After it was revealed that Tiger Woods had snogged just about every Perkins waitress, porn star and party girl on both sides of the Mississippi during his marriage, it seemed pretty obvious that his ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, was going to hold him upside down and shake him until every last penny of his billion dollar net worth fell out. So we were all a little surprised when she walked with just $100 million, with which she purchased the above 6-bedroom mansion in Palm Beach.

But now, according to the Daily Mail, Nordegren is proving that there’s only one way to get the stink of the world’s best golfer’s affairs out of your carpet – tear that mother f*cking house down. Claiming that 6 bedrooms aren’t enough for her and her two children, Nordegren had the entire 9,000-sq. ft., $12 million mansion demolished so she could build a new, larger mansion from scratch.

In related news, women everywhere just hatched schemes to get professional athletes to marry them.

Read the rest of this entry »

Back in October, we were treated to a second Valentine’s Day when Rachel Uchitel married the love of her life at the same chapel in Las Vegas that united Britney Spears and Jason Alexander in their neverending holy matrimony. Uchitel, who is of course Tiger Woods’ most famous mistress, married former Penn State fullback Matt Hahn, who once scored one whole touchdown, and then they Tweeted a bunch of pictures of themselves getting dressed up for a Nickelback concert night on the Vegas strip to celebrate their nuptials with class and style.

Wanna hop in my time machine, travel back to October and make bets on why they actually got married?

“Expecting big things for 2012…Five down, four months to go,” Uchitel tweeted.

The former “Celebrity Rehab” star secretly married Hahn in October and the two have been living in San Francisco since their wedding…

(Via CBS News)

Wait, hold on. I know I suck at math, but her wedding was only two months ago and she has been pregnant for five? Color me shocked.

The past two years have been pretty tough on Tiger Woods, what with that whole wife finding out that he was banging escorts, porn stars and Perkins waitresses and then that whole other plummeting to 52nd on the World Golf Rankings because he suddenly sucks. And factor in Elin Nordegren taking him to the cleaners for a few hundred million and then shaking her ass in front of any billionaire with eyes, and life has kind of sucked for the guy whose life was seemingly unsuckable.

Well say goodbye to those losing ways, friends, because El Tigre is back in the W column. Trailing Zach Johnson by one stroke heading into the final round of the Chevron World Challenge, Woods shot a 3-under round to secure his first tournament victory since the 2009 Australian Masters. Fist pumps and chest bumps, big guy.

Asked to describe his feelings after ending his lengthy title drought, 14-times major champion Woods replied: “It feels awesome, whatever that is.

“I know it’s been a while, but also for some reason it feels like it hasn’t (been a while) because when I was coming down the stretch there I felt so comfortable.

“Was I nervous? Absolutely. I’m always nervous in that position but it’s a comfortable feeling, and I enjoy being in that position,” added Woods, who will rise to 21st when the new world rankings are issued on Monday.

(Via the Montreal Gazette)

Tiger is like the New York Yankees and Duke Blue Devils all rolled into one when it comes to the polarity of golf fans. I know a ton of people who have reveled in his failures over the past two years for reasons like, “Screw him, he cheated on his hot wife” or “He just seems like a pompous a-hole” or “It’s just not fun when he wins all the time.” But I think it’s a hell of a lot of fun when he wins all the time.

I love seeing the other golfers like Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els act all pissy when Tiger runs away with a major tourney, and while I still appreciate when younger guys like Johnson, Rory McIlroy and especially Bubba Watson win, it’s just so much more entertaining when Tiger is locked in. And hopefully he celebrated this victory locked between two Vivid Girls.

Read the rest of this entry »

Deal with it.

The 2011 Presidents Cup came and went without much fanfare, mainly because the U.S. rules while the rest of the world drools. To be fair, that’s the rest of the world without Europe, because the motherland’s best golfers save their efforts for the Ryder Cup, at which the U.S. does the bulk of the sucking. But this weekend’s win improved the American team’s record at the Presidents Cup to 7-1-1, and the hubbub surrounding this year’s W is all about Tiger Woods.

First off, U.S. captain Fred Couples received a lot criticism for choosing Woods over PGA champion Keegan Bradley. Couples, though, reminded everyone that Woods will always be the best golfer in the world to him, so he was banking on that guy showing up. And though Woods accounted for just 2 of America’s 19 points, he did give the best performance of the event in his singles match on Sunday, so of course Couples is doing a little air humping.

Read the rest of this entry »

You guys. Holy crap. Just read this:

Brandon Kelly of Petaluma told the Santa Rosa Press Democrat on Tuesday that he’s a fan of Woods and got the idea after watching “Drive” — a recently released movie starring Ryan Gosling as a stunt driver who moonlights as a getaway driver.

“I threw the hot dog toward Tiger Woods because I was inspired by the movie ‘Drive,’” Kelly said. “As soon as the movie ended, I thought to myself, ‘I have to do something courageous and epic. I have to throw a hot dog on the green in front of Tiger.’”

Jesus Backflipping Christ. That quote might be the most delightful three consecutive sentences in the English language. I’ve read it 100 times, and it keeps getting better. I’m not exaggerating when I say that his journey from “Drive is awesome” to “I must do something courageous and epic” to “I’m going to chunk a hot dog at Tiger Woods” is easily the most important philosophical quandary of our time. I must know more about this hero. AT ONCE. I propose two options:

1) A “30 for 30″ documentary about the incident, complete with a frame-by-frame analysis of the throw and interviews with all the relevant parties.

2) A Frost/Nixon style series of interviews where I sit down with Mr. Kelly and pick at his brain with hard-hitting questions like “Let’s say, hypothetically, that you hadn’t been able to get your hands on a hot dog… what then? Pretzel? Nachos? The people have a right to know.”

My point is this: this man’s story must be told.

(video and picture via the handsome and talented Vince Mancini)

Sports Grid’s tendency to take videos from places and put their logo in the corner has finally come in handy, as the PGA has been on a rights and violations kick and this is the only place on the Internet to see video of a guy running onto the seventh green at CordeValle and throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods. Yes, this is a thing that happened.

Conflicting reports abound — he was drunk, he wasn’t drunk, he threw the hot dog, he just lost control of the hot dog because he was crazy and running — and the entire thing has a real Zapruder feel about it. Obvious jokes about Tiger Woods and wieners aside, it also gives the comments section of every sports blog in the world a chance to argue about what should and should not be on a hot dog. I usually go the mustard, relish and onions route, but my hot dogs are made out of soy beans, so what the hell do I know? I just think it’s hilarious that a golfer had a hot dog thrown at them at something called the “Frys.com Open”. Somebody should throw a milkshake at him.

The best part is that the story gives me a chance to reuse one of my favorite sports clips of all time:

Read the rest of this entry »