"High five for 100,000 volts!"

On Saturday, the Pittsburgh Pirates lost to the Colorado Rockies 6-4 to drop their record to 5-4, giving Pirates fans only one day left in the 2011 season to enjoy being above .500. But the Bucs fans jumped out to an early lead in the Best Drunken Tazings competition, thanks to the Stone Cold Steve Austin lookalike in the video below. Erik from Counting Baseballs caught the footage of a drunken fan in a sweet USA Olympic jacket shoving an usher as he was being escorted from his seats by Pittsburgh’s finest. The elbow led to the police using a Tazer on the unruly fan, and when that didn’t work, it became night stick time. Meanwhile, the crowd chanted, “U-S-A!” and for one night, Philadelphia had lost its crown as the batsh*ttiest sports town in Pennsylvania.

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College students are known for making bad decisions. As a college student, I can’t count the number of times I’ve woken up in the morning and immediately remembered three or four instances I wish had never happened. Thankfully, I’ve never had an experience like 25 year old University of Iowa senior, Chris Knotts. Knotts was charged with assault on a peace officer, interference with official acts, public intoxication and trespassing on September 11th during the Iowa-Iowa State football game. And while not many things are worse than waking up with a hangover and a court summons; waking up with a hangover, court summons, and taser scars is probably one of them.

Christopher T. Knotts, a 25-year-old UI senior from Solon, was charged with assault on a peace officer, interference with official acts, public intoxication and trespass based on allegations he shoved a police officer and refused to leave Kinnick Stadium after disrupting other fans at the Sept. 11 game.

North Liberty Police Officer Mitch Seymour stunned Knotts with his Taser, using a “drive stun” method that does not use projectile darts and is considered less painful.

Knotts was watching the game with friends in the student section when a police officer approached at the end of the first quarter and asked them to leave, he said. “I asked him why we were being kicked out. ‘What did we do?’ He said the people behind us complained. We went back and forth for a few minutes,” Knotts said.

Seymour came up behind Knotts and touched his back with the Taser. Knotts fell forward onto the bleachers, where he tried to comply with an order to put his hands behind his back, he said. Seymour stunned Knotts a second time in the back, Knotts said. “I had some bruising on those muscles, but you couldn’t see it because I have a full back piece,” Knotts said, referring to large military-themed tattoos on his back. –KCRG

That’s probably not the best way police could have handled the situation, but he must have done something to deserve that treatment, right? The fuzz usually don’t shock drunks all that often, only if they’re being complete jackasses.

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Tonight is the Yom Kippur of the NBA season, because at 9 PM EST, the Boston Celtics and Los Angeles Lakers will play one last game to settle the NBA Championship. Boston in the Finals means one thing: insufferable douche bags. And it just wouldn’t be a Game 7 if the most insufferable of all douche bags didn’t put in his two cents. Gimmie what ya got, Dane Cook.

“I heard Phil Jackson said the Celtics are a team that loses in the fourth quarter. Well, the Lakers are gonna be a team that loses the championship.” –NBA Off Season

You really showed him, Dane. Please, go back to jumping around like a jackass instead of writing actual material. Speaking of jackasses, Laker fans refuse to let Bostonians one-up their douche-baggery. Various high-ranking LA government officials have already issued a statement to the Detroit LA ‘faithful’, who have been known to have a penchant for destruction. Read the rest of this entry »

While fourth string Celtics guard Marquis Daniels hasn’t seen much action during the 2010 NBA Playoffs, his stepfather, Willie Buie, turned in an electric* performance during Game 2 Tuesday night at Amway Arena in Orlando. The 55-year old Buie was apparently enjoying his stepson’s sitting and warming techniques from his seat behind the visitor’s basket when the police showed up to investigate a reported ruckus.

Buie declared he was no part of said ruckus and would not leave his seat, nor would he be escorted off by constables of such brutish Orlando law. So the officers grabbed him, escorted him to a security area, he told them to have sex with themselves, and they made Buie go kablooey.

Don’t phrase me, Boston Globe:

Buie has a long criminal history, including an arrest for second-degree murder. He spent 11 years in prison.

The newspaper reported that police responded to a disturbance in seating behind the basket at 10:55 p.m. When police tried to remove Buie from his seat, he said, “I’m not going, [expletive] you,” according to the police report.

I don’t know much about Buie, other than second degree murder isn’t very nice, mister. But in fairness, it’s pretty easy to pick a fight with Magic fans in Amway. All you have to say is something incendiary like, “You left the price tag on your new Magic jersey” or “Hey, these refs are doing a spectacular job.” Those are the catchphrases for chaos in the O-Rena.

Both Buie and Daniels are Central Florida natives, hailing from scenic Polk County and the majestic Parramore area of Orlando, respectively. Police have still not confirmed why Buie was initially escorted from his seats, but hey, Orlando had to pull out one victory before the team headed to Boston.

*Hurrrrrrrr