Somewhere, I assume, people love being married. Love it. It is probably a small town in the outskirts of Hastings, Nebraska, where families frolic together while kissing and hugging their significant other with butterflies dancing gingerly in the air between them.

Sadly, this world is not that of professional athletes, and we get to hear about scumbag stories weekly. Today, we have Tiki Barber, the man that once said in his own memoirs, “I want to be an honorable man, because that’s what I want (both my kids) to be. My family is everything to me,” has left his eight months pregnant wife (with twins!!) for Traci Lynn Johnson, a 23-year-old former intern.

Ahh, such puppy love.

“After 11 years of marriage, Ginny and I have decided to separate,” Barber said. “This decision was a painful one, but we are moving forward amicably and will continue to work together to raise our children with the love and dedication they have always known.” — The New York Post

“The love and dedication they have always known?” Like, you banging hot 23-year-olds while your wife is carrying around 40 pounds of baggage in her abs? That type of love? Gotcha.

Anyone with half a brain understands that every athlete in the world cheats, but when you read stories like this, you can actually see how certain people evolve over time. Tiki writes book about his life and family. Tiki yells about his father, complaining that he abandoned Tiki and the family and how he has “a hard time forgiving that.” Tiki does exact same thing.

Giants coach Tom Coughlin has long been rumored to be unpopular with his players.  Of course, winning games will wash over personal animosities, but the Giants' disappointing first-round playoff exits have't exactly been confidence-builders, especially when the regular seasons are marred by 4th quarter meltdowns and mental mistakes (the very things hardass coaches supposedly eliminate).  Basically, it's a mystery how he still has a job. 

And now this: if the Giants had fired Coughlin last season, they might still have Tiki Barber on the roster.

"If Tom Coughlin had not remained as head coach of the Giants, I might still be in a Giants uniform," Barber wrote in his upcoming book "Tiki: My Life in the Game and Beyond," excerpts of which were obtained by the Daily News.

"[Coughlin] robbed me of what had been one of the most important things I had in my life, which was the joy I felt playing football… I had lost that. He had taken it away."

Well, this should be a fun story to follow: Incompetent Dickhead versus Chicken-Hearted Spotlight Hog — WHO YA GOT!?!?  Call it a hunch, but I think the Sunday Night Football crew may have Tiki's back.

[Nation of Islam Sportsblog] 

Tiki Barber will make close to $10 million more than I will over the next four years, as he's going to sign a deal with ABC/ESPN that will give the Giants running back $2.5M a year to work on "Good Morning America," "20/20," and almost certainly not "Cold Pizza." That show is for shiteating hacks.

Either way, it looks to be a lot more pleasant of a career than going to work with Eli Manning and Jeremy Shockey every day while making every fantasy football owner in America despise him by breaking out of his touchdown slump with 234 yards and three touchdowns in Week 17 . Well, it'll be better unless this happens: 

Barber’s role is undefined, although he could be a candidate if Tony Kornheiser were to decide to leave the “Monday Night Football” booth.

I'd rather be on the irritating Giants suckwagon than spend four hours a week in a booth with Joe Theismann. That guy could make Bobcat Goldthwaite and Joan Rivers sound like Oscar Wilde and Dorothy Parker.

For possibly the first time in history, the New York Post's Page Six isn't just mindless chatter about stupid famous whores. Today it's actually giving us some useful information about Tiki Barber's impending retirement:

The 205-pound running back is heading for the broadcasting booth at age 31 because [wife] Ginny Barber has been "nagging him for a long time – and with others present – that he'd better retire before he has a crippling injury," Barber's friend says. If that happened, Ginny told him, "he couldn't participate in raising his children."

Well, this sounds like Ginny really put a lot of effort into it. I bet she did a ton of research and even put together a PowerPoint called "Why Tiki Should Retire" subtitled "I Am a Selfish Bitch." And then she had to scrap the research and switch to nagging because no running back in the history of the NFL became a bad father for playing an extra year.

Hey Tiki, remember when I gave you that "Un-Douchings" tag? Say good-bye to that, pal. Because, you know, anyone who listens to advice from his wife on how to be a better father is clearly a huge douchebag.

In case you missed it, semi-literate blowhard Michael Irvin called Tiki Barber a "quitter" and a distraction from his team for deciding to retire after this season. Well, Tiki may smile a lot and seem like a nice guy, but he's not afraid to call a spade a shovel. He fired back at some of his detractors in the media:

"I will call them 'idiots' because they have neither spoken to me nor any one of my teammates or any of my coaches, yet all they do is criticize me for being a distraction with this retirement thing."

Yes, but who are you talking about, Tiki? 

"That includes New York Daily News columnist Gary Myers, that includes Tom Jackson on ESPN, that includes the ultimate character guy, facetiously speaking, of course, Michael Irvin (of ESPN), please get a clue how to be a journalist. Don't make blanket assumptions about it (retirement). And obviously, as was evidence (Monday) night, I am a huge distraction to the New York Giants."

I just love how Tiki calls out people with surgical precision. He not only names names, he includes their place of employment so you know exactly who won't be interviewing him any time soon. And Irvin certainly has no idea what "facetious" means, which I suspect is another calculated move. Then he finishes the quote by basically saying, "Scoreboard, bitches."

I admit, I used to think Tiki was a little douche-y (hello, just look at that photo), but it looks like he's got a little badass in him. Good work, Mr. Barber. Keep calling out dipshits, and maybe we can hang out.

Well, this is weird for someone who's leading the NFL in rushing: 

During a promotional book tour in Manhattan, Barber said he was “leaning toward” retiring, and that he had “pretty much” made up his mind. Asked what would force him to reconsider, he said, “Nothing.”

Memo to every other great star athlete: be more like Tiki Barber. Leave us wanting more. Ever notice how we lament Barry Sanders's retirement, but Jerry Rice can eat a big plate of dick? It's because one of them has some class, and the other asks a Hall of Famer and the greatest Seahawk ever if he can use that guy's retired number. See also: Michael Jordan, Emmitt Smith, John Madden.

being an athlete grown old is one of the cruelest fates, to be replaced by others, to no longer hear the cheers and plaudits, to no longer be recognized, just be an old man like other old men. -Charles Bukowski

All right then. Back to dick jokes.