would not show up.

Dan Herman, who until severing ties tonight with Dykstra had served as a manager for him, arranged Dykstra’s participation in the bout and confirmed that Dykstra was paid a portion of his purse in advance and has pulled out of the fight. “I grew up idolizing Lenny Dykstra but it was all a lie,” Herman said.

That makes both Canseco and Dykstra liars, for the record. But who can show up to call the promoter a liar? Why, a local weatherman, of course!

Read the rest of this entry »

If you’ve ever wanted to see two desperate-for-fame baseball players from the 1980s sadly destroying each other while an Octomom and possibly an also-ran Kardashian cheer them on, this is the story for you — embattled former slugger and mouth-haver Lenny Dykstra has been named a replacement opponent for Jose Canseco’s upcoming Foxy Celebrity Boxing match. He’s got a great reason for doing it, too, that has nothing to do with money or people looking at him through cameras!

Via the press release, by way of Market Watch:

Alki David, founder and CEO of FilmOn.com Networks, announced today that he has approved the last minute change in the upcoming title fight between controversial baseball player Jose Canseco and Tareq Salahi, the White House Party Crasher.

“Canseco ruined my career by spreading lies. I called Tareq and begged him to let me take his place in the upcoming fight against Canseco,” said Dykstra in a statement.

I want to see Canseco punch him in the jaw and cause the left side of his face to explode like a tobacco-filled pimple.

The press release then quickly jumps to explaining what “virtual cable television” is and spends seven paragraphs explaining how it works. Here’s the gist: You can watch television on the Internet, and on one of that television’s channels is a title fight (not sure which title, possibly “most depressing person”) between a 48-year old convict in physical and emotional shambles and a 47-year old who once fought Danny Bonaduce to a draw. Oh, and that 48-year old had to beg a guy who got temporarily famous for sneaking into parties to get his spot. On a different channel you can watch somebody catch and gut a fish, which should be a more humane and competitive thing.

Perhaps the saddest celebrity boxing news is that Tila Tequila is still scheduled to fight “TBA”. Can’t we find a ballplayer to fill in? How about Milton Bradley? I bet he’d kill her.

We haven’t seen TV’s Tila Tequila since she was running for her life at a Gathering Of The Juggalos concert (pictured below). She’s rebounding in a big way, appearing the latest installment of “Between Two Ferns,” that one spoof show with that one guy from The Hangover. Watch as she and Zach double-team Jennifer Aniston, who I guess has a movie coming out or something.

Tequila was involved in a domestic dispute with Chargers defender Shawne Merriman (now with the Bills), who apparently restrained her after she allegedly tried to drive home from his place while intoxicated. Merriman actually spent two hours in jail over the incident, but that’s not as bad as having to play for the Bills.

“Tell Jennifer about yourself.” Oh, man. I don’t know how many people other than Zach Galifianakis can roll out the same shtick over and over and still make it unpredictably funny. And of course Aniston ruined it with a long ending. I should have come to expect that from a woman whose claim to fame was a layered haircut.

Via NY Mag and the ShareBros.

Most of us remember that lawsuit in November involving San Diego Chargers defender Shawne Merriman and that one crazy Asian broad whose name escapes me. That suit was settled earlier in the year, but this episode might take a bit longer to sort out. Tequila was an onstage guest at a concert called the Gathering of the Juggalos, an event which sounds like a great place to go if one were looking to literally get the piss beaten out of oneself.

Tila gave TMZ a very detailed account of what happened, saying: “I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the sh*t out of the port-0-potty and threw sh*t and piss at me when I was onstage.”

“But what about you? Now you have sh*t and piss all over your hands!”

“Small price to pay for the smiting of one’s enemies.”

ASYLUM POLL: How bad do you feel for Tila Tequila?

Oh, but there’s more. Read the rest of this entry »

We’re a bit late to this whole Tila Tequila-Shawne Merriman dustup that happened over the weekend, but here’s what we know so far about the relationship between the Pro Bowl linebacker and the woman who’s really not hot enough to be famous anyway: Tequila, whose real name is Tila Nguyen, tried to leave Merriman’s place on Sunday morning. Merriman wouldn’t let her go, saying she was intoxicated. Nguyen would later sign a citizen’s arrest warrant with the San Diego County Sherriff’s office, citing battery and false imprisonment.

Deputies responded about 3:45 a.m. to Merriman’s house in Poway, north of San Diego, after a woman called to say she was choked by the player and thrown to the ground when she tried to leave, Sheriff’s Department spokesman Jan Caldwell said at a news conference. via.

And so Merriman spent two hours in jail. Deputies later confirmed that Tila Nguyen had been drinking, a notion that she would later refute on Twitter, claiming she was allergic to alcohol.

In a tweet Sunday, Tequila said: “I am allergic to alcohol. It has been publicly known for years. That is how I got the name Tila “Tequila” cuz the irony. I cant drink.”

[She also tweeted,] “Steroid use makes people act aggressive….known fact,” presumably a referance to Merriman’s known steroid use. via.

It’s hard to believe that someone nicknamed Tila Tequila would actually try to claim that she’s allergic to alcohol, but that’s my fault for expecting a reality TV star to realize that we actually use the brain that she takes for granted. I always trust the steroid-crazed idiot over the Vienamese TV whore idiot. Call me cynical…