For the record, this is what happens to me 15 seconds into any attempt to play soccer.

Via NESN:

New England Revolution fullback [Kevin Alston] played 41 minutes of standout soccer before he was overcome by illness. He vomited on the Gillette Stadium turf in front of cameras, and onlookers were treated to an up-close view of the flying chunks.

“Unfortunately everyone saw what happened,” Revolution head coach Jay Heaps said. “It wasn’t pretty. He just went into a coughing fit and I didn’t know this before the game. So he played through a 102 temperature, and when he got hit, he went into a coughing fit that’s why he got sick. By Saturday he’ll be alright.”

All we need now is for Daniel Tosh to run onto the field with a big pixelated rectangle around his junk and we’ve got 5 minutes of a Tosh.0 episode. The Revolution went on to defeat the Colorado Rapids 2-1, but all I’ll ever be able to picture now is Garth Algar saying, “if you’re gonna spew, spew into this” and gesturing toward the field.

This is mixed martial artist Eder Jones, and he wasn’t a main event fighter in PRIME before, he will be soon, because nobody is gonna want to fight a guy that celebrates a victory by puking in the ring. Jones went 3-0 this year, including this win over an unidentified oppenent, who makes a good decision to head for the fence when the vomit starts gushing. That’s good ring awareness.

Gentry fine-tuned his gag reflex with the very best.

Suns coach Alvin Gentry must have been pretty disgusted with his team’s play last night, because he was throwing up court-side at the Staples Center. A deep fried artichoke was said to be the assailant to coach Gentry’s digestive system, but Gentry was able to make light of the situation at the post game press conference.

When told that cameras had actually captured him throwing up into the trash can along the sideline, Gentry was surprised. “They did?” he asked. “Oh, well, just tell everyone that it was Kobe Bryant making me sick.” Gentry said he received an IV at halftime of Game 5 and felt better almost immediately. “It’s very similar to college,” he joked. “Once you get it out of your system, everything’s OK. It’s like a Friday night, you know, frat party.” –Ball Don’t Lie

Alvin may had attended frat parties in college, but he’s certainly not very bro for getting an IV. I’ve witnessed many a person puke, and never has my first though been “we should get them an IV.” Then again, I don’t really know all too much about them futuristic high-tech needle shots an’ such. But, hell, I can skin a 10 point buck in 10 minutes, I’ll tell you what. Read the rest of this entry »

As a St. Louis Cardinals fan, I’m often regarded as wise and classy. I can’t help it, that’s just something that is bred into our DNA as children, much like humility and a humble perspective. When I ride my Clydesdale named Manners to the ballpark, I’m there to enjoy fundamentals and to respect the game. I will not, however, stand for people using potty language, and I swear to heck – HECK I SAY! – that I will not stand for people using vomit as a weapon. I’m looking at you, Phillies fans.

Twenty-one-year old Matthew Clemmens pleaded guilty yesterday to simple assault, disorderly conduct and harassment after he intentionally vomited on a father and his two daughters sitting in front of him at an April 14 game at Citizens Bank Park. Clemmens and his friends were acting unruly by drinking, spitting and cursing, leading the 15-year old daughter of Michael Vangelo to contact security and have Clemmens’ friends removed from the game. That’s when Clemmens invoked his inner supermodel and sprayed chunky rain on Vangelo, who, by the way, is a local police captain. Of course he is.

Make yourself pretty, ESPN:

Vangelo’s 15-year-old daughter asked the pair to stop the profanity, and Vangelo complained to security that Clemmens’ friend was spitting, with some of it hitting his 11-year-old daughter, Doyle said.

After the friend was ejected, Clemmens was sitting alone behind the Vangelos when he answered his cell phone and said, “I need to do what I need to do. I’m going to get sick,” the prosecutor said.

Clemmens then put his fingers down his throat and threw up on the father, with vomit splashing onto Vangelo’s younger daughter, Doyle said.

As if that wasn’t enough, Clemmens proceeded to punch Vangelo multiple times, all the while not knowing that the guy is a cop. Clemmens is apparently a master of the ancient Chinese fighting style of the Honking Octopus. After he landed a few shots, the crowd turned on Clemmens and El Puke-o was subdued only to receive a few punches from Vangelo and various other fans, just for poops and giggles, I’m sure.

Clemmens offered a full apology at his hearing, blaming poor, sweet, innocent alcohol for his crimes. The New Jersey resident (of course) had just turned 21 in March, so his attorney explained that he couldn’t handle that much alcohol. Regardless, Philadelphia fans have shown a great deal of outrage at this poor example of a fan, not because of his fighting, but because they’re required to start drinking at 11 years.

I don’t go to a lot of live sporting events, partly because I think society is riddled with a bunch of jagoff idiots that don’t know how to behave in public. Don’t blame the alcohol for this, either. People have been getting drunk for thousands of years and haven’t pulled the kind of foolishness that almost seems customary at games these days. That said, I find the people that go to these games and act like they’re totally surprised by it all to be even more annoying.

Captain Michael Vangelo with the Easton Police Department was off-duty when he took his 11 and 15-year-old daughters to the Phillies game Wednesday night.

“When I say disgusting, there was not only insults and vulgarities directed at us, but also beer was thrown at us,” Vangelo told CBS 3.

Vulgarities? Plural? Surely you jest, good sir.

“I actually heard the individual behind me say, ‘I’m gonna get sick’, then I couldn’t believe what I saw. He actually had his fingers down his mouth and into his throat to make himself vomit. He vomited and lurched forward and it was hitting my daughter,” Vangelo explained.

Well…yeah. During the retching phase of emesis, the abdominal muscles contract, thereby causing the body to lean forward. Of course he’s going to lurch! Read the rest of this entry »