Forbes magazine today released their annual The World’s Most Powerful Celebrities, a top 100 list that ranks stars based on press coverage, social media buzz and whose agents paid Forbes the most money to put them on a list. At the top of this year’s 100: Jennifer Lopez, who was settling nicely into obscurity as that lady on Eric Cartman’s hand in an old episode of ‘South Park’ before ‘American Idol’ rocketed her back to prominence. Former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks also made the list, coming in at number 4,544,022 between Burnsy and the golden voiced homeless guy.

Tiger Woods managed to hang on as this year’s highest ranking sports celebrity, coming it at number 12. The only other sports guy in the top 25 was LeBron James at number 15, despite Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal coming it at numbers 2 and 3 in “Press Rank” behind Lady Gaga. I don’t know how much of this list is based on math and how much of it is based on people at Forbes trying to name 100 celebrities, so bear with me.

Here’s a full list of the sports personalities who ranked this year:

12. Tiger Woods
15. LeBron James
27. Kobe Bryant
31. Roger Federer
32. David Beckham
33. Manny Pacquiao
40. Peyton Manning
44. Cristiano Ronaldo
47. Rafael Nadal
48. Phil Mickelson
50. Lionel Messi
52. Floyd Mayweather Jr.
60. Tom Brady
63. Alex Rodriguez
71. Maria Sharapova
77. Serena Williams
87. Li Na

It should be noted that Manny Pacquiao is one spot ahead of Ellen Degeneres, which should make him happy.

When you get to the bottom of the list it gets amazing, by the way. The biggest knockout blow is 90, 91 and 92 being Jeff Dunham, Larry The Cable Guy and Skrillex respectively. One of the biggest surprises to me was Bon f**king Jovi ranking at #25, ahead of Howard Stern and Ryan Seacrest. I know the teenage version of him plays lacrosse, but I had no idea he was still bringing in 38 millionaires more press and cash than Alex Rodriguez.

Creepy floating heads edition.

When I’m wrong, I’m the first to admit that I was wrong. And boy did the NBA’s defending champs make me look like a fool. Last week, I predicted that no team would be swept from the NBA Playoffs last week, and to make matters worse, I boasted that it was a sucker’s prediction because only one team had the possibility of sweeping its opponent through Saturday, and that was the Oklahoma City Thunder. But I thought for sure that Dirk Nowitzki and Co. would show some scrap and claw back for one win. Wrong.

Oh well, I never said that the prediction machine was a perfect beast, but it’s close to perfect, because I was right about everything else, including the winner of the Kentucky Derby*. And that builds enough confidence for me to move forward with another round of brilliant sports predictions.

*I did not pick the winner of the Kentucky Derby in last week’s post, but I was totally like, “Oh yeah, bros, I pick I’ll Have Another.”

Chances are that by now you’ve seen the video of the random woman walking on to the court during yesterday’s playoff game 4 between the Los Angeles Lakers and Denver Nuggets. It turns out the woman has a little history with the Nuggets, as she used to stalk Kenyon Martin. So it makes sense that she was asking, “Where is Kenyon?” as security was escorting her off the court.

But I assume if security was so lazy and ineffective enough that a woman could just walk into the middle of a play, they probably just put her in a cab and told the driver to take her to the Staples Center.

I’ve always had a fond memory of Oil Can Boyd’s baseball career, but only because I love the name Oil Can. I don’t remember much about his actual playing ability at all, so I really shouldn’t be excited that he’s back in the news. Thankfully, old athletes often give the most batsh*t interviews, and that’s why we can all revel in Oil Can’s return to the spotlight today. Promoting his new book, “They Call Me Oil Can”, Boyd appeared on the Dennis and Callahan show on WEEI, and he admitted that he was high back then and, hell, he’s high right now.

“I smoke pot. Yes, I do. (Host: You are high right now?) Yeah and before I become a hypocrite and say that I don’t do something I’ve been doing it since I was 12 years old. When there ain’t no more (marijuana) out there, then maybe you can ask me that question. I do the best I can. I fight day in and day out for the last 25 years. This ain’t no new thing. For the last 25 years. And I’m doing real well. But I don’t think about it like that. I don’t dwell, like I did. I learn about the substance and I learn about what it was about and and how it affects me and how it was with me in my life.”

The whole thing is an absolute delight, and you can listen to it at Larry Brown Sports.

(Image via)

Evil Cole Hamels is evil.

Are we really making a big deal out of Cole Hamels hitting Bryce Harper in the ass with a fastball last night? Really? Ugh, take it to the next level of overreaction, Washington Nationals GM Mike Rizzo:

“I’ve never seen a more classless, gutless [expletive] act in my 30 years in baseball,” Rizzo told Adam Kilgore of theWashington Post.

“Cole Hamels says he’s old school? He’s the opposite of old school. He’s fake tough,” Rizzo said. “He thinks he’s going to intimidate us after hitting our 19-year-old rookie who’s eight games into the big leagues. He doesn’t know who he’s dealing with.”

“With all the bounty [stuff] going on in professional football, the commissioner better act with a purpose on this thing,” Rizzo said. “Players have a way of monitoring themselves. We’re not here to hit people and hurt people.

“He thinks he’s sending a message to us of being a tough guy. He’s sending the polar opposite message. He says he’s being honest; well, I’m being honest. It was a gutless chicken [expletive] [expletive] act. That was a fake-tough act. No one has ever accused Cole Hamels of being old school.” (Via CBS Sports)

Yawn. Hamels will be suspended for 5 games, during which time Rizzo will figure out that Cole rhymes with hole and he’ll probably record a retaliation rap song.

Former NFL wide receiver Terrell Owens recently claimed that he can still be a productive NFL player for the right team, and every GM in the league just sort of nodded and rustled some papers on their desks. Obviously, Owens would probably like to have one more shot to win a Super Bowl, but it’s more realistic that he’d like to have another NFL paycheck, and we know that because he’ll be appearing on the Dr. Phil show this week to answer to three women who claim they have been raising his illegitimate children.

Owens actually said that he agreed to do the show because he wants to show the public that he is not the person that he was made out to be during his NFL career, when he was an obnoxious fame-whoring showboat.

If you’re unfamiliar with The Sun, it’s a British tabloid newspaper that belongs to the Rupert Murdoch family of publications at the center of the massive phone hacking and tapping scandals across the pond. While not dealing with accusations of invasive harassment, though, The Sun is trying to promote safety and security during the weeks leading up to the 2012 Summer Olympics.

That’s why The Sun recently sent a reporter in a van with a fake bomb to invade the London Olympic village. On one hand, a glaring lapse in security was exposed. On the other hand, what are they, stupid?

The Los Angeles Kings are the hottest team in the NHL Playoffs after they first ousted the No. 1 seed Vancouver Canucks and then finished off a sweep of the No. 2 seed and Stanley Cup favorite St. Louis Blues yesterday. So of course all of the bold experts out there are now climbing on the bandwagon.

But here’s the thing – the Kings were supposed to be really good this season. For some reason, though, they sucked. They sucked enough to get their coach fired, and they sucked enough to get an 8 seed. And as it sometimes happens in sports – things just got fixed. Sure, it’s impressive and they deserve the praise for doing it the hard way, but it’s not a surprise.

Seriously, I combined these pictures of Kellen Lutz and Joey Fatone at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday and I just can’t stop looking at it. When did the world’s most celebrated horse race turn into a fashion show for assh*les?

(Images via Getty)

My beloved hometown of Orlando was named the smuttiest city in America by Men’s Health magazine, based on porn purchases and streaming, as well as search engine results. Orlando – the home of the Magic Kingdom and the Holy Land Experience – is smuttier than Las Vegas. Forgive me if I’m just a little prouder than usual today.

In the wake of Kate Upton changing our lives with her Cat Daddy dance video, the group that created the move wants Upton to star in their next video. The Rej3ctz said that they have reached out to Upton and Rej3ctz member Mowii basically hinted that it’s going to happen.

“She was definitely feelin’ it,” Mowii, one of the group’s members, told Hollyscoop. “She was on her own. She is fire! Oh my god, let me stop, cause I’m gonna get Sports Illustrated…”

“I’ve actually reached out ,” Mowii told the gossip site, “I don’t want to let the cat out of the bag, I don’t want to let the Cat Daddy out of the bag. But it might just happen.” (Via the Denver Post)

I mean, maybe she’ll do it, but she’s already done a big enough favor for this group. If Upton’s giving out charity appearances, The Rej3ctz need to get in line until my “fake” Internet wedding plot is completed.

And my LONGSHOT PREDICTION OF THE WEEK!!!1! is that the once greatest golfer in the world, Tiger Woods, will silence every unoriginal Mad Libs “Tiger doesn’t have it” column that was published today after he failed to miss the cut at the Wells Fargo Championship. I really hope that Woods wins, though, because I’m still not ready to accept Rickie Fowler’s “fashion” as champion material.

(Images via Getty)

I don’t know, that shot to the twisty lighthouse looks fake. (Via The Sun)

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Patrick Willis obviously listens to Kenny F*cking Powers.

Kenny Powers isn’t perfect. I know, I spit out my Mountain Dew and bourbon when I wrote that, too. But it’s true. He’s a man who has made mistakes after tasting legend status, and he’s paid the greatest price for his arrogance in taking his God-given talent for granted. America, though, is about second chances and stories of redemption. That’s why when some people see Kenny as a man who hates foreigners, the truth is that he just loves American and feels “that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good.” Patriotism, indeed.

As Kenny continues his baseball renaissance and his climb back to the top, where he will wear the Scream mask all he wants, he has been given the unbelievable honor of becoming the first ever Mother F*cking CEO of K-Swiss. And his appointment is already changing the lives of thousands of professional athletes and millions of aspiring athletes. For once, thanks to Kenny Powers, his incredible motivational speaking ability and his opus, K-Swiss Blades – you’re f*cking in.

Hearing Kenny speak and feeling his words attack my ears like a bulletproof tiger, I can see how San Francisco 49ers linebacker Patrick Willis was inspired to chase down that slow ass animal and tackle it with his bare hands. That got me to thinking, aren’t there some athletes out there that could have used a guy like Kenny F*cking Powers years ago? You bet your Double D’s.

Every time Tiger Woods fails to win a tournament these days, his lack of effort is usually followed by a few hundred newspaper and Internet columns declaring his career over and done. Today is no different, after Woods put up a pooptastic 75 in the final round of the Pebble Beach Pro-Am yesterday and watched as Phil Mickelson strolled right by him with a 64 to win the event.

“Stick a dagger in him!” the columnists yell, as they wipe donut crumbs on their laptops and listen to Mickelson revel in the lopsided nature of this once dominated rivalry.

“I just feel very inspired when I play with him,” the Californian said of Woods. “I love playing with him, and he brings out some of my best golf.

“I hope that he continues to play better and better, and I hope that he and I have a chance to play together more in final rounds.” (Via Reuters)

In fairness, it seemed like Mickelson was being genuine about his hopes for Woods, and God knows the PGA needs El Tigre to get his act back together for the sake of ratings and general interest. But I offer a bit more hypothetical solution for the PGA and Woods, at least for the Pro-Am events – don’t pair Woods with Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo anymore.

In fact, don’t pair anyone with Romo anymore. It just seems unfair to leave golfers making this face for an entire day…

[Images via Getty]

"Man, this place looks ruff."

Two weeks ago, we mentioned that Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren (inset, attractive) had bulldozed her $12 million home, with very little reasoning or explanation other than she didn’t like it. Turns out that was a little off, thank goodness, because she had somehow found a way to make herself into at least 1/10th of the villain that El Tigre had.

Nordegren recently defended her decision and explained with verification from her construction team that the house was a death trap, as it had been riddled by termites and rot, which I assume is also her nickname for Woods’ genitals.

So not only does she have a great reason for having to tear down the house that will now ultimately cost her close to $25 million, but she also made the best of it for the sake of helping charity. Before the house was demolished, Nordegren had the construction workers go through the house and salvage anything they could – chandeliers, window frames, doors, etc. – and she donated them all to Habitat for Humanity.

You know, if she wasn’t already seeing another billionaire, I might have considered dating this woman.

Habitat for Humanity’s ReStore in Stuart, Fla. had a record breaking day of sales—$6,348 of $11,691 in purchases came from items that were in Nordegren’s 17,000 square home, according to a TCPalm.com report.

Tuesday, the store will be reopening its doors 8:30 a.m. and after two days of restocking the store with even more of Nordegren’s belongings, the Habitat staff expects a lot of interest.

Habitat’s deconstruction team director Bobbi Blodgett said even while the store was closed this Martin Luther King Holiday, people knocked on ReStore’s doors, hoping to get their hands on her things.

(Via ABC Action News)

Maybe if Tiger had kept his hands on her things, we wouldn’t have been in this mess from the start. In related news, Nordegren told TMZ that she has unfortunately scrapped one of the original mansion’s coolest features – a grotto. I suppose that’s one way to limit her ex-husband’s visits. And thus ends today’s edition of “How Many Cheap Jokes Can We Make at a Billionaire Pervert’s Expense?”

After it was revealed that Tiger Woods had snogged just about every Perkins waitress, porn star and party girl on both sides of the Mississippi during his marriage, it seemed pretty obvious that his ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, was going to hold him upside down and shake him until every last penny of his billion dollar net worth fell out. So we were all a little surprised when she walked with just $100 million, with which she purchased the above 6-bedroom mansion in Palm Beach.

But now, according to the Daily Mail, Nordegren is proving that there’s only one way to get the stink of the world’s best golfer’s affairs out of your carpet – tear that mother f*cking house down. Claiming that 6 bedrooms aren’t enough for her and her two children, Nordegren had the entire 9,000-sq. ft., $12 million mansion demolished so she could build a new, larger mansion from scratch.

In related news, women everywhere just hatched schemes to get professional athletes to marry them.

Back in October, we were treated to a second Valentine’s Day when Rachel Uchitel married the love of her life at the same chapel in Las Vegas that united Britney Spears and Jason Alexander in their neverending holy matrimony. Uchitel, who is of course Tiger Woods’ most famous mistress, married former Penn State fullback Matt Hahn, who once scored one whole touchdown, and then they Tweeted a bunch of pictures of themselves getting dressed up for a Nickelback concert night on the Vegas strip to celebrate their nuptials with class and style.

Wanna hop in my time machine, travel back to October and make bets on why they actually got married?

“Expecting big things for 2012…Five down, four months to go,” Uchitel tweeted.

The former “Celebrity Rehab” star secretly married Hahn in October and the two have been living in San Francisco since their wedding…

(Via CBS News)

Wait, hold on. I know I suck at math, but her wedding was only two months ago and she has been pregnant for five? Color me shocked.

The past two years have been pretty tough on Tiger Woods, what with that whole wife finding out that he was banging escorts, porn stars and Perkins waitresses and then that whole other plummeting to 52nd on the World Golf Rankings because he suddenly sucks. And factor in Elin Nordegren taking him to the cleaners for a few hundred million and then shaking her ass in front of any billionaire with eyes, and life has kind of sucked for the guy whose life was seemingly unsuckable.

Well say goodbye to those losing ways, friends, because El Tigre is back in the W column. Trailing Zach Johnson by one stroke heading into the final round of the Chevron World Challenge, Woods shot a 3-under round to secure his first tournament victory since the 2009 Australian Masters. Fist pumps and chest bumps, big guy.

Asked to describe his feelings after ending his lengthy title drought, 14-times major champion Woods replied: “It feels awesome, whatever that is.

“I know it’s been a while, but also for some reason it feels like it hasn’t (been a while) because when I was coming down the stretch there I felt so comfortable.

“Was I nervous? Absolutely. I’m always nervous in that position but it’s a comfortable feeling, and I enjoy being in that position,” added Woods, who will rise to 21st when the new world rankings are issued on Monday.

(Via the Montreal Gazette)

Tiger is like the New York Yankees and Duke Blue Devils all rolled into one when it comes to the polarity of golf fans. I know a ton of people who have reveled in his failures over the past two years for reasons like, “Screw him, he cheated on his hot wife” or “He just seems like a pompous a-hole” or “It’s just not fun when he wins all the time.” But I think it’s a hell of a lot of fun when he wins all the time.

I love seeing the other golfers like Phil Mickelson and Ernie Els act all pissy when Tiger runs away with a major tourney, and while I still appreciate when younger guys like Johnson, Rory McIlroy and especially Bubba Watson win, it’s just so much more entertaining when Tiger is locked in. And hopefully he celebrated this victory locked between two Vivid Girls.

(Images via Getty and the AP)

Deal with it.

The 2011 Presidents Cup came and went without much fanfare, mainly because the U.S. rules while the rest of the world drools. To be fair, that’s the rest of the world without Europe, because the motherland’s best golfers save their efforts for the Ryder Cup, at which the U.S. does the bulk of the sucking. But this weekend’s win improved the American team’s record at the Presidents Cup to 7-1-1, and the hubbub surrounding this year’s W is all about Tiger Woods.

First off, U.S. captain Fred Couples received a lot criticism for choosing Woods over PGA champion Keegan Bradley. Couples, though, reminded everyone that Woods will always be the best golfer in the world to him, so he was banking on that guy showing up. And though Woods accounted for just 2 of America’s 19 points, he did give the best performance of the event in his singles match on Sunday, so of course Couples is doing a little air humping.

“A lot of people have asked why I picked him and how he was going to play,” Couples said. “Certainly I couldn’t answer how he was going to play, but this week I think he showed to himself that his swing is back and he’s healthy. And that’s more important to me. Obviously, we want to win the cup. But it’s more important for me to have people realize that he can play the game.”

(Via the Washington Post)

As for the critics, international captain Greg Norman was among the first to say that Couples made a mistake by selecting Woods. How about chasing those words with a piss warm Foster’s, mate?

“He stepped up to the plate. He putted extremely well,” Norman said. “Any player hates to see another great player struggle, because we all know what it’s like to go through the ins and outs of the game. At the end of the day, you want to see the player who has dominated the game come back.”

It’s nice to see Woods earning some praise and smiling again, even though he’s a wretched man whore, but his ex-wife has moved on to another billionaire, so we should, too. So I thought we’d have some fun with the most dominant plotline of the Presidents Cup – Woods’ former caddy, Steve Williams, who caused a stir with a racy comment about his former boss after he caddied Adam Scott’s win at the Bridgestone Invitational.

That was the day Williams said it was “the best win of his life,” despite being on the bag with Woods for 13 majors.

At an awards party filled with banter, Williams said of his interview, “It was my aim to shove it right up that black asshole.”

Woods eventually said it was no big deal and he knows that Williams isn’t racist, but playing in this sort of competitive environment with that statement lingering must have made for a pretty intense and awkward situation… and I like to think it happened a little bit like this.

Steve Williams: “Hey guys, how does every black joke start?”

Williams: “HEY TIGER! Put ‘er there… SIKE!”

Williams: “But seriously, Tiger, how the f*ck are ya? You’re not all pissed about that whole shoving it up your black browneye thing, are ya?”

Tiger Woods: “My name is… ELDRICK.”

Williams: “Tiger, you’re hurting my hand.

Williams: “I assume it’s because black people are born with an extra muscle in their hands.”

Williams: “Hey, you know what the most confusing day in Harlem is? Father’s Day!”

Adam Scott: “Not cool, dude.”

Williams: “What did the black kid get for Christmas? Your bike!”

Scott: “Seriously, you need to stop, Steve.”

John Travolta: “I’m really disappointed in you, Steve.”

Williams: “A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. ‘Wow,’ says the bartender. ‘That is really something. Where did you get it?’ ‘Africa,’ says the parrot.”

Scott: “That’s it, I’m out of here.”

“Looks like the black kid got your sense of humor, too.”

“What do you call a black guy who goes to college? A running back!”

Williams: “yousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuckyousuck…”

“Come on, man. We can do this. We’re still the best golfer in the world. Sure, the rest of the U.S. team already locked this thing up, but I can still A-Rod the sh*t out of this singles match and make it look like I really contributed.”

“All right, we got this. Shot of the year coming right here, and then I’m going to wave to everyone and pretend like I haven’t aged like a U.S. President.”

“Now pose…”

“Yes! People love me again! I’m the greatest golfer in the world and it’s like I never had sex with a waitress from Perkins!”

“ADORE ME, MASSES OF MY PATHETIC UNDERLINGS!”

Woods: “Thank you, Fred, you never lost faith in me and I owe you everything for this resurgence in my popularity!”

Fred Couples: “Cool, could you maybe stop banging my daughters now?”

Woods: “Haha no!”

“Thank you, guy I played golf with!”

“My people! You love me again! I am your god once more and you shall shower me with all of your adoration and worship!”

“Aw yeah, bitches! Stone cold poon slayer in tha mutha f*ckin’ house! Where them Aussie bitches is at?”

“So do you guys all have dibs or how does this work?”

“Dude, we should all just put our keys in this and see what happens.”

Williams: “How do you hide something from a black man? Put it in a book.”

Scott: “I seriously hate you, Steve.”