It feels like a decade, but it has only been two years since we were first introduced to Rachel Uchitel, the woman who was the figurative (and probably literal) snowballer to the world’s former No. 1 golfer, Tiger Woods. In fact, in the two years since Uchitel first entered the public eye for her affair with Woods, the man who was once destined to be the greatest golfer of all time has even fallen from the Top 50 of the world golf rankings. And I can’t imagine that Uchitel’s latest announcement will make him any happier.

You see, she got married. Again.

The 36-year-old former ‘No. 1′ lover of the famous golfer exchanged vows with Matt Hahn, who is close to 10 years her junior, In Las Vegas over the weekend.

They got hitched at the famed Little White Chapel while in Sin City for a friend’s nuptials.

‘Rachel and Matt attended a friend’s wedding this weekend and were inspired to tie the knot themselves. It was all very spur of the moment and very romantic,’ a spokesperson tells Radar Online.

Uchitel added: ‘Matt and I were married in front of 12 friends on Sunday night at the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas, where everyone from Michael Jordan to Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, to Britney Spears were married.

(Via the Daily Mail)

Hot damn, that is some impressive company. I wonder how all those marriages turned out.

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“I think he’s waiting to explode again,” said Jordan told the Herald Sun.

sigh

Then I’m pretty sure he compares Tiger Woods’ career to dog fighting.

“A wounded dog has a tough time trying to keep winning battles.

“And because the battle was a lot tougher than I thought even Tiger realized a while ago, he needs to heal before he gets back into these battles again.”

And this is only the beginning of Michael Jordan’s in-depth analysis of Tiger Woods and what it will take for the guy who slept with 40,000 porn stars and felt bad about it to get back on top in the world of golf. The short version is the one anyone could’ve told you — if Tiger wants to be good again he needs to get healthy, clear his mind of all these off-screen troubles and focus on playing a game he naturally plays better than anyone. The long version (available at the Herald Sun) is that Michael Jordan has gone through similar troubles, so here are ten paragraphs of rambling monologue that boil down to “he needs to get well and pay attention”.

And also, uh, he’s a wounded dog who fought battles and needs to explode. Seriously, is there a situation in 2011 where a dog has battles? Is this another one of those “Hitler mustache” situations where Jordan just does or says something and hasn’t lived in the real world in like 30 years so he can’t be held to any observed ethical or logical community standards? I’m going to cut the jokes and type an extremely serious sentence: Tiger Woods needs to get over the self-pity party and either play golf or sit the f**k at home in his Magical Golf House and be half-rich. Your leg hurts and you had a bunch of sex, I’m not rooting for you to overcome those odds.

[h/t Devil Ball Golf]

Tiger Woods is a jerk. He cheated on his beautiful wife, the mother of his two children, with upwards of 60,000 borderline-transvestite pornstars and strippers before exploding into a multimedia tornado of sorrowful remorse and terrible golf. He shouldn’t have done things to make his wife want to beat him to death with a golf club, and we should keep his actions hanging over his head for most of the rest of his life. But hey, just in case you’d tricked yourself into thinking his Swedish model wife Elin Nordegren was somehow a relatable human being betrayed by someone she truly loved, I’d like to direct you to her new boyfriend: Jamie Dingman.

I’m sorry, I’m being presumptuous. I’m sure he’s just like you and me. You know, if “you” were billionaire philanthropist Michael Dingman and I was your globetrotting son.

Dingman is an accomplished emerging-markets veteran who has represented his father’s interests in China for the past six years. In the mid-1990s, he specialized in Russian private equity funds. He also owned an IndyCar team sponsored by World Childhood Foundation, a charity founded by Queen Silvia of Sweden.

He splits his time between China and the Bahamas and recently spent time with Nordegren in Florida and Sweden.

When I was little I wanted to either be a fireman or an emerging-markets veteran.

How do you get to a point in your life where your two defining characteristics are “representing your father’s interests in China” and a specialization in Russian private equity funds? Proving that it’s not who you are but who you’re supposed to be, this gangly Mark Cuban-looking motherf**ker has also bedded Tom Brady’s baby mama Bridget Moynahan and the PRINCESS OF SWEDEN. I didn’t even know Sweden had a princess.

Don’t jump to conclusions: According to “a friend” (thanks, Fox Sports), he’s your everyday, Russian private equity fund-spreading Johnny Appleseed.

“He’s never been so happy. He and Elin have strong feelings for each other,” a friend said. “He’s a classic all-American guy. He’s handsome, a total gentleman and low-key. He’s never been in the press. Elin’s a very lucky girl; he’s a great guy but very private.”

Yes, this all sounds extremely low-key. It must be a wonderful life where you can divorce one of the most accomplished and recognizable athletes of the century and still be able to dismiss his accomplishments to your new boyfriend by saying “lol he played golf”.

Ever since the E! network allegedly paid for a 20-carat engagement ring and gave it to New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries to give to Kim Kardashian, it’s been a nonstop whirlwind of marriage preparation for the talentless giant ass and the guy she’ll probably leave at the altar. But of course all that preparation will focus on her ass, because why shouldn’t it?

After a recent filming of Project Runway, for which Kardashian was a special guest judge with all of her fashion expertise, host Heidi Klum went for a jog with Kardashian to help her get in wedding shape.

She is set to wed NBA player Kris Humphries later this year and has vowed to ‘slim down’ before the big day.

‘I want to really get in fab shape!’ she has said.

She has been has been hitting regularly, some times managing multiple workouts a day.

Meanwhile, the star went out of her way to prove that her curves are all natural in teh latest episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. (Daily Mail)

(It’s a banner day for tabloid “journalism” when writers are misspelling “the”. I’m hardly Hunter S. Hemingway, but come on. The British have lost the right to question our academic system for the next 24 hours.)

You know, they say the camera adds 10 pounds, which means that bridesmaid Khloe Kardashian will be wearing something from the Barnum & Bailey collection. As for Kim, a virginal bride should traditionally wear white on her wedding day, which has limited her color selection to “burnt match”.

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As I watched Rory McIlroy treat the U.S. Open like a disobedient orphan over the weekend, I thought two things:

1. Rory McIlroy is extremely great at golf, and
2. He sorta looks like every child star does when they’ve stopped being cute and turned 20 and nobody wants them anymore.

So it makes sense that McIlroy would have a child star past, seen here as a bad ass little 9-year old chipping golf balls into a washing machine on “The Kelly Show”. The host, Gerry Kelly, even one-ups sports blogs by about twelve years with his finishing quote: “The Americans have Tiger Woods. We have young Rory and, believe you me, this boy can hit a ball.” And here I was thinking he was the daughter on “Gilmore Girls”.

Compare and contrast this to Tiger on the Mike Douglas Show at age two, where he was cuter and 1000% more like Webster. Tiger didn’t need three tries to pull off his trick, but, uh, I guess he had other faults.

[h/t Sportress of Blogitude]

Tiger Woods has withdrawn from The Players Championship after a terrible nine holes, citing leg injuries. Woods was noticably limping with each hole, using his clubs for support, and shot a whopping 42 on the front nine including a triple bogey. The guy is obviously not at a hundred percent and I believe him, but this is all very similar to my “argh my hand is killing me” excuse when I start throwing gutter-balls at the bowling alley.

Reports say Woods handed his scorecard to PGA champion Martin Kaymer after taking a bogey on the par-5 ninth and walked back to inform Matt Kuchar that he was leaving early for the second straight year (“I’m having a hard time walking,” said Woods), but at the risk of sounding like bad stand-up from the early 90s, I think the conversation was handled by text, and I think it went a little something, uh-like this:

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